Dads & Dads-to-be
I need guys opinions and advice!!!
Hi! I JUST found out I was pregnant. My SO and I live together and have only been together 4 months. He is 33 and I am 35. he has been divorced for about 4 years now. And had 2 girls (5 and 9). I have never been married. Had one MC and lost another pregnancy in college. He is currently unemployed. I am only working 32 hours a week. This was definately UNPLANNED. Although I am scared and very nervous, I am excited to again have another chance at becoming a mother for the first time!! He, on the other hand, is not. Not yet. He does not want this baby, at this time. He feels having a baby is financial stressor and two his girls want him and his ex wife back together and feels that having a baby would not be a great idea. Although he and his ex will not get back together and she is engaged and just moved. Any advice???? We have not split up yet. I have not been kicked out yet. I need to sit him down and tell him I want to have this baby. Any advice on the best ways to tell him? And if he truly does care and love me, will he warm up to this pregnancy????
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need guys opinions and advice!!!
So sorry you're dealing with this, it's is such a crappy situation
Your entire post is making me wonder if the answer to your last question there is yes, especially the part about not being kicked out "yet". Not to sound like I'm wagging a finger at you, but if you're gonna play, you've got to be prepared to pay. If he was so incredibly against having a baby, he should've made that clear to you before you became sexually active. Not that all the blame is on him, that's is a conversation you should've had together, but it's pretty clear he's got a very strong opinion on the subject. He's got excellent reasons for not wanting to have a child right now, but he needs to understand that there are two of you having this baby, not just one.
Just explain to him that, while you understand his concerns, you want to and plan to have this baby. Are you able/willing to raise this baby on your own, or drag him through court if he fights you? He can't force you to have an abortion or give it up, but he can sign his rights away if that's something you'd be open to. Not that I'd recommend that, and that's certainly something I'd see as a last resort, but better an absent father than a present one who is only there because he has to be. And honestly, do you really want him to have to "warm up to" his own child?
I can see his point about the finances, especially being that he's been through it twice before. However, trying to use his girls and their hopes of rekindling the relationship between the parents sounds like a cop out frankly, especially if she's engaged and recently moved. Maybe even to the point where maybe he somewhere deep inside wants to get back with her. The one thing I can maybe give you hope on is that you just found out. Sometimes it takes a little bit for it to sink in, especially for the dad. The baby and pregnancy, at least for me, is a very abstract concept until there is something to see, hear or feel. For all 3 of our pregnancies, including the one my wife is going through now, it seemed like it was just an idea until I saw the ultrasounds (the first one was a blighted ovum) and the last 2 then felt much more "real", even though I knew it was happening all along.
The fact that you used the word "yet" multiple times at the end, referring to the end of the relationship is a pretty good sign that you know where it is headed to. If he really does not want the pregnancy, and you do, it will unfortunately lead to resentment and the eventual dissolution of the relationship. Best case is, give him some time, wait until the first ultrasound to give it time to sink in, and to ensure viability of the child, and maybe he comes around, but gut feeling says he's not going to.
I'm going to admit I get tired of this question. Most dads around here are the type who were excited to be dads, so we can't really give much insight to your guy.
Just be honest with him about your feelings. There is no guarantee it will go well, but all you can do is be open about how you feel.
You've been together four months, that's not a long time. You don't mention if you were on BC or were using condoms or were just crossing your fingers. If you were supposed to be on the pill and got knocked up, he's going to be mad at you. On the other hand, if you two were having unprotected sex and just never talked about the possibility of pregnancy, well, then he's at least 50% responsible.
I wish you luck, but understand if you keep this baby odds are you will be a single mother.