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Special Needs
realisticdreams
member
Hmm I think I figured out a WHY (auntie/anyone)
realisticdreams
member
Soo my issue with getting so defensive over people making comments on P not being potty trained
I took her to the bathroom in iHop on Saturday. I seriously felt like people were starring at us, i had wipes and a diaper in my hand. She's a little bigger than average for her age (not really in height though) but she's talking so well right now. Anyways, I really felt like people were looking at her, the diapers in my hand, back to her back to me. I tried to not think about it, but when I got into the bathroom a lady was there.
Lady: She's not potty trained?
Me: No
Lady: How old is she?
Me: Almost 3
Lady: And she's not potty trained yet?
Me: (seriously annoyed by this point) No, and she probably won't be, she has a medical condition, thanks.
H does NOT get why I get so worked up. I know part of it, is that I feel like she's being judged, but I think i had somewhat of a revelation. I feel like people think it's a direct reflection of my parenting skills, or lack thereof in this case. Like oh she can't potty train her kid, what else does she suck at.
Auntie? You have so much experience, does this sound like i've hit the nail on the head?
Anyone else, feel free to chime in!
DD1(4):VSD & PFO (Closed!), Prenatal stroke, Mild CP, Delayed pyloric opening/reflux, Brachycephaly & Plagiocephaly, Sacral lipoma, Tethered spinal cord, Compound heterozygous MTHFR, Neurogenic bladder, Urinary retention & dyssynergia, incomplete emptying, enlarged Bladder with Poor Muscle Tone, EDS-Type 3. Mito-Disorder has been mentioned
DD2(2.5): Late term premie due to PTL, low fluid & IUGR, Reflux, delayed visual maturation, compound heteroygous MTHFR, PFAPA, Bilateral kidney reflux, Transient hypogammaglobulinemia, EDS-Type 3
http://justthetipblogg.blogspot.com, The Neglected Blog.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hmm I think I figured out a WHY (auntie/anyone)
i think we spend so much time advocating that anytime people comment on our child's lack of skills we get defensive. it's part of the skill set we come to learn. we have to defend why we want more therapy, we have to defend our bills to insurance. the key is you have to be defensive without being mean. i feel called to be a teacher since i and my children have medical issues, especially ones that aren't extremely visible. i try to remember a lot of people judge because they are truly ignorant to the array of medical issues out there. i don't think people really understand that even little problems that seem almost unnoticeable can cause a huge host of problems.
we have to remember that most people don't spend time living in and out doctors offices and hospitals. they don't receive the internship into doctoring that we do.
My son is 3 and not potty trained. I feel exactly the way you described. I feel like we are both judged as being inadequate or faulty in some way, even if it isn't necessarily implied.
I don't understand why anyone would actually care if your DD was or not. It's not like they are responsible for changing her. We did not even start PT with my DD until she turned 3. So, it's not like your DD would be behind anyways. I think some people view PT by a certain age as the Olympic medal of parenting. It is best to ignore those types.
What you are explaining totally makes sense. Try to remember the average age to be PT in the US is past 3 years old. It is hard when your child looks / appears older though. My DS is close in size to some 4 year olds so it definitely makes his delays more apparent which is frustrating. As usual, try not to let the stupid people get under your skin. You are an awesome parent to your girls.
Makes sense to me! I felt that way a bit today at the zoo. DS wanted to get out of his stroller and explore, but he does not walk on his own yet, so he army crawled around the aquatic room. I felt people looking and probably wondering why I was letting him crawl all over the place.
I tried to remind myself that I was defending myself TO myself and inventing thoughts in other people's heads.
In our case, it's more obvious why he does things differently. I can imagine that comments like the one you mentioned would be a major downside to appearing typically developing.
DD is almost 3 and a half and not even close to being potty trained. She is also tall (off the charts for height). She is the size of an average 5 year old. So yeah, we get a lot of comments and looks.
I have actually told someone to go f**k themselves once. Not my best moment lol! Usually I just ignore it.
In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. My little sister had renal issues and had 2 kidney transplants. She was not potty trained until after her first transplant (she was 5). My mom was the queen of "well, f**k you" to people who commented, that is where I get it from lol!
I have looked at your blog and you seem like such a wonderful mom!
Olivia Kate is almost 4!
Diagnosed with autism this year and doing great!
I was just going to say that! I read that recently in an article and it did make me feel better. Chris is doing much better in his communication skills but he's not there yet - not in a place where he is able to tell us if he has to go or if his diaper is wet. I also feel like I get looks but like others have said - it's not like THEY have to change him. They can stuff it as far as I'm concerned.
Ds was transplanted at five, that's when he potty trained. My nt girls weren't trained fully until three and a half. And ditto about the height, people seem to expect more thinking that they are older. Honestly, I ignore people like that. I probably would have put that lady on the spot and asked her if she wanted something, or had a point, or just to myob.
i totally get what you are saying...my son's disability is visible and i still feel like i have to justify a,b, or c to the general public. but like auntie said, why should i care what some random person thinks.
what i have found hurts the most for me are other kids. i know they are innocent and mean no harm. but to have little jimmy shouting across the dining room "hey dad look at that little boy" just hurts me-it reiterates that he will never be like other children. our friend's kids always ask questions about my son and we welcome that and show them his g-tube or explain why he can't do things they do.
as an aside, i bought this shirt the other day...i love it!
https://www.zazzle.com/mommies_of_miracles_stop_staring_shirt-235145013897748114
it says"while you were busy staring at my child wondering what was wrong with them, i was thinking the same thing about your manners"
Thanks everyone for all of the advice/kind words. I honestly don't know what the standard age to potty train is. I know Morgan is showing interest, but because of her kidney issues too we are holding off. I know if you google it any variation of 18-30 months will come up as a 'normal' time to potty train.
I just wish people wouldn't be so rude and obvious about it. I know that they just don't know, but even some nurses will ask and I want to scream, "read her chart!"
I don't understand the obsession with early PT'ing. I honestly think that for some parents it just another way to prove how "superior" they are at parenting when in all reality it has nothing to do with parenting as much as it does with biology. I always laugh in my head at my friends who are attempting to potty train their 18-24mo old's with no success. It's like try whatever method you want, if your child isn't ready it's not going to happen. As far as I know there isn't any biological reason that kids with my sons condition take longer to PT but from talking to other parents it seems like they tend to have a tougher time with it, boys in particular, and often aren't fully PT until close to 5. I don't plan on even attempting to PT DS until he is 3, no reason and we have enough stress in our life, no need to push something that is just going to complicate things even more.
I am on the other end of the spectrum though, DS is particularly small for his age b/c of his RSS and I know that many of the moms cant find big boy underpants small enough and its hard to PT a child that cant reach a toilet even with a stool. Again, I'm in no rush- try to ignore the idiots.
This reminds me of the scene in The Wedding Singer when Robbie is at Julia's engagement party and the douche friend of Glen's says how cold it was that Robbie's fiance left him at the alter. Robbie responds with:
(Robbie) "my parents died in a car accident when I was 8, wanna talk about that too?"
(douche) "why would I want to talk about that?"
(Robbie) "I have no idea"
Frankly I cannot imagine some stranger at a restaurant bathroom asking anyone about their toileting needs. I mean, WTF?