Very shy child- books or advice?

NJLH

One of my girls is extremely shy. I feel like she's become increasingly intimidated around groups of kids. Her sis on the other hand is very outgoing. Can anyone recommend a book about dealing with shy children or boosting confidence? I was the same way as a child and I'd like her to have a better self esteem than I did. Thanks

Angela814

I haven't read any books. DD1 used to be very shy, and I used to be very shy as a child. I didn't talk to any of the kids in my class for my entire kindergarten year. My approach has been to treat her as I would have liked to be treated. I knew she took longer to warm up in some situations, so I didn't push her to participate until she was ready. In some situations I did have to push slightly past her comfort zone, but I never went so far as to do something that would embarrass her. For instance, if she wanted her ice cream at Culvers, she had to go up and order it herself. If she chose not to, then she just wouldn't be able to get ice cream that time. She could always chose to order it the next time. I think the best thing for her was being in daycare full time. Then sometime after she turned 4, things just changed. She was much more outgoing. She will make friends on the playground now. She went into a 4K class where she knew no one and still did awesome. The same thing happened in 5K. She's still not the kid who's going to volunteer in class, but she will participate if she's called on. I think you just need to encourage her to open up in non threatening situations and let her feel empowered that she was able to do it.

LoveEeyore

I was painfully shy too.  I grew up on a farm and didn't have mom and me classes and preschool to get exposure to other kids so Kindergarten was a shock for me.

My DD was also very shy and I worried about pre-K for her.  So I spent a summer trying to help her.  PP made great points about meeting her in her comfort zone, and I would, and did do with DD#1, the following to help her so she wasn't bowled over in school.

1. Playdates on her turf, in her home.  She is likely to be more confident.  I bet even with her twin she is louder and more assertive (my DS was significantly language delayed and as he is catching up he talks a mile a minute at home with his sisters but still silent in front of others).  So start playdates where she's more comfortable.

2.  When she is more comfortable with 2-3 peers at her home, start letting her got to those kids houses for playdates, but have other plans for her twin.  My Adeline is bold and chatty and shoves kids who slight her brother.  She interprets for him whether he's spoken or not.  And I love that about her.  So deeply.  But it takes the pressure off of him.

3.  Teach a few initiation phrases.  My first tells me now that she feels shy when she doesn't know how to talk to a kid.  Example- she will walk up to anyone and ask his/her name and if they want to play, but if THEY are shy ore rude she clams up.  At school she is bold.  On playgrounds she is great with YOUNGER kids and will engage them for an hour.  But if she can't "read" them, she is intimidated.   So see if you can pin why.  Even if it's her personality, it is possible to help with confidence.

Basically look at where she is, and how you can take a babystep forward and expand.

ridesbuttons

I'd like to say that it is absolutely ok to be shy.  Shy is not a reflection of your skills as a parent.  For some kids, extreme shyness is as much of their being as having blue eyes or brown hair. 

Shyness is not necessarily a function of self confidence either.  They may or may not be related, I would say from personal experience (me) they were/are NOT related. 

 

LoveEeyore

ridesbuttons:

I'd like to say that it is absolutely ok to be shy.  Shy is not a reflection of your skills as a parent.  For some kids, extreme shyness is as much of their being as having blue eyes or brown hair. 

Shyness is not necessarily a function of self confidence either.  They may or may not be related, I would say from personal experience (me) they were/are NOT related. 

 

This is absolutely true.  It is not a flaw.  For me it was fear of kids' unpredictability and a preference for adult company.  BUT if she wants to play withi other kids but her shyness is holding her back, it won't hurt, exposure and confidence building could help.  It's only a problem if it is holding her back from something she wants to do.  I certainly don't advocate seeking to alter one's personality.

zoe_cat

My DD is very shy too.  Right now I am reading The Shy Child: Helping Children Triumph Over Shyness by Ward K. Swallow.  I haven't gotten very far into yet, but so far I like it a lot.  It is very clearly written and addresses a lot of my concerns.

WiggleBaby

i posted previously about a similar problem with my 3.5 yr old (i think it was on the SAHM board).  i've read the book Nurturing the Shy Child, and although it was about more serious social anxiety disorders, still had some interesting parts.  some replies to the post i made pointed out that that their children used to be the same way but grew out of it... and i try to remain calm with my DD because, as i've seen with many other things as she grows, she might suddenly decide to change one day and prove all my worrying pointless!  lol... but we shall see about that. 

 anyway my DD is pretty clearly an introvert.  look up some articles thru google... maybe your LO fits the profile too.  it's not a bad thing, as pp said, they just need more "quiet time" to recharge their batteries in between social situations.  and you just have to keep that in mind... which i'm sure is really hard if her twin is an extrovert!  not sure.  but my DD is happiest around family and close friends - and if we have a quiet day or two at home, she'll do well in a playdate.  however if we've been super busy all week, she might not last at all. 

i dont have all the answers.  but for instance what the pp said about LO not getting ice cream if they wont ask the clerk for it... that's not something we do.  when she wants a hand stamp from the children's librarian, as an example, she's just honestly too scared to ask.  she says she can do it beforehand, we walk to the desk, they say hello to her nicely, but she's stopped in her tracks.  she'll whisper to me but just cannot get the words out to them - and i won't deny her the stamp because of some worry/fear/shyness/whatever that she cannot control.  we try to just downplay it so she feels *no* pressure, and say something like "ok mommy will ask for you this time, you can try again next time, ok?" and move on. also when she is too scared to say "thank you", she will usually do the sign language for it instead.

i'm sure your situation is slightly different because you have twins.  she probably sees her sibling being the extrovert and figures she doesn't need to fulfill that role.  i'm sure there are books more suited to twins (or i would hope so!), but i dont know about them.  good luck!

 

NJLH

Thanks everyone....great advice!

Angela814

LoveEeyore:

ridesbuttons:

I'd like to say that it is absolutely ok to be shy.  Shy is not a reflection of your skills as a parent.  For some kids, extreme shyness is as much of their being as having blue eyes or brown hair. 

Shyness is not necessarily a function of self confidence either.  They may or may not be related, I would say from personal experience (me) they were/are NOT related. 

This is absolutely true.  It is not a flaw.  For me it was fear of kids' unpredictability and a preference for adult company.  BUT if she wants to play withi other kids but her shyness is holding her back, it won't hurt, exposure and confidence building could help.  It's only a problem if it is holding her back from something she wants to do.  I certainly don't advocate seeking to alter one's personality.

I agree it's absolutely okay to be shy/reserved. I hate the label shy because it comes with such a negative connotation (at least for me it did). I felt like it did hold me back from joining in activities and making friends, which is not something I want for my DD.

 

WiggleBaby:

i dont have all the answers.  but for instance what the pp said about LO not getting ice cream if they wont ask the clerk for it... that's not something we do.  when she wants a hand stamp from the children's librarian, as an example, she's just honestly too scared to ask.  she says she can do it beforehand, we walk to the desk, they say hello to her nicely, but she's stopped in her tracks.  she'll whisper to me but just cannot get the words out to them - and i won't deny her the stamp because of some worry/fear/shyness/whatever that she cannot control.  we try to just downplay it so she feels *no* pressure, and say something like "ok mommy will ask for you this time, you can try again next time, ok?" and move on. also when she is too scared to say "thank you", she will usually do the sign language for it instead.

That's an example of something I started as DD's been older (4 yrs and up). She's been able to order her own ice cream in the past, so it's something that I feel comfortable pushing her on. If she was legitimately scared, that would be different, but for us it's a situation in which I can push her just a little bit past her comfort zone. It's all about baby steps. She's also really excited when she can do it herself.

I think your library situation is completely different. I used to be a lot like that, and I think I can recognize the difference between feeling nervous about something and not being physically able to do it. I remember a couple times trying to talk to a teacher and just not being able to talk above a whisper. That's more than just "shyness." I guess I feel that since I've been through it, I can tell when it's okay to push and when it's okay to help out.