Resentment - Vent

may2806

This isn't really IF related but I know you girls will understand. I sort of posted a similar thing on the Adoption board, and those women are great, but it seems that most of them have already adopted or are much further along in the process. It doesn't seem like there's a lot of venting going on there.

So here's the uncensored version. It's flameworthy. DH and I went to an adoption info session last night - it went really well actually, but that and lurking/posting on the adoption board has brought up some feelings. I really, really want to have a family and if the FET doesn't work adoption is going to be it for us. But I have A LOT of resentment about the way the whole open adoption thing works. I know it's best for the child, and I want the child to know his BM and am totally open to letter/pictures, etc and once or twice a year visits. But a lot of the women on the board talk about the BM like she is one of the family, and spend tons of time together. I just can't see that. Maybe my attitude will change - I was totally against DE at first and I came around to that. Maybe I'll like the BM and want to be friends. But right now I'm pissed that I am going to be forced into a relationship with a stranger who was so irresponsible as to get herself KU. I know I should feel grateful to this hypothetical person for making me a mom, but instead I feel extreme jealousy that here I am trying to get pregnant and can't, and here she gets accidentally pregnant and I have spend tons of money, give up all control until she relinquishes her rights, and then commit myself to a lifelong relationship with her. I don't understand why her needs trump mine. 

I know in my head it's all for the benefit of the child... but does a child really need that much contact? I just don't get it. Again, this is probably me just needing to work through my emotions... but I'm adopting a child, not a whole other family. I have a family and don't feel the need to have another one. What if I don't like them? Maybe I have a stereotype about BMs, but I've heard APs might have to accept some drug or alcohol use during pregnancy...so what does that say about BMs? Do I want to be friends with this type of person? Maybe I'm a snob but those aren't the kind of people I normally associate with.

I apologize if this is offensive...but I really need a forum to express my real feelings, not the PC version of them. 

rockpaperlove

I think it is perfectly natural to work through such feelings. 

Big hugs and so glad the informational session went well!

NMscubagirl

Nothing about what you said sounds offensive to me. I am not there so I dont want to say what I would or wouldn't feel at that point, but honestly I really think I would feel the same way. I would never be ok with drug/alcohol use during pg! Even if I am not ultimately going to be the Mother. If the time ever comes, I might have to figure something out but I would never be ok with letting someone hurt my adoptive child, and I wouldn't want to associate with someone who would do that. I really hope you have a better experience than the picture that was painted for you.

PennyLane26

*lurking*

I just had to respond because DH and I have talked about this as an option if our current cycle fails. I desperately want to do domestic infant adop. but can't, at this point, accept an open adoption. I am with you there. Have you heard anything positive about semi-open? I don't know much about it, but would like to look into it. 

reb259

This is why i will not adopt.  I was adopted (internationally) and think as a child it would be confusing if my BM was involved.  I really wanted to adopt from korea but now the new laws are such that by the time you would get the child s/he would be 2 yrs old and ripped from the foster family (the only family they know) they have been living with.  I think that is very sad and not an option for us.  I think it is great that people are willing to adopt older children but I feel like just because I can't have bio children, I shouldnt have to miss out or not have an opportunity to raise a child from an infant.

As an adult who looked into adoption I had tons of issues as well here are a few

If the BM is giving the child up that is it, you don't get to see the child, hear about the child or know the child.  You gave the most selfless gift of giving your child a better life, your role is now over.

I found it very offensive all the hoops we had to jump thru when any yahoo who can get KU'ed can have a child.

I hate the idea of being judged by a number of random people and feeling like it is a contest.

I also hate that people think once you are matched that is it, you will have a child.  I know 2 people IRL who at the very last minute the BM decided to keep the baby.  I have been thru enough...that would put me over the edge.

Bella2u07

May - YGPM

joules12

(((Hugs))), May!  We've discussed adoption quite a bit -- back when MH initially got his azoo dx and we werent' sure if he actually produced sperm and, more recently, as my body has demonstrated a lackluster capability to produce quality eggs.  You have touched upon several of the same feelings/thoughts I've had.  They are among the reasons that adoption still scares and frustrates the cra.p out of me (even though I have several AP friends, both domestic open and international).

Anyhow, I obviously can't offer any sage wisdom or words to help make it better -- but, you definitely aren't alone in your feelings.  Sorry that you're going through this!

MandaS08

I think all of your feelings are totally valid and not flame worthy!!  Just from doing my own research there are agencies and situations where the adoption doesn't have to be open-you may have to wait longer, ect-but I know several families that have adopted and the BM has no contact.

Gregermis

I am in a very similar situation right now and actually share several of your thoughts/fears/vents listed above.  I know 2 people that have done open adoption, and neither of them are that close to the BM.  One was at first (they went to BM wedding several months after adopting), but after a year or two the relationship faded.  When she adopted her second, that may as well have been a closed adoption.  The mom moved and they were never able to get in contact with her again.

I think the point to keep in mind is that you don't have to do more than the minimum mandated and you shouldn't feel bad if you do adopt and decide not to do more than the minimum.

vanessagorc

I completely understand.  We have talked a lot about adoption too (especially for a sib as odds will def be against us).

DH truly resents the entire process.  Anyone can give their baby up (drug addicts, 13 yr olds etc).  But you are totally open for judgement.

I know u resent a diff aspect, but I see your point too. I can imagine that makes closed adoption appealing to a lot of people.

HUGS, why can't it be easier?

Mrs.McIrish

I have not done much on adoption research so I could be really off base here. May-- is being that involved with the BM after the fact really that common place? Is that what the people at the forum you went to said?  I could see it a bit during the pregnancy but afterwards, I would think it would be just the occasional photo. I would not be looking to have the BM as part of my family either.

It seems like they are so many variables in adoption and people hear the worst and the best(easiest) stories the most.  I could venture to guess that "most" fall somewhere in between and would not be the extreme of feeling like you also adopted the BM.

I wish it were easier sweetie.

Mrkyrain

I do not feel any of your feeling are flame worthy.  I totally can understand your feelings.  I can only speak on this subject through what I have seen with my BFF.  She adopted an infant domestically last year.  It is considered an open adoption but the BM only has  visits once a year.  She (my friend) does have some contact with her on the phone and pictures but they do not at all have a close relationship or thinks of the BM as part of the family.  The BM was a very young teen mother without much family support.  Honestly, I think my friend keeps in touch with her more in a motherly way, more because she worries about the BM, than so the BM can have contact with the baby.  I wonder if there are different levels of "open adoption" and you could clarify some guidelines that you would be comfortable with in your contract.

may2806

MandaS08:

I think all of your feelings are totally valid and not flame worthy!!  Just from doing my own research there are agencies and situations where the adoption doesn't have to be open-you may have to wait longer, ect-but I know several families that have adopted and the BM has no contact.

 

It's not that I wa t no contact, I just don't want constant contact...

 

It helps knowing I'm not alone in my thinking. I knew you guys would understand. 

may2806

Mrs.McIrish:

I have not done much on adoption research so I could be really off base here. May-- is being that involved with the BM after the fact really that common place? Is that what the people at the forum you went to said?  I could see it a bit during the pregnancy but afterwards, I would think it would be just the occasional photo. I would not be looking to have the BM as part of my family either.

It seems like they are so many variables in adoption and people hear the worst and the best(easiest) stories the most.  I could venture to guess that "most" fall somewhere in between and would not be the extreme of feeling like you also adopted the BM.

I wish it were easier sweetie.

I don't know exactly how common it is, but it seems that way on the Bump Adoption board. Maybe I am going to extremes I my head (I tend to do that) and most people are more in the middle.

LaLe09

I share many of your feelings and do not feel they are flameworthy at all. Adoption is our other option too, and we have done alot of research as well as met with two different adoption representatives. It's disheartening to learn more about the process because it is so complicated. However, I know that there are alot of happy endings. After all of the hell we've all gone through to try to get pregnant, I think it's just exhausting to think about starting over again and jumping into another difficult situation with a smile on our face. I'm really sorry you are having a hard time right now. I hope things start to get better.

Gregermis

may2806:

Mrs.McIrish:

I have not done much on adoption research so I could be really off base here. May-- is being that involved with the BM after the fact really that common place? Is that what the people at the forum you went to said?  I could see it a bit during the pregnancy but afterwards, I would think it would be just the occasional photo. I would not be looking to have the BM as part of my family either.

It seems like they are so many variables in adoption and people hear the worst and the best(easiest) stories the most.  I could venture to guess that "most" fall somewhere in between and would not be the extreme of feeling like you also adopted the BM.

I wish it were easier sweetie.

I don't know exactly how common it is, but it seems that way on the Bump Adoption board. Maybe I am going to extremes I my head (I tend to do that) and most people are more in the middle.

It's possible there is a bias on the board... women who are more likely to join an adoption community are more likely to want more contact with the BM.... somethign like that. 

Another thing I wanted to add, based on what I have been reading, sounds like there are two kinds of drug/alcohol exposure situations..... the one where the mom still uses after she finds out (definitely woudln't want any kind of contact for myself or my adopted child in this case), and the one where the BM stopped once she realized that she was pg. 

((hugs))  I've been researching adoption for about 6 months now, and it's taken me quite awhile to not cry and freak out every time I read something.  I think it takes time to wrap your head around the concept.  There are times I'm still not okay with the whole process and times where it doesn't sound as bad as the first time I thought about it.  Hang in there lady!

Roxie5739

Not flameworthy IMO. Your feelings are the same as mine and the reasobn adoption is not for us. Everything you said rings true to me and you have to be 100% comfortable with the whole process, not just the adoption but a life with the BM and the baggage that may or may not bring with it.

I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this but you are not alone.

Mitzi Bishi

I think it's normal to have these fear, worries, and concerns. It's horrible that after the heartache of IF adoption means our lives get further dissected and then there are still no guarantees. 

More over, I have big issues that the middle men are making a fair amount of money off of the misfortune of all involved. I think the whole adoption process needs a gigantic overhaul, but I know it's a very sensitive subject. Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of story book relationships with the birth mother/family, but they certainly aren't all like that. (Think of it as facebook syndrome, you're going to hear about the great things that paint it one way, but it's not the full picture.)

Pursue what you're comfortable with.

I know there will be bubbling anger in me if/when we really get to that point. I don't think we'd go the domestic adoption route, because I don't want to worry about the openness/worry of him/her being taken away. Considering we may not even live in the same country down the road would also make that difficult too, so I think international is the only option we'd have. 

Don't feel guilty. You are entirely entitled to your feelings and its no one else's business, but for you and your DH.  

PrettyAccountant

May - I would like to talk to you but can't here. I am going to PM you.

Rachel 

mtlaurel

reb259:

This is why i will not adopt.  I was adopted (internationally) and think as a child it would be confusing if my BM was involved.  I really wanted to adopt from korea but now the new laws are such that by the time you would get the child s/he would be 2 yrs old and ripped from the foster family (the only family they know) they have been living with.  I think that is very sad and not an option for us.  I think it is great that people are willing to adopt older children but I feel like just because I can't have bio children, I shouldnt have to miss out or not have an opportunity to raise a child from an infant.

As an adult who looked into adoption I had tons of issues as well here are a few

If the BM is giving the child up that is it, you don't get to see the child, hear about the child or know the child.  You gave the most selfless gift of giving your child a better life, your role is now over.

I found it very offensive all the hoops we had to jump thru when any yahoo who can get KU'ed can have a child.

I hate the idea of being judged by a number of random people and feeling like it is a contest.

I also hate that people think once you are matched that is it, you will have a child.  I know 2 people IRL who at the very last minute the BM decided to keep the baby.  I have been thru enough...that would put me over the edge.

I could have written this myself, except I am not adopted. I cannot wrap my mind around adoption because the process sounds so odious to me.

I think you're right that your feelings may evolve as you (if you) move along in the process. But, I also think they are completely understandable feelings to have. 

Trippleb

mtlaurel:

reb259:

This is why i will not adopt.  I was adopted (internationally) and think as a child it would be confusing if my BM was involved.  I really wanted to adopt from korea but now the new laws are such that by the time you would get the child s/he would be 2 yrs old and ripped from the foster family (the only family they know) they have been living with.  I think that is very sad and not an option for us.  I think it is great that people are willing to adopt older children but I feel like just because I can't have bio children, I shouldnt have to miss out or not have an opportunity to raise a child from an infant.

As an adult who looked into adoption I had tons of issues as well here are a few

If the BM is giving the child up that is it, you don't get to see the child, hear about the child or know the child.  You gave the most selfless gift of giving your child a better life, your role is now over.

I found it very offensive all the hoops we had to jump thru when any yahoo who can get KU'ed can have a child.

I hate the idea of being judged by a number of random people and feeling like it is a contest.

I also hate that people think once you are matched that is it, you will have a child.  I know 2 people IRL who at the very last minute the BM decided to keep the baby.  I have been thru enough...that would put me over the edge.

I could have written this myself, except I am not adopted. I cannot wrap my mind around adoption because the process sounds so odious to me.

I think you're right that your feelings may evolve as you (if you) move along in the process. But, I also think they are completely understandable feelings to have. 

 Ditto on this.  

On a side note.  I often thought that if we would ever go the route and the BM would want pictures and letters that I would want to require the same of her.  That way when I felt the child was ready to learn about her birth parents I would be equiped to show the child who the person is.  My other selfish reasons is that I would want the agreement to be that when her letters stop coming, so do mine.  I think the process would end quickly.  Of course I have no idea if an agrangement like that could even be made.

Jlynn3

Not flameworthy at all.  It's such a difficult process to go thru and then to be told you don't get to control who your child then has contact with, especially when it's with someone who gave them up.  It sucks.

Thinking of you and sending a huge (((hug)))

emca

I ABSOLUTELY understand everything that you wrote.  I do not think it is flameworthy at all!  We have all jumped through enough hoops.  I have been researching adoption as well and I was thinking about the same thing.  I want to adopt a child, not an entire family.  I would be so thankful and wouldn't mind sending pictures/updates, but do not want constant contact.  I totally understand and I am so sorry you are going through this. 

I know you are in NJ, do you mind sharing what agencies you are looking into? (You can PM me if that makes you more comfortable). I am in the beginning process of looking.  I had a child in my class whose mom works at an adoption agency nearby and I considering looking there.

 Good Luck and again, I am so, so sorry you are going through all of this!

jillychris

may2806:

MandaS08:

I think all of your feelings are totally valid and not flame worthy!!  Just from doing my own research there are agencies and situations where the adoption doesn't have to be open-you may have to wait longer, ect-but I know several families that have adopted and the BM has no contact.

 

It's not that I wa t no contact, I just don't want constant contact...

 

It helps knowing I'm not alone in my thinking. I knew you guys would understand. 

 

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all! You definitely have to decided what you are comfortable with, and not worry about what others may have as a relationship with the BM. You never know, you may change your mind down the road, which is totally okay, or you may not, which is fine too! You and YH will decided what's best for YOUR future child! Best of luck with the adoption process....I hope it moves quickly for you!

may2806

emca:

I ABSOLUTELY understand everything that you wrote.  I do not think it is flameworthy at all!  We have all jumped through enough hoops.  I have been researching adoption as well and I was thinking about the same thing.  I want to adopt a child, not an entire family.  I would be so thankful and wouldn't mind sending pictures/updates, but do not want constant contact.  I totally understand and I am so sorry you are going through this. 

I know you are in NJ, do you mind sharing what agencies you are looking into? (You can PM me if that makes you more comfortable). I am in the beginning process of looking.  I had a child in my class whose mom works at an adoption agency nearby and I considering looking there.

 Good Luck and again, I am so, so sorry you are going through all of this!

I sent you a PM! 

MBfromBMC

(((hugs)))

Up until TTC, I always wanted to adopt, but since I have been doing research, I have seen many issues like this. I totally understand your resentment and I think it is really normal to work through these feelings.