How to handle abusive emails/ phone calls from ex

Sigir

Just curious everyone's advice on this one.  Since having the baby, and being less hormonal, I have a better attitude towards exh's jerkiness.  I don't take it personally, only engage when I have to, and calmly talk him down when he is going off crazily.  For his part, although he talks the talk about having a new friendliness between us, he still writes his nasty emails and is terrible on the phone.

So, how it's working now is that I talk friendly with him in person or over the phone, and I can expect to get a nasty email followup or be yelled at on the phone.  I guess he is too much of a p*ssy to be nasty in person.  Anyway, what I have been doing is just ignoring it.  But yesterday there was just a nasty email and I was sick of it.  what he does in the emails is twist whatever I said in person to make it seem like I am being unreasonable/ a bad mom, and then write these long, fancily worded emails where he tries to make himself out to be the best dad ever.

So this time, I sent him an email back that said, just to give you some feedback in the spirit of being more friendly, your emails come seem to have a negative tone towards me and do do not feel collaborative, and that I would not discuss this any further on email.  He wrote back saying he can not control my feelings and what specifically was negative.  I ignored it, because I don't want to get into a back and forth.

My question is, how should I best handle this?  It drives my husband crazy because I always have to take his abuse either over the phone or on emails, and I just ignore it.  But is it worth it to say something like I did yesterday?  Do I just continue to take it, and ignore it as he twists everything I say and tries to make this email record of me being a bad parent?  Or should I say something... or does that just drag things out that won't matter anyway?  

Holly_1007

not sure what you are communicating about, but if its just general info about the kid(s?), schedule changes etc can you look into getting a moderator? or only communicating through attorneys? These options may be a bit expensive but will save you a lot of frustration in the long run. (and I'm not positive, but if you go in front of a judge and show them the nasty e-mails your exh MIGHT be ordered to pay the fee for the moderator)

In general, the more you play into someone like that the more they will do it.  It sucks when someone sits there and belittles you and questions your parenting, but he's just trying to get a rise out of you.  stick to the point of the e-mail, ignore the snarky-ness and negative attitude the best you can.  

kllrbnny

I have been dealing with this type of behavior for years. I no longer engage with him at all in person or over the phone. Texting is extremely rare and only a sentence about pick up/drop off if the location is different that day. And remember, his nasty emails are a record for you, too. Save them all, including your responses.

As for emails, after trying several different tactics I have finally decided to respond to his emails simply by saying "noted." This way I am acknowledging his email without actually responding in any way.

This is a new development on my part, so I can't really say yet if it will work. I sent my response two days ago and haven't heard anything back though.

Also, my mom noticed, he started out the latest chain of emails addressing me by my first name and worked up to addressing me by my full maiden name. So when I sent him my email of acknowledment it was a little snarky b/c it looked like this:

[Ex's 1st & last names],

Noted.

Mrs. [My husband's 1st & last names]

Annplus1

My XH does this. I get an email that states how I am preventing a relationship between him and his daughter, that I am an unfit parent because I "party" all the time, etc. My response is always one or two lines that consist of- Please propose the extra time you are wanting and we can discuss it.

The claims outside of stopping him from being a parent I don't acknowledge. It's just him trying to get a reaction, and I won't play. The less you respond, the less they come...after a bit. Based on my experience, it will eslcate, then calm back down.

 

 

kllrbnny

Annplus1:

My XH does this. I get an email that states how I am preventing a relationship between him and his daughter, that I am an unfit parent because I "party" all the time, etc. My response is always one or two lines that consist of- Please propose the extra time you are wanting and we can discuss it.

The claims outside of stopping him from being a parent I don't acknowledge. It's just him trying to get a reaction, and I won't play. The less you respond, the less they come...after a bit. Based on my experience, it will eslcate, then calm back down.

 

That is an excellant point and I second that. He'll get mad that you aren't playing his game anymore. Then, with any luck, he'll get bored and it will die down.

Moschic31

As PP said, save e-mails and don't respond to snarky, sarcastic, belittling comments.  Stick to commenting strictly to facts regarding the children and not to any accusations of unfit parenting.  If he "abuses" you over the phone, stick to texting or e-mailing where the contact is less direct.  If he starts to twist things, just simply put that you apologize if he misunderstood you, or that he is mistaken or say nothing at all.  Don't feel you have to explain any further because that will cause more back and forth. My fiance and I have been together for 9 years and for 9 years he has received the nasty e-mails and comments from his ex about his parenting and unfortunately, regardless of how much you might try to defend yourself to someone, they will continue to perceive things in a different way and say what they want to say, whether it is to get a rise out of you or to satisfy some personal grudge they have against you.  Luck to you.

FutureMrsWittig

I wouldn't engage him over e-mail.  It doesn't sound like he's getting bored and cutting the crap, it sounds like he will continue to send nasty e-mails because it makes him feel like he is doing something.  ETA: can you forward his nasty e-mails to your attorney and have THEM respond to him?

If he starts yelling at you on the phone, I would hang up on him.  If he calls back answer in a friendly way.  If he starts yelling, hang up again.  You don't have to take his BS.  And I wouldn't even bother acknowledging it by saying "Behave yourself or I'll hang up on you."  Just do it.  This man NEEDS to actually see you refusing to accept his crappy treatment of you.

SueBear

I would only respond to specific allegations that could be held against you in court.  For example, if he writes "you are a terrible mother and don't care about our son," I would ignore him.  Who care if he is portraying himself as Father-of-the-year?  You know the truth.

If he writes "you have told me you would do anything possible to prevent me from seeing our son on my time" I would reply "In our recent conversation, I told you I was unwilling to switch weekends with you, not that I had any intention of keeping you from our son," and cc your lawyer.  I could keep it cut and dry and fact-based only.

Save every email as documentation for your lawyer. 

I also agree you should hang up on him if he abuses you over the phone.  If he calls back, have your H answer the phone. 

 

 

 

kllrbnny

SueBear:

I would only respond to specific allegations that could be held against you in court.  For example, if he writes "you are a terrible mother and don't care about our son," I would ignore him.  Who care if he is portraying himself as Father-of-the-year?  You know the truth.

If he writes "you have told me you would do anything possible to prevent me from seeing our son on my time" I would reply "In our recent conversation, I told you I was unwilling to switch weekends with you, not that I had any intention of keeping you from our son," and cc your lawyer.  I could keep it cut and dry and fact-based only.

Save every email as documentation for your lawyer. 

I also agree you should hang up on him if he abuses you over the phone.  If he calls back, have your H answer the phone. 

 

It is for conversation twisting like this that my lawyers recommended I only communicate with the ex via email. That way everything is documented.

If the guy is being a douche on the phone just don't answer. Tell him that since the two of you are unable to have a civil phone conversation (no blaming in that sentence) that from now on you will be communicatiing strictly via email. And then don't answer the phone when he calls.

doadance

Moschic31:

As PP said, save e-mails and don't respond to snarky, sarcastic, belittling comments.  Stick to commenting strictly to facts regarding the children and not to any accusations of unfit parenting.  If he "abuses" you over the phone, stick to texting or e-mailing where the contact is less direct.  If he starts to twist things, just simply put that you apologize if he misunderstood you, or that he is mistaken or say nothing at all.  Don't feel you have to explain any further because that will cause more back and forth. My fiance and I have been together for 9 years and for 9 years he has received the nasty e-mails and comments from his ex about his parenting and unfortunately, regardless of how much you might try to defend yourself to someone, they will continue to perceive things in a different way and say what they want to say, whether it is to get a rise out of you or to satisfy some personal grudge they have against you.  Luck to you.

Thank you for this... my ex has constantly put down my parenting skills and specific decisions, and recently took me to court over them by blowing them out of proportion and using false accusations... it's really been getting under my skin because I do everything for my kids and they are my life! For some reason his opinion and snarky remarks always get to me and I feel the instant need to respond and defend... I don't know why his opinion gets to me so much. I KNOW and God KNOWS I am doing everything I can and only have my kids well being in mind.... so I should just let his comments slide... I guess with the court thing and me always keeping my mouth shut about my opinions on his decisions, I just feel cheated and like I'm being treated unfairly... but what should I expect from someone like him... 

+j+k+

You need to remember one thing. Most judges see thru this kind of crap.  Save them.  Print them all out and save them for the judge the next time you need to file custody paperwork of any kind.

Don't respond other than to have your lawyer write a letter stating that his abusive emails need to stop and any further communication needs to be done in a productive, respectful manner or you will pursue XYZ. 

It's harrassment, and you don't have to tolerate it. You can file a cease and desist letter. If it continues, you can get restraining orders and even a conviction if he persists. 

Also, consider a mediator. If a judge sees his emails, he/she may grant you one and remove you from any direct communication from this prick.

Annplus1

I totally understand wanting to respond to every little thing. I used a trick where I sent the email to my mom, she would respond, I would copy and paste it, and then send it back as though I wrote it. It really worked since she was not emotional in her responses, while I would try to explain, convince, make him understand... and that wasn't ever going to happen.'

this worked for me because of who my mom is. If your mom, husband, etc can help, great. Or a friend? I don't need her to anymore, because I have disconnected from XH enough not to need to over explain or react, and because his attacks have slowed way down after I stopped responding emotionally. 

Wahoo

I would email him back and say "as you continue to mis-interpret any spoken words between us, I must insist that we only communicate through email or text.  Please keep your communication only to matters relating to (our son's name), such as pick up and drop off times. 

Talk to your lawyer about how you can enforce this.

I would also add....you keep THINKING that you are doing things to "keep things friendly" and to "keep exH happy, so he won't bother me....." but it NEVER works!!!  YOU are going to need to change your mindset, because no matter how "nice" you are, your exH is still a douche who has not moved on!  Please seek counseling, because I can guarantee this b.s. is taking a toll on your son AND on your marriage, and probably your new baby as well.