Open Mouth; Insert Foot

srmmm09

Y'all, I am so embarrassed.

A friend of mine is TTC and has been for 4 or 5 cycles now. She's 35, so a little older but obviously not that old. Anyway, she and I are very close. Her husband is 27, and they're both gentle and sensitive people.

On Friday, we were in a big group, and I was talking about the many steps of international adoption. Her H made a comment like, "well at least you don't have to be pregnant," and I said, "well, for us, it's a whole lot easier and takes less time." 

I saw them react a little bit and tried to backtrack by saying, "But for a lot of people who adopt, it's way better than TTC because you can be certain that eventually you will have your child in your arms." But I don't think I was able to dislodge my foot from my mouth. 

What I really wanted to say (but couldn't bc we were in a larger group) was something like, "I wish it were as easy for you to get pregnant as it is for us. For us, adoption is harder. I know that, whatever happens, you will have a family and you'll be awesome parents and I love you and please still be my friend even though this is hard!"

What I'm wondering from some of you who have struggled with IF is how to go about making amends. We've been close for years, and I know we'll get through this, but I don't know how to affirm her struggle. Honestly, part of me feels kind of guilty that I can conceive on the first try (or on no try at all, first LO!), but I know that's not how she would want for me to feel. I just want to honor the struggle that is IF while also acknowledging the struggle that is IA (obviously DA is a struggle too, but there are differences that are good and bad, you know?).

Thoughts? You can scold me; I should be! 

IRR

I am a little bit surprised this came from you.  As I had posted in another post, the difficulties with IF and Adoption are both equally hard.  If she is a good friend, call her up and apologize.  If she and her DH continue having issues they may go down the adoption path one day, but she is STILL YOUNG!!!!  Support her through all the awfulness of IF. 4 or 5 cycles is not a lot yet at her age.  If she pursues IVF that becomes a major emotional roller coaster with lots of hormones being pumped through your body.

I am not sure I would have been happy with her H's comment either, because most of us would have liked to have STAYED pregnant.  Instead, we have to mourn not having a biological child,  we get to worry about how the BM is taking care of the baby inside of them, whether we will be chosen to be AP and what a relationship with the BF might be like after we are finally blessed with a child.

Some people on this board have talked about waiting 4-6 years to get a child through adoption.  That is no picnic and if these women could have their own, they would have.  Let us know how your apology with your friend goes.

Foster1Mom

It happens to the best of us. I would be forward and call her and just tell her how you feel and you made a mistake. A honest I messed up and I am sorry.  A true friend would forgive you and move on. IF is such a hard and emotional road.

srmmm09

Well, if you knew me IRL, you'd know I, uh, don't think before I speak kind of ever. And this week was our annual staff retreat (we work with college students, so this is our new year), and DS was sick, so I was driving back and forth from the retreat location to my parents' house, and it was 11:30pm. And her H just got back 2 weeks ago from a mission trip to Nigeria, and he came back with a terrible virus that took days to recover from. So there were some extenuating circumstances on both our sides. I know he didn't mean to be insensitive to our situation. Of course, I didn't mean to be insensitive either, but I was. Merrrrrr.

I am glad I excused myself before mentioning IVF because it seems like saying how intrusive and emotional that journey is wouldn't be very encouraging either! 

srmmm09

Yay! I texted her (we text back and forth often) saying it felt like we had a weird vibe thing happen that night and that I hoped I didn't hurt her feelings and she could call me or meet up if she was hurt and I could apologize a bunch. She texted back saying she doesn't remember that at all and she was sorry we had an awkward moment.

So I was overreacting, I guess. Or I could have just caught her on a good day, you know? Phew! Yay! Happy dance! I love not hurting my friends!

IRR

  Glad the misunderstanding is no longer an issue.