Another intro and advise

sprinkstar

Hi girls. I wanted to introduce myself since I have been glancing over here from time to time. I am the only one with a SS on my birth month board so I peek over here when I can. I need some advise and hoping you can help. 

DH and I have a LO who is 22 months old. SS is 9 and spends every Monday and every other weekend with us. However, DH and EW have an agreement that if SS does not want to come over to us on his days, he does not have too. He is getting to that age where he would rather spend time with his friends and whatnot. There have been times where he wouldnt come over for weeks on end.

We are in the process of buying a new home. One of the bedrooms is a bit bigger than the other. DH wants to give it to SS because he his older. I understand/get that. On the other hand, I dont think he should have it since he isn't over that much. I dont want to make it unfair but at the same time, why waste the space when LO can use it since he will always be there. 

Any advise is greatly appreciated TIA! 

bebe11

We are moving next month, and my SS is older than my DD (not H's bio daughter), but since DD is with us more than SS, I am giving her the bigger room.  It's not even up for discussion, as far as I am concerned.  So I would say, in your case I would give the bigger room to your LO.

DaringMiss

I believe that since your LO will be using the room every day, he should have the bigger room.  He will have more toys at your house as well as a full wardrobe (as opposed to a partial wardrobe with your SS).  Plus for the next couple of years, his toys will be bigger.

If your SS was with you full time, I would give him the bigger room.

But you guys need to figure out how to bring SS friends over to your house.   

ldmessing

Why do you let a 9 year old dictate the visitation schedule

sprinkstar

ldmessing:

Why do you let a 9 year old dictate the visitation schedule

I have been asking DH the same question......its a hot topic in our home.  

cole2144

Welcome! I am on the same birth month board. My SD will have the smaller room due to the fact that she is only here EOW.

Littlejen22

Your DH's sucky parenting should not play into the decision, and yes it is sucky parenting to allow a 9yo to not come because he does not feel like it. I would give the room to the person with the most stuff including furniture. And I would tell DH if it is so important that his first born have the big room then it should be more important for him to actually parent the kid and make him visit.

twister22

DaringMiss:

I believe that since your LO will be using the room every day, he should have the bigger room.  He will have more toys at your house as well as a full wardrobe (as opposed to a partial wardrobe with your SS).  Plus for the next couple of years, his toys will be bigger.

If your SS was with you full time, I would give him the bigger room.

But you guys need to figure out how to bring SS friends over to your house.   

I agree with all of this, but wanted to touch on the bolded. You need to find a way to have SS still feel included in his normal life, even when he is with you. Let him have friends over for sleepovers, drive him to his friends' houses when you have him, and go back to court to get the "SS runs the show" clause out of the agreement. 

CFjo2010

Littlejen22:

Your DH's sucky parenting should not play into the decision, and yes it is sucky parenting to allow a 9yo to not come because he does not feel like it. I would give the room to the person with the most stuff including furniture. And I would tell DH if it is so important that his first born have the big room then it should be more important for him to actually parent the kid and make him visit.

^^This.

My DD is 9 also, so I understand the whole "kids want to be with their friends" issue.  But she's 9, and last time I checked I am her mother and I am the adult.  Therefore I am the one who makes her decisions for her until she is old enough to vote and move out.  If this is a decision your husband and BM made, obviously there's really nothing you can do about it.  Just be prepared that allowing a 9 year old to dictate his own visitation schedule is only going to get worse as he gets older.  As PP said, try and find a way to incorporate his life at BM's into his life at your home.  Let him invite friends over, take him to his friends' homes, just let him know that his friends at BM's can still be his friends in your home as well.  Make an effort to meet his friends' parents so that they feel comfortable with you and DH.

As for the room issue, your DD should have it.  She's going to be there more frequently, she's going to accumulate more toys and knick knacks.  SS probably won't even think twice about it, as long as you and DH don't make an issue of it.