Becoming comfortable with open adoption

may2806

I'm sure this is going to read as very "newbie" and possibly uneducated, so just bear with me. I can't be the only person to have these feelings as we start on our adoption journey, so if you can share your experiences on how you felt about these issues I'd love to hear them.

I would like an open adoption - but when I read stories about how close a relationship some APs have with the BM or birth family, I get uncomfortable. I want my child to know his BM and why she chose to place him/her. I don't want there to be any secrecy. I want the BM to know that her child is happy and well loved. But, I can't imagine committing to a lifelong close relationship with someone who I haven't even met. At this point I'm comfortable with letters, pictures, emails, a blog, etc. And meetings once or twice a year. Although I'm not sure what you do if you BM lives across the country - are you committing to your yearly vacation being spent to visit her every year? 

But at this point I can't see wanting to spend holidays, birthdays, frequent visits, etc together. I can't see having the BM be like an extended family member. I don't know who she is or how I will really feel about her. If that relationship naturally develops, great. But if it doesn't...I just don't want to overcommit at this point. But I'm worried that will make me seem less attractive to a BM than a PAP who is open to the whole nine yards. 

This is hard to wrap my head around. I always just imagined I'd have "my" family, which I know sounds horribly selfish and not the way to look at adoption. I know you can't own a child and that there is no such thing as too many people loving your child. I know it's best for the child to know his BM/BPs. But I'm human, and I have some feelings of resentment - I have needs too that I'm worried I'm always going to have to put behind the BM's. I've heard APs refer to their child's "other mommy" and this makes me feel strange - I know open adoption is not co-parenting, so I want to be the only mother. Is this just something I have to get over? I have read about it, so my brain understands it, but I'm having trouble with my emotions about it.

I really want to have a family and it's likely that adoption is the only way that's going to happen. But I'm struggling here. 

Foster1Mom

I do not have experience with an open adoption but to me it sounds what you are feeling it quite normal. I think over time some situations become more open and close but not all are like that. You will see that just by hearing the stories on this board. Hang in there. 

Art Teacher

Hi May2806   We have an open adoption with our daughter's birthmom.  I figured I would try to answer your questions.  When we started out, we liked the idea of open adoption in general - we think it's great for a child to know his/her birthparents and for the bps to know how the child is doing/growing.   However, we wanted to learn more about it before making decisions.  We read a lot about it and asked a lot of questions of our caseworker.  We decided that if we were the child being adopted, we would want as open of a relationship as possible (of course all of that depends on the wants of the birthparents and on the safety of the situation since not all situations might allow for an entirely open adoption.) 

Our dd's birthmom asked for letters/pics and up to 2 visits a year at her request.  That does not mean that every visit has to be us using vacation time to go visit her.  Our situation is a little different because we live within a couple hours of dd's birthmom.  Her birthmom has actually come to US more than we have gone to her.  You asked what do you do if you are in an open adoption with someone who lives across the country...in my opinion, that is something that needs to be discussed together and that I would think you would probably handle it 50/50 - sometimes travel to her and sometimes she would travel to you.

After meeting with dd's birthmom, we felt very comfortable with her and her mother. Before dd was born, I also met her stepdad and one of her brothers.  Since then we have met one of her other brothers as well as an aunt and grandparents. 

By adopting, you ARE gaining family members -- at least, in my opinion, you are.  As the relationship develops you might find that it grows and evolves into more.  For example, we get together with dd's birthmom and her family every 4 months or so.  Most recently, we went to  her graduation and we went to her town to celebrate her birthday with her.  We look at those visits/moments as very special times for us/our daughter as well as for our daughter's birthmom.  If I were adopted, I would hope that my parents would try to have as open of a relationship as possible with my birthparents so that I would know where I came from, who I looked like, etc.  (That's my personal feeling; I'm not saying that too judge how you're feeling at all.)  We just try to put ourselves in our daughter's shoes, even when it can be slightly uncomfortable at times. 

As far as dd's birthmom being the "other mommy" I refer to her by her first name or as dd's birthmom.  To me, I'm "mommy" and mother but her birthmother will always also be her mother/birthmother.  That doesn't take away from my role as a mom.  In fact, I think it just adds to it -- I wouldn't be a mom if it weren't for her.  I am beyond appreciative and grateful of her sacrifices that helped me become a parent.  I think as you put it, it's something you'll have to 'get over' and work through  -- your child having a relationship with her/his birthparents doesn't make you less of a parent.

Big hugs.  I know it's hard.  Especially when you're starting out.  I hope what I wrote helps a bit.  I'm here if you  have other questions or anything. 

Blsd4given

Art Teacher:

 If I were adopted, I would hope that my parents would try to have as open of a relationship as possible with my birthparents so that I would know where I came from, who I looked like, etc.  (That's my personal feeling; I'm not saying that too judge how you're feeling at all.)  We just try to put ourselves in our daughter's shoes, even when it can be slightly uncomfortable at times. 

Wow... Great POV and food for thought!

FWIW, OP, You're not alone.  It's like you read my mind... This is the same way MH and I feel - in every detail of what you wrote.

We didn't start out trying to build a family envisioning a set of BPs with it.  So, it's taking a lot for us to wrap our heads and hearts around it.  It's one of the biggest things we struggle with when considering Foster-to-Adopt as well.  I don't know if we'll ever be completely open adoption people... But maybe we'll meet amazing BPs and end up there... Who knows.

MayDayGirl

Spooko:

What you're open to is what you're open to.  If you try to appear differently, I think there's going to be a lot more complications and unmatched expectations than if you're just upfront.  FWIW, I don't think a lot of people go into adoption planning to be as open as they end up.  It's just that when they meet the BPs, something clicks and it works for them.  There's plenty of possibility that it will end up being that way for you, but because it is a long term relationship, you owe it to yourself and them not to try to force something that's so clearly outside your comfort zone.

Look at it this way, while you aren't as open as some people, you are a lot more open than a lot of people.  It's what works for you and that's okay.  The rest you're just going to have to take as it comes.

This 

silliestbunny

Great stuff here already....

Also know open can look very different.  I haven't seen many instances where it means spending holidays together. 

Additionally... openness will be determined by all of your comfort levels.  Among my close friends who've adopted that by definition have open adoptions, one has never spoken to BM since leaving the hospital by BM's choice.  Two others text on a semi-regular basis... there's such a wide range of normal.

Stick around

Dr.Loretta

The pps have given you some great advice.

Some other things to consider:

1. You may be more "closed" about your thoughts on this, but may become more open as time goes on. Either because you are waiting a while and start to think you're more open than you originally envisioned. Or because you do more research on it and you realize it's not as bad as you originally envisioned.

2. These things can wax and wane. You  may find that everyone needs more contact in the early going, but as their lives change and potentially diverge, the contact becomes more limited. Or on the flip side, as lives change they can come closer together.

3. You  may change your mind when you meet a birthfamily. As a pp noted, yo may "click" and really want to spend more time with these people. In part because they start to feel more like an extension of your own family.

4. Some of it may also be "handled" as it were by the matching process. We were open to a semi-open situation (letters and pictures) and 2 visits/year. BM was also open to that scenario. We meet once at our annal agency picnic, and once around the holidays (but we don't spend holidays together). We would actually like to see more of her, but she hasn't indicated she wants more.

5. It's perfectly OK to undercommit at this point, and open things up as time goes on.

Just some things to think about.

tfkre8ive

We are exactly where you are at. We left an orientation meeting being terrified that we would have to take the birthmother on vacation with us, have her babysit our kid, this all based on birthmother testimonials. It was a very uncomfortable feeling for us and left us feeling hopeless.

We met with a caseworker to discuss our fears said he most adoptive families begin the process at the comfort level we're at and that typically changes over time as you learn more about the process, and many families "click" with the birthmothers and they want to have that closer relationship--but it's something that develops over time.

I would suggest you meet with a casework to discuss, bring all your questions and be honest about where you're at. This meeting was so very helpful to us and we left the meeting very hopeful and optimistic.

reenie83

It's nice to read all the perspectives on this. When DH and I first starting talking about adoption, I said that I couldn't handle an open adoption. However, I think that a lot of that depends on the BM and the relationship that would be developed. You may go into the situation not feeling open to the idea, but you never know once it's a real person in the role of BM rather than the idea. 

may2806

NariaDreaming:

And the adult adoptee's perspective:

I CRAVE an open adoption. I WISH I knew my biological mother. I found her on facebook after 20-some-odd-years, and sent her a message. She sent me a friend request, but we haven't had a conversation.

As a teenager, I would have given ANYTHING to have an open relationship where I knew I could talk with her or bio-dad. It's hard enough trying to "find yourself" when you know where to look. I had nothing- A general "you are x, y, and z by birth". No sense of history.

 

I'm a huge genealogy nerd.  I've traced back my adopted family's tree to the 1500's. I just started my bio family's tree based on facebook and the few public records I can find. It's helped IMMENSELY with my sense of history.

I definitely would want my child to know his/her BPs. I am just talking about the level of openness that seems to exist in many relationships. 

As a PAP, I would also hope my child would feel a sense of history from his/her adoptive family. Maybe this is unrealistic, but it saddens me to think that my child won't feel a connection to that - as if MY history is going to be lost if it can't be passed down to an adopted child. That's very sad to me.

Thanks for your perspective. 

may2806

reenie83:

You may go into the situation not feeling open to the idea, but you never know once it's a real person in the role of BM rather than the idea. 

Yes, I think that is part of it - not knowing who this person is. Maybe it would develop naturally, and if that happens it would be great - I just feel uncomfortable committing to a very open relationship without knowing who the person even is.

Again, I'm not saying I want a closed adoption. I'm just talking about feeling weird about a very, very open adoption.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts on this! 

Art Teacher

Does your agency offer meetings for waiting families where you can go and listen to other adoptive couples speak or birthparents speak?

Our agency does this - in fact, we just spoke at one of these meetings.  There were about 11 people in the crowd that listened to us (and 2 other couples) speak about open adoption.  We answered their questions as well.  We could tell that many of the waiting couples there were nervous about the idea of open adoption but wanted to learn more.

That's how we felt when we started.  And after listening to others talk about their experiences, we decided that we thought it felt right for us. 

I agree with the other posters that you can always say you are comfortable with less openness now and see if that changes down the road.  It might not change, and that's okay, too.  Like you said, you feel uncomfortable committing to a very open relationship without knowing who the person even is...over time you'll get to know the birthparents better. 

It's interesting that the idea of genealogy was brought up a couple comments back.  I use the internet/facebook/etc. to try and learn as much as I can about dd's birthfamily.  I don't know if she'll want all of the information, but I figure I'll have it if she does.  (We don't know much about her birthfather and didn't even have a pic, but I was able to find a couple online.) 

 

may2806

Art Teacher:

Does your agency offer meetings for waiting families where you can go and listen to other adoptive couples speak or birthparents speak?

We haven't picked an agency yet but we would definitely be interested in this if it is offered. Thanks! 

Dr.Loretta

tfkre8ive:

We are exactly where you are at. We left an orientation meeting being terrified that we would have to take the birthmother on vacation with us, have her babysit our kid, this all based on birthmother testimonials. It was a very uncomfortable feeling for us and left us feeling hopeless.

We met with a caseworker to discuss our fears said he most adoptive families begin the process at the comfort level we're at and that typically changes over time as you learn more about the process, and many families "click" with the birthmothers and they want to have that closer relationship--but it's something that develops over time.

I would echo this and ArtTeacher's comments. We saw a video testimonial from a BM that had really, really extensive interaction with her child and the adoptive family. Our SW made a point to tell us that this was not the norm, but just one experience that they had to share with us.

Another thing to keep in mind is that open adoption =/= coparenting. To be blunt, birthparents give up their rights to parent when they sign TPR and it becomes final, and you become the parent. No matter how open the adoption is.