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Attachment Parenting
belladonna11307
member
Help! Totally embarrassed...
belladonna11307
member
We are at wits end and don't know what to do, so I figured I'd see if you ladies have any advice. DD is the classroom biter. She's 15 months old, transitioned from the infant room to the toddler room about a month ago and that's when the trouble started. She was fine in the infant room, never bit anyone. Today they had a teacher with her at all times, but at one point needed to attend to another child and in the minute they had their back turned she bit someone. She spent the entire day trying to bite anyone who got near her. From what they say at day care it seems like she needs to have her space. This past weekend she bit DH, which was the first time this had happened at home and I think it was because she wanted attention. We don't often have her around other children outside of daycare so this isn't something we deal with at home. I have no idea what to do. When she throws a fit at home and starts to hit us I take her hand and help her stroke my face and tell her that we do nice things with our hands. I took the same approach with the biting, I give her a kiss and tell her to do nice things. We don't let her hit us and we don't play "biting" games nor do we allow others to do so. I feel terrible that she is biting other children - I know how I would feel to get the report that she had be bitten. I want to make this stop, but I don't know what to do... Help! Thanks ladies!
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Re: Help! Totally embarrassed...
My mom said when I was little I did the same thing, and they couldn't get me to stop. So, one day my mom bit me back, and she said I just stared at her for a minute and went on about my business and never bit anyone again. Not sure if thats something you want to do, but it worked for my mom. She said she felt terrible doing it, but it didn't scar me or anything, I don't remember it, but its a favorite family story to my embarrassment.
My mom did this to me as well. Not an option for us if DD starts biting.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I was told that if they hit, bite, anything aggressive that you put them down immediately and show them they do not get attention at all when they behave that way. Like if she bit DH, he should look her in the eye and say no biting and then walk away from her so she sees people don't like that.
I think the kissing her and telling her nice touch could be a mixed message. With the other kids, does the DC have any suggestions?? I'm sure she's not the first biter?
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
Yep, same here. I still remember it. Mum bit hard! I never bit anyone again. But I'm not sure that's the ideal solution.
My inclination would be to isolate the biter from other kids every single time she does it (does your daycare have this policy?) And if she bites at home, I would make sure that whatever it is she wants (attention, a toy, to avoid something)...she doesn't get. No reaction that ends in giving attention (put child down, walk away, no eye contact for a short amount of time), no toy, still having to do whatever it is she doesn't want (go ahead with that diaper change or ending that activity). I would couple this with a stern phrase, such as "biting hurts! You HURT me!" and showing that you feel upset (but not yelling or anything). I would make the outcome as naturally consequential as possible without outright resorting to "punishments" or force.
Thanks ladies! DC tells her "No biting" and then they re-direct her. The thing is it seems like what she wants is her space. So the problem is that the best correction tool seems to give her what she wants because she has her space back.
She had her 15 month appointment yesterday and the doctor said it's probably age and change related. She probably doesn't get as much attention in the toddler room as she did in the infant room. Also she doesn't know how to express what she's feeling.
So far she's only bitten at home once and it was an odd situation. We were at an amusement park having lunch at a picnic bench. DD was standing up playing on the bench between us. DH had a hand on her and I had turned my head for a second when I heard DH yell in pain followed by DD crying and almost falling off the bench. I picked DD up and put her over my shoulder until I could find out what happened. She had leaned over and bitten him with no warning, he jumped and she bumped her head on the table. I checked her head and she was fine...better than the mark she left on DH! I told her "no biting" and continued to hold her, as I didn't know what else to do. In retrospect I should have put her in the stroller for a minute. Live and learn, right?
I'm going to teach her the sign for "mad" since she signs really well. My hope is that this will at least give her teachers a warning that she might be thinking about biting.
My mother also did this, and it worked on myself when I was a baby, as well as my sister. My mother said that I just looked at her, my eyes welled up with tears, and I cried. After that I never bit anyone again. I have absolutely no memory of it what-so-ever. So while it may not be ideal, it could be a last resort if you don't want your LO to be removed from daycare.
My oldest was a biter also but it was a sensory issue so very different expression and resolution.
Based on what your describing I think your daycare may be missing the boat. So she isn't getting as much attention in the toddler room, she's biting and they think she wants space from the other kids, today as soon as someone turned their back on her she bit. You look away at the table and she bites DH. So what is she really getting from everyone when she bites, attention! When she bites at daycare the workers rush right over, attention. Today she was fine all day long until what was missing, attention. She was happy at lunch until what happened, you weren't paying attention to her.
As adults we think it's important to teach them with words "no biting" but at that age it still doesn't mean anything to them. She's biting and she's getting a reaction, at home it can mean mom or dad makes a funny noise or funny face "go look in the mirror and say "no biting" or even "ouch" and watch yourself. We don't realize it but we tend to make what toddlers think are pretty hysterical faces when we are trying to be serious.
I think your key is the transition from the infant to toddler room and you hit the nail on the head, without realizing it, by saying she's getting less attention in there. There are way more kids, and kids that are more into things.
What I would ask the daycare to do is find away for her to be isolated when she bites. For my oldest is was as simple as putting him down and turning our back on him for a count of 30. I know they will feel the need to shadow her but maybe they can do it in a way that she's not as clued into it as she obviously was today. If they have a reading area (or any area where there are short walls, dividers of some type) where they can place her when she bites with the teacher's back to her (and just take her there with no words, no eye contact, nada). So basically a place where she is contained, away from the other kids but without a teacher right there with her.
If that tactic doesn't work then the standard next steps are things like alternative chewies, special biting objects ect. Good luck, it is horrible to have a biter because you feel like you should be able to stop it but it's terribly typical and it will pass.