- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
greenteabee
member
how often do the adoptive parents close an open adoption?
greenteabee
member
in Adoption
I'm just curious how often it happens. I'm not into drugs or drinking or anything, and I don't think I'm a negative influence.... why do adoptive parents close an adoption? I know sometimes it's because the birth mom isn't a good influence but what are other reasons?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: how often do the adoptive parents close an open adoption?
I don't have an answer, but I have wondered this too. I have never personally heard of it happening, but it it sounds like it happens more than I knew.
I can't imagine closing an adoption unless my family's safety was threatened.
I am going to step out on a limb here and answer even though we aren't at that point. We want to have an open adoption and a relationship in some form or fashion. That being said, if the relationship wasn't good or negative towards the child then we would have to consider limiting contact. I guess I speak from experience here, from my own childhood. My real dad (that's what I call him) was non existent throughout most of my childhood. He made a lot of promises to me and never kept them and that hurt. So I would do my best to not have my children go through that.
I know I you can't protect children from everything but that is just what I remember the most about growing up.
IMO this is a risk when both parties don't spend time getting to know and understand each other. I've read but never know PAPs to say they'll keep it open but once things are finalized, they stop communication. So not cool.
I want to believe that's a minority but I don't know.
One of our BMs made some bad choices and is in prison. FWIW we are still in contact w/her as much as we can be. We love her and want the best for her. While her bad decisions broke my heart I am not going to abandon her. We've entered a long term commitment and as long as I can hold that commitment and keep my daughters safe, I will.
If I were in your position, I'd take my time choosing the right PAPs and go w/my gut. I believe intuition can help make the best decisions. And express to PAPs your concern about them breaking your agreement.... they should know this is a concern of yours upfront.
GL.
This is such a great answer and some really good insight that I am going to keep in my heart/mind as we continue down this road. I love this board!
Sometimes APs make promises they can't, or won't, keep. That can include not honoring whatever agreement they have with their child's birthfamily. Sometimes it's due to negative behavior by the birthfamily, sometimes it's unfounded fears, sometimes it's just pure laziness. How often does it happen? I don't know if there are statistics.
Some states are trending toward having a legal document drawn up to make the agreements binding. There are drawbacks to that, since situations on both sides may change and then you'd have to head back to court to do what should involve a simple discussion. There is also a lot of counseling of APs to not promise more than they can handle, and to keep their promises once made.
It may be something you want to discuss with an agency or whoever you work with when you make an adoption plan. They may have some stats on it, or policies in place to minimize it happening.
I totally understand that fear of losing all contact. I definitely agree with PPs; choose a couple/family who you really trust. Develop a relationship with them beyond just the baby, and that will go a long way in establishing that trust you need that they will honor their commitment. If you get weird vibes about their comfort level with openness post-placement, ask them if they have concerns.
As difficult as it is to be a BM (and it really is, I know!), it's also scary to be an adoptive parent. You weild a lot of control over their family, and they've invested a lot of time, money, and emotions into this relationship. The more they know you, the more comfortable (I think) a couple with a genuine desire to keep the relationship open will be. If they seem to be getting less comfortable with you, then that to me would be the biggest cause for concern about openness, you know?
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
We have just begun our journey, and to be honest I think the unknown is what scares everyone in this situation. Adoption is such an emotional roller coaster for all involved. I think if you make the right connection with your birth mother/adoptive parents, you could find a way to still keep in touch. As a hopeful adoptive parent I will speak for myself, I just worry that I will not understand the whole concept, what I mean is that I fear it would be confusing for our child. However I have read about beautiful stories about open adoption. They really pull at your heartstrings when you read one with a great outcome. I know that for us if we find the right match and feel confident we can make it happen we will figure it out and find a way to make it work. Good luck with whatever situation you are in!
If you know of anyone who is looking into finding an adoptive family we have our website to learn a bit more about us. We are hoping for a private adoption, we have our home study and our adoption attorney ready to go:) We have no children and adoption is our way to have a family!
www.lindsayandleviadopt.com
Good luck with your journey!
This board needs to be a safe place for people to post, I think most will agree this is inappropriate.
Agreed.