how do i deal with my loss..

kneenah1231

Ive been on this site since i was 3wks pregnant.. I dont really post things i just read what i can relate to and reply to somethings. This time i really need some words from your ladies.. My story.. I was dx with PCOS yrs ago.. never came out pregnant until i met my current boyfriend who is the light of my eyes. We did 3 rounds of clomid last year and got our BFP but sadly mc at 8wks... We gave time to heal then tried again. First round of clomid 100mg bfp... I made it up to 21wks 1day until yesterday. rewind a little before i explain what happen yesterday.. starting at 18 weeks or earlier i was complaining to my High risk dr my panties were wet by the time i mad it home from work. I am a receptionist. She said it was discharge even after i told her it was watery. I later started to notice i was peeing alot with out even consuming liquid told her, she cked for uti. Then 20wk 5days had my a/s, its a boy yayay.. went on a long weekend trip came back complaining of pressure on my pelvic. Monday I made 21wks. i started to get back pain and threw up my food, that night i had braxton hicks for 3 hrs 30mins apart. 21wks 1days which was tuesday i was still getting tons of pressure and left my job early bcause of back pain. I called the dr she told me since i am 21wks i should go to the hospital before i called her i was intending to go anyway. When i got to the hospital they cked my fluid it was good but when they cked my cervix i was 4cm open and my sac was bulging. They gave me a few options i can wait at the hospital to try and make it to 23wk and 5days they will give me steriods and mature the babys lungs and see how far i can hold, but if i get an infection before then doesnt matter how far along i am they taking the baby out or i can induce.. the hubby and i took about 4 or 5 hrs and thought he left wait it out because had i not come into the hospital i would have been home and who knows how far i would have made it.. so they put us in a reg room.. my boss came to see me who is a dr the hospital. He spoke to my attending ob and was told that all they were waiting for was for me to get an infection any moment thats how bad my situation was. He suggested i induced knowing the baby wouldnt survive because the lungs werent developed. The risk of me getting an infection and possibly scaring my uterus or lossing it was higher then my babys chance to live. They also told me if i do make it do 23wks my baby can have brain damage or other defects. i didnt want that life for my baby so we went with induction..It procedure lasting about 8 hrs. I was given epi and didnt even know my water broke and my baby was sitting in btw my legs until the dr came in to ck my cervix. I was able to hold my baby boy. I just got home and have been reading so many successful stories and micro premies that i now feel i may have made the wrong choice. I am absolutely broken inside.. I come home with a memory box instead of hope my baby makes it thru nicu.. The discharge papers say it was PROM but doesnt give a reason why. In two weeks i have a appt with a new high risk dr she was actually chairman of the ob department in the hospital i have tons of questions... 

a&aw12707

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle on yourself. It is easier said than done, I know. In my experience, every day is a little different. There will be some days that are worse than others. In the past month, I have received so much support from these ladies and their posts. Somedays it makes me feel better that I'm not alone in this journey. (( hugs)) I would recommend writing down all of your questions for the doctor, that way you don't miss something.

kneenah1231

thank you.. I am definitely going to sit down and write down every questions hoping i can get some form of answers and not the things happen with not explanations,..

dandywarhol

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Did you name your son? I am happy that you got to hold your son. That is a memory and feeling that you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

It is very easy to second guess yourself but please be gentle with yourself. 

lmielocl1

I am so sorry for your loss!  I am sorry I do not have any great advice as I am still trying to figure it out.  A couple of things I can suggest that I am trying are to cry when you need to cry and to talk about your little boy when you need to talk about him.  I have my first therapy appt next week and am hoping it will help.  I wish I could go to the local support group but can not due to scheduling issues.  We also planted a tree for our little boy and I find it therapeutic to water it every night.  It helps me to know that I am helping our tree to grow & prosper.  Maybe if / when you are ready, you could put together some memorial for your son.  

Sending lots of ((((Hugs)))).  I am so sorry!  I am thinking of you!!  

Mrs Nice

I am so sorry for your loss of your baby boy. Did you name him?

I am glad that you have found us here but sorry that you have to join us. Be kind to yourself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. You did nothing wrong. I know these words will not stop the guilt you feel, but it is true. Your son knows that you love him and you are the best mommy he could have. 

The days to come will be the hardest you will ever have to face. Remember to eat. Breath deep breaths. You will survive. The pain will not go away but believe me when I say that it does get easier.

Big hugs to you! 

weddedwife

I responded to your post over on 2nd tri, but just wanted to pop in here as well.

Please know you're not alone in this experience. It's awful, but you will get through it.

kneenah1231

Thanks ladies... And yes i did named my son. 

Danilo Abraham Mateo.. :0) danilo after his dad and abraham after my boyfriends grandfather that lived until he was 107 with no health issues died of old age.. I love the name abraham...

 

btw i spoke to my boss yesterday remember the one i said was a dr at the hospital i was in, Well he told me that when the attending was going the sonogram he saw sluggish which meant infection.. So now i am curious if i was brewing a infection all that time and didnt know..  

Bayberry12

lmielocl1:

I am so sorry for your loss!  I am sorry I do not have any great advice as I am still trying to figure it out.  A couple of things I can suggest that I am trying are to cry when you need to cry and to talk about your little boy when you need to talk about him.  

I agree with everything here.  I am very sorry for your loss and all the pain you are in.  Please know it is very normal to question everything and to look for answers and a cause, I am still look for reasons that my daughter died, I may never know, but I hope you can find some answers. 

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your Danilo. Unlike you, we did not have to make a choice because my daughter passed away quietly before she was born, but we do know what it is like to not have any answers. It will be a long journey, but I hope you can find some support here.

figgs0831

I am so very sorry for your loss.  I too have PCOS, and pPROMed with both of my babies.  We had placental issues as well, but it was ultimately the pPROM that landed us in the delivery room. 

The decision to induce is a heartwrenching one, but unfortunately it is usually the correct one.  Infection can cause serious problems and other things could have ruined your chances of future pregnancies.  Please don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for this. This was not your fault! You did nothing wrong!  Unfortunately, the world just sucks at times. 

I hope you can find the comfort you need on this board.  I haven't been as active as I would like lately, but the women here are truly great.  Also, feel free to PM me if you ever have questions or just need to vent.  ((hugs))

As a side note... I would seriously consider finding yourself a new doctor for any future pregnancies.  The fact that she did not take some of your symptoms seriously (and she was high risk), baffles me.  What you described, sounded like a text book pre-term labor/ IC. 

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Danilo...such a beautiful name.  I'm sad to welcome you to the board, but I hope you'll find it helpful during your grieving.