Need real advice

LoveBeingAWife33008

I honestly should make an AE because I am ashamed but I am too lazy so here goes.

I am 22 weeks pregnant with my second child and I really dislike my husband. He doesn't do anything "right" or "well" anymore.  All he does is annoy me.  I am not attracted to him. I want nothing to do with him.  Sometimes I can't stand him even being around me.  Just his presence bothers me.

Some examples.  He makes a friggin mess and does a half a$s job cleaning up so I have to go behind him and clean. He is supposed to be in charge of the bills and he has paid our rent late for the past 3 times. He won't do anything to satisfy me sexually.  Sex sucks.  It seems like everything he does is wrong.  I honestly could go on all day. Yes, I have talked to him about all of it. No, he wont change.  I work. He goes to school full time and I support the whole family.  I dont know if there is resentment because of that (which there sholdnt be since he is doing it for our future).

I am hoping it is because I am hormonal. I dont want my relationship going down the drain.  Counseling is a no-go. Mostly because I dont want to do it.  Tell me it will get better.  Tell me I am being a hormonal b1tch and to give him a break.  Tell me something to make me feel that I am not goign to be a single mom.  Please talk me off the ledge.

FezzesAreCool

I vote hormones.

MrsGoodkat

Partially hormones but you say you don't want your relationship to go down the drain but don't want to go to counseling. Either you work on your marriage, or you don't. You can't expect it to be good if you're not willing to put effort into making it better. 

littlemac1117

If its so bad that you are considering life as a single mom, why isn't counseling something  you are willing to try?

Also, FWIW, I vote hormones too.

nikip6454

I vote hormones too.

pearblossom

Team whyTF wouldn't you go to counseling?

theseaword

Why is everyone so quick to blame hormones? If it was just the mess stuff, I would agree as that's a small issue. But paying rent late and not being concerned with her sexual satisfaction are real issues. And "no, he won't change" tells me that he doesn't care enough about the relationship to work on things. Another red flag.

I say counseling, and if he won't go, then you need to decide if you're willing to live with someone who makes you unhappy. 

littlemac1117

TwilightMV:

Why is everyone so quick to blame hormones? If it was just the mess stuff, I would agree as that's a small issue. But paying rent late and not being concerned with her sexual satisfaction are real issues. And "no, he won't change" tells me that he doesn't care enough about the relationship to work on things. Another red flag.

I say counseling, and if he won't go, then you need to decide if you're willing to live with someone who makes you unhappy. 

She is the one who says she won't go to counseling. I am thinking she's just being hormonal because she is saying there are all these issues, but doesn't seem to want to work on it with him. I think we don't have enough info to make a judgement, actually. 

And I said it was likely hormones because her post sounds hormonal. :shrug:

FezzesAreCool

I blame hormones because she's 22 weeks pregnant.

 

littlemac1117

FezzesAreCool:

I blame hormones because she's 22 weeks pregnant.

 

 

theseaword

littlemac1117:

TwilightMV:

Why is everyone so quick to blame hormones? If it was just the mess stuff, I would agree as that's a small issue. But paying rent late and not being concerned with her sexual satisfaction are real issues. And "no, he won't change" tells me that he doesn't care enough about the relationship to work on things. Another red flag.

I say counseling, and if he won't go, then you need to decide if you're willing to live with someone who makes you unhappy. 

She is the one who says she won't go to counseling. I am thinking she's just being hormonal because she is saying there are all these issues, but doesn't seem to want to work on it with him. I think we don't have enough info to make a judgement, actually. 

And I said it was likely hormones because her post sounds hormonal. :shrug:

She said she's talked to him about it and he won't change. That's what I'm responding to. I saw that she hasn't brought up counseling with him (because she doesn't want to go).

OP, why don't you want to go? Because you don't care enough about saving the relationship, or because the issues don't bother you enough? Answering that question may give you some insight as well. 

evaazalea

No things won't magically get better with no effort on either side. 

littlemac1117

TwilightMV:

She said she's talked to him about it and he won't change. That's what I'm responding to. I saw that she hasn't brought up counseling with him (because she doesn't want to go).

OP, why don't you want to go? Because you don't care enough about saving the relationship, or because the issues don't bother you enough? Answering that question may give you some insight as well. 

This is what I think it is, and why I am saying hormones.  I'm crazy hormonal and my H is annoying as shiitt sometimes. If I couldn't see that it was hormones and thought my marriage was going bad, I would totally be looking into counseling. The fact that she is unwilling to try counseling makes me feel like she knows its not all that bad and just wants to complain. I realize this makes me sound like a total asssshole, but I'm okay with that.

FezzesAreCool

When I was PG, the sound of my husband eating was enough to make me consider divorce. 

LoveBeingAWife33008

My personal reason why I dont want to go.  You asked. I am answering.  Dont tear it down.  I was debating not answering this question at all.

Because I went myself for many, many years with many doctors for anxiety issues and I find it didn't work for me.  Only meds did.  So I don't quite believe that talking it out with someone else would be any different than talking it out ourselves.  If we dont have a 3rd party, we dont have to get a babysitter, etch out time, and pay for it. 3fer in my book.  Plus my psychology degree makes me aware of the things we should be taking about and those are what I bring up- probably in a bitchy, yelling, nagging way.  But I do bring them up almost daily.

I pray its hormones and will go away.  I want to be happy with my hubby again. And yes, I was emotional and mad when I wrote this and have since calmed down.  But he is napping and my daughter is napping but I wont go in our room and nap because hes wrapped up in our blanket like a friggin burrito- another thing to piss me off!

LoveBeingAWife33008

FezzesAreCool:

When I was PG, the sound of my husband eating was enough to make me consider divorce. 

OMG! You understand me!  Yes, I guess its hormones and I need to see it for what it is and give the poor guy a break....before I break his neck for putting the cheese back in the fridge in the wrong place!

MrsGoodkat

Unfortunately, medication won't fix a marriage. It may help you individually but if you can't work it out yourselves and aren't willing to pursue anything further then you might as well end it while your kids are young. Hopefully if it's hormonal it will pass but I'd suggest working on it strongly before another child is brought into it and you're more stressed and sleep-deprived.

Good luck. 

littlemac1117

LoveBeingAWife33008:

My personal reason why I dont want to go.  You asked. I am answering.  Dont tear it down.  I was debating not answering this question at all.

Because I went myself for many, many years with many doctors for anxiety issues and I find it didn't work for me.  Only meds did.

---Issues that involve a second person are not going to be fixed with meds.

So I don't quite believe that talking it out with someone else would be any different than talking it out ourselves.  If we dont have a 3rd party, we dont have to get a babysitter, etch out time, and pay for it. 3fer in my book.Plus my psychology degree makes me aware of the things we should be taking about and those are what I bring up- probably in a bitchy, yelling, nagging way.  But I do bring them up almost daily. 

--This is why you should have a neutral third party to help you both bring up things that maybe neither of you would have brought up to talk about in the first place?

I pray its hormones and will go away.  I want to be happy with my hubby again. And yes, I was emotional and mad when I wrote this and have since calmed down.  But he is napping and my daughter is napping but I wont go in our room and nap because hes wrapped up in our blanket like a friggin burrito- another thing to piss me off!

It really honestly sounds like hormonal pregnancy annoyances to me. If you feel like it is bad enough to consider not being with your husband anymore, but wont consider counseling, then there is no way that anyone else can be helpful to you. So with that, I think I am out.

FezzesAreCool

LoveBeingAWife33008:

FezzesAreCool:

When I was PG, the sound of my husband eating was enough to make me consider divorce. 

OMG! You understand me!  Yes, I guess its hormones and I need to see it for what it is and give the poor guy a break....before I break his neck for putting the cheese back in the fridge in the wrong place!

When you feel like this, just walk away.  If your DH is home, go for a walk around the block.  Scream into a pillow.  Do anything that will ease the tension and not cost you your sanity or your marriage.

 

nancy30005

FezzesAreCool:

When I was PG, the sound of my husband eating was enough to make me consider divorce. 

Tortillia chips can do this to me non-pregnant.

LoveBeingAWife33008

I feel better now. I guess I was just venting.

I mean, who brings home a dozen eggs with 2 broken (not due to carrying them home)?!  Who doesn't check eggs, even though your wife tells you every time you buy them to check.

Yeah, vent vent vent.  Hormonal crazy.  I hope this goes away before I give birth.

write2nicole

LoveBeingAWife33008:

Plus my psychology degree makes me aware of the things we should be taking about and those are what I bring up- probably in a bitchy, yelling, nagging way.  But I do bring them up almost daily.

I thought it was hormones before, but this makes me think you have some serious communication issues. I think you could both benefit from counseling in order to learn to communicate in a healthy way and solve problems together rather than just complaining and nagging about them.

As for the rent, it's possible that *you* should be in charge of bill-paying. Some people just suck at paperwork and deadlines. I'm one of them. DH takes care of paying the bills. We're both involved in our budget and finances and have access to all of our accounts, but when it comes to making sure that bills are paid on time? All DH. Maybe there's something else he could do instead.

And you may need to let go of how you want some things done. DH and I both have different ways of doing dishes. We agreed early on that I won't wash dishes in front of him because I'll go nuts thinking he should do it my way. The dishes get clean and we haven't died. 

Good luck! 

judahsmommy1

You asked for input so here is mine. The mess issue is probably a combination of hormones and the fact that there are some other real issues going on that aren't being addressed effectively. The fact that he pays rent late and that he makes no effort to please you sexually suggests that there are more problems at work than your hormones though. In my experience, no, those things do not get better if the partners are not working on the issues. If you can't or won't communicate about issues effectively, then you need a third party to help you. You guys need to get on the same team.

Finally, is it possible that he has some depression issues going on. The combination of things you mentioned make me wonder. There are three major areas of his life that he just isn't taking any initiative in. If that is a change from what he used to do, I would consider bringing that up as a possibility. 

FezzesAreCool

OP: How was your husband in the sack before you got pregnant?  Is this a new thing? 

Stress can make sex horrible. 

LoveBeingAWife33008

FezzesAreCool:

OP: How was your husband in the sack before you got pregnant?  Is this a new thing? 

Stress can make sex horrible. 

better than now!

LoveBeingAWife33008

cmeon_the_water:

Maybe not the advice you want- but, if you're going to talk about how much your DH sucks in bed on a public forum, you should really make at least a reasonable effort to not be identifiable (and slapping a non-privately registered domain in your sig is just plain not-smart on these boards, bad-mouthing DH or not).

ETA: I only fvvk with scammers online- so, if this does bite you in the arse, it wasn't from my direction. Just please do be safe. This is probably cached already, but, you should be able to change your domain to a private registration pretty quickly, and taking it out of your signature would be wise, too (it's honestly sort of a weird site to link in your sig anyway- accident??)

Working on it.  Thanks for the heads up.

FezzesAreCool

Ok.  That solidifies it in my mind that this is a mixture of hormones and stress, not anything to do with your relationship itself.  I'm not inclined to have sex with DH when I'm particularly stressed out or anxious about something. 

It is stressful working, being pregnant and taking care of a family and also having the perception of no help at home.  I'm sure it's also stressful having to be a full-time student and having to come home to a constantly nagging wife. 

Have you guys thought about switching things up?  Like w2n said, not everyone is able to adequately take care of finances.

Maybe you could take over finances and let him take over house cleaning/grocery shopping/any other household task? 

You also might have to back off on some issues but in the long run making small changes like this might make your household run more smoothly, thus making your life less stressful. 

littlemac1117

FezzesAreCool:

Ok.  That solidifies it in my mind that this is a mixture of hormones and stress, not anything to do with your relationship itself.  I'm not inclined to have sex with DH when I'm particularly stressed out or anxious about something. 

It is stressful working, being pregnant and taking care of a family and also having the perception of no help at home.  I'm sure it's also stressful having to be a full-time student and having to come home to a constantly nagging wife. 

Have you guys thought about switching things up?  Like w2n said, not everyone is able to adequately take care of finances.

Maybe you could take over finances and let him take over house cleaning/grocery shopping/any other household task? 

You also might have to back off on some issues but in the long run making small changes like this might make your household run more smoothly, thus making your life less stressful. 

Fez is wise. It is known.

LoveBeingAWife33008

cmeon_the_water:

Maybe not the advice you want- but, if you're going to talk about how much your DH sucks in bed on a public forum, you should really make at least a reasonable effort to not be identifiable (and slapping a non-privately registered domain in your sig is just plain not-smart on these boards, bad-mouthing DH or not).

ETA: I only fvvk with scammers online- so, if this does bite you in the arse, it wasn't from my direction. Just please do be safe. This is probably cached already, but, you should be able to change your domain to a private registration pretty quickly, and taking it out of your signature would be wise, too (it's honestly sort of a weird site to link in your sig anyway- accident??)

I have a question about this.  Can you PM me please? 

LoveBeingAWife33008

Am I that much of a train wreck that I got 400 views? Wow. I need to re-evaluate! An AE would have been groovy.

I do appreciate all of the advice and help.  You women are pretty full of awesome sauce. I will be heeding your words.

After shoving my face with crap and having cool down time I am feeling much better and don't want to rip my DHs face off at the moment.  Thank you.

FormerlyKrista555

I vote hormones + you live in an imaginary world where your spouse should be perfect.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received before I got married was this: "Forgive him. Forgive him now for not being perfect. Because he will never ever be perfect."  Let the poor guy be human.

You're always going to find things about him that make you want to stab him if you look hard enough.  I'm sure that you're not perfect either.

Love him unconditionally.

ETA: I totally understand where you're coming from. When I've been pregnant both times, every time we had sex I had to put a pillow in front of my face because I didn't want to feel his breath on my face.  And I wouldn't kiss him because he slobbers too much.   Poor guy.

judahsmommy1

FormerlyKrista555:

I vote hormones + you live in an imaginary world where your spouse should be perfect.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received before I got married was this: "Forgive him. Forgive him now for not being perfect. Because he will never ever be perfect."  Let the poor guy be human.

You're always going to find things about him that make you want to stab him if you look hard enough.  I'm sure that you're not perfect either.

Love him unconditionally.

ETA: I totally understand where you're coming from. When I've been pregnant both times, every time we had sex I had to put a pillow in front of my face because I didn't want to feel his breath on my face.  And I wouldn't kiss him because he slobbers too much.   Poor guy.

Ummm... expecting that your spouse pay the rent on time (if you've agreed that's his responsibility) and show an interest in your sexual fulfillment as well as his own when you're sexually active =/= expecting your spouse to be perfect. You can love someone unconditionally and also expect that they be responsible and respectful and be annoyed if they aren't. I just think this is a little sanctimonious. 

RayRay007

I didn't read all the responses, but here's my two cents:

1. It may or may not be hormones; this is probably not the time to be making life-changing decisions

2. individual counselling for anxiety is a lot different than relationship counselling. Please give it a try.

DinabethL

I felt that way about my husband sometimes when I was pregnant - definitely hormones has a part. I won't say that is everything, but sometimes I didn't want to be anywhere near him. It is crazy to think that because I am crazy about him.

LoveBeingAWife33008

cmeon_the_water:

LoveBeingAWife33008:

cmeon_the_water:

Maybe not the advice you want- but, if you're going to talk about how much your DH sucks in bed on a public forum, you should really make at least a reasonable effort to not be identifiable (and slapping a non-privately registered domain in your sig is just plain not-smart on these boards, bad-mouthing DH or not).

ETA: I only fvvk with scammers online- so, if this does bite you in the arse, it wasn't from my direction. Just please do be safe. This is probably cached already, but, you should be able to change your domain to a private registration pretty quickly, and taking it out of your signature would be wise, too (it's honestly sort of a weird site to link in your sig anyway- accident??)

I have a question about this.  Can you PM me please? 

It won't let me PM you back, but, looks like you're good now. Plug your URL into whois.com- you'll see the updated "private" info. Before that, if had your first and last names, and what's probably a personal address- probably more information than you want out there what with the nutsos around these parts.

Holy Moly.  Thanks for the heads up.  Happy I was able to fix it.

Kitiara5512

FezzesAreCool:

When I was PG, the sound of my husband eating was enough to make me consider divorce. 

I cannot stand hearing people chew, and at that time it would make me