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Blended Families
Heather661
member
"Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream." ~ From Juno
Skype long distance with 4 yo
Heather661
member
Long (long long long) story short, my DD is 4, and her father lives in CA with his GF and baby, and I live in GA with my DH and baby on the way. When DH and I had to move to GA (he is military) we requested a move away with DD, but it was denied, due to the fact that her father and I had 50/50 since she was born, and she was considered a "resident" of CA and all of his family was there...and in CA, the mother doesnt automaticlly get custody.
Anyway, our sched is that I get DD 8 weeks in summer, 2 weeks at xmas and 2 weeks at spring break. In addition to that, there are daily "virtual visitation" via Skype.
The issues that we have (both on my side and on DD fathers side) is that she has a short attention span (as do most 4yo) and sometimes it seems the skyping does more harm than good :-( as in she often "cries" that she doesnt want to get off skype, but doesnt really want to talk and runs around, or gets distracted etc and most of the convos are of me (or him) saying, "Where did you go?"
We both try to let the convos be private, so we dont hawk her and often do other things while she is on skype, so we might not always be able to keep her sitting or engaged.
Her dad made the comment the other day that he is skyping mostly 'for him", but we both feel kinda the same way, I dont want DD to think im "abandoning" her if I dont talk to her every day or every other day, but I always feel so bad when we get off skype because she is upset or sad...Her dad says that it doesnt last long, and an ice pop or other treat when she gets off skype usually helps. Its the same when she is here, and shes fine after a few minutes.
So, my question is, should I continue the every day to every other day skype, knowing that she may be sad, but gets over it quickly, or cut it back to maybe just 2 times or 1 time a week?
"Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream." ~ From Juno
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Skype long distance with 4 yo
1st, you chose to move with your new husband across the country instead of staying with your child so, um, you did sort-of abandon her.
As for the question, I cannot see that she will grow up without feeling somewhat abandoned and replaced but daily Skype is insane especially at an age where she cannot do it on her own, and everyone's schedules have to revolve around it. I personally would make is less often bc I cannot see how it can work but I think it should be open to the parents still having regular access.
Thank you for the advice on using a headset! Never thought of that!!
And I didn't really "choose" to move because I liked the climate, unfortunately, you don't choose who you fall in love with, and unfortunately, you can't tell the government "no" when they tell you to go somewhere...
It was a VERY VERY hard choice, but with all the factors included (the school she is in, the family she has there, etc) it was the best choice at the time. Not to mention, I am not an absent parent in the least - I send her care packages and cards on a weekly basis, I pay for half her school tuition in addition to other things.
I appreciate the comments on things to help, and will def try and use them!!
"Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream." ~ From Juno
"Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream." ~ From Juno
I do think it's sad that you left your daughter to be with your DH. My DH knows that, sorry, kids come first. He knows if he has to relocate and the courts won't let us take DS (his SS), then DS & soon to be LO would live with me, and he would be away for work, trying to come home as often as possible. Did your DH even petition the relocation, or is he first in line to be transferred back, etc.?
Sorry to judge you, I'm just baffled.
In regards to the Skype, I would probably cut it back. My DS is 4, and he doesn't Skype often, so when he does, he gets really excited and is very engaged. Also, we don't have the sessions last long - that way he doesn't get bored, and he's more excited for the next time.
Maybe 1 or 2 times a week would be better, it doesnt hurt to try it and see what happens. As PP said 4 year olds dont have a great attention span and not much to talk about lol
By no means did you "abandon" her. You are still in her life, just long distance. It happens, and thankfully we have the technology now where you can "see" her even if your not there. I understand the judges ruling, she is a resident of CA, i think residency is "established" for a child after 6 months of living there or something like that, I'm not 100% sure so dont quote me on that lol
I hope things work out for you guys
good luck!
This times a MILLION. No love of a partner could make me agree to that. As a mother I find that totally odd. Once I got told I could not take dd out of state I would have told my significant other sorry Charlie. My child comes first. JMO...
I think it would be difficult to do Skype once a day. Especially w everyone schedule and the time difference. I think if you are a non-costodial parent who chose to be that far, you wouldn't mind doing once or twice a week. If you were that adamant that you cared, you wouldn't have left in the first place.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
No, you cannot help who you fall in love with but you did choose to move for your husband instead of stay for your daughter. Your DH could not say no to the government but you could have stayed behind, you choose a man instead of custody.
Exactly. I would rather be long distance from my partner and have to Skype him then be long distance from my chidren.
Regarding the Skype schedule, 4 years old is awfully young to try and keep their attention for more then a few minutes. Skyping daily does allow you to see each other and talk briefly, but it's not "quality" conversation. Maybe if you dropped it to once or twice a week she'll be more engaged and the contact will be more meaningful. Heck, K is 6 1/2 and she'll only talk on the phone for a max of 5 minutes and then she's done. But when we had our week long visit with her and she hadn't seen BM in several days, her phone conversation was a little over 10 minutes. There was more for her to talk about and she actually wanted to talk. Try having a set day and time for the Skype conversation, and later on when she's older increase the length of the Skype or the frequency.
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Now, regarding Skype. My SS is 4 and he's been skyping off and on with his parents as long as I've seen. This summer his mom moved out of state and she'll eventually be having full custody with us having visitation. SS stayed with us this summer to ease his transition. We had skype sessions 2x a week with her. Sometimes 1x. Occasionally, it is hard on him to say goodbye. But he does get over it quickly. The CO states 1x a week for Skype sessions and that's what we are working toward. It's good to have routine and something to look forward to. So, maybe every day might be a bit much. Sometimes SS can't focus either. But that's just par for the course. It's just important that they get to see you. Lately, he's been holding pretty good conversation so it'll probably come with time. Good luck!
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
This x2. I can't believe the amount of judging. As long as the other parent is able and willing to parent, and you are able to have generous visitation and stay active, there is nothing wrong with this.
Seriously? You have a kid and then meet a new guy and decide, oh he is so great and get married. The guy is told to move and the courts say you cannot take your kid. How the hell do you decide that Longdistance parenting instead of the 50/50 is a better decision than Skying your DH? I am guessing heh decision to live separately from the spouse is not seriously considered or at least was not the choice because it would be too much of a strain on the relationship, honestly what do you think the percentage of longdistance relationships that work out long term? But somehow longdistance parenting is ok?
And seriously Emikat sp, the relationship with the new spouse is the core relationship and not the one with her FOUR year old DD? That is screwed up rationalization. And this was all likely foreseen because he was military. I am assuming from the original post that she thought the court would let her take DD but when they said no she went ahead and packed.
What baffles me is the distance OP was willing to move from her daughter. We're not talking the next town over, or even one State away. She moved across the Country. From CA to GA to be exact. There's no way to even try and have a meaningful relationship and contact from that far away. There are no extended weekend visits, no additional holidays, just bare bones Summer and alternating Christmas visits. That's not good enough for a child, I'm sorry it's just not.
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Seriously I could not look my child in the face and try to justify that.
This is all a bit melodramatic. She's not just skyping with her DD, she's got as much visitation as she can under the circumstances. The way I read it she has summers and every holiday and spring break. So, to insinuate that all she's doing is skyping to appease her daughter is a bit trite. The best thing she can do for her little girl is to be happy and to live her life as fully as she can. She's supposed to give up a husband and future children (siblings and family for DD) because he has to move? Please. And one day this "sweet little 4 year old" is going to choose a man over her mom and move away and start her own family. Then what will happen to the mom that gave up her whole life for her child and has nothing left to do but sit by the phone and wait for her DD to call? My father died when I was very little. My mom gave up everything to raise us and never remarried. Both of her kids live far away from her now and she's lonely. I wish she had found someone else. I know the situation is different, but it really taught me that you have to live your life to the fullest. OPs happiness will be shared with her DD and will give her the chance to provide so much more to her over the years in family and support. Giving up everything is not the best choice.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
Yes this. How sad for your daughter. As a mom to a 5 yo girl and a 4 month old boy I could never imagine paking up and leaving them for ANY reason. They NEED me here with them.
Do the ones that think it's fine that she left have your own bio kids? As a mother I just can't wrap my head around this one. If this was a dad leaving for his new wife I feel like more people would have a problem with it but maybe that's just me and not really the case.
Everyone would be ripping a dad a new one for doing something like this.
OP has holidays for right now. What happens when her daughter is in school and Spring Breaks are not 2 weeks? And when the little girl has friends and activities she has to miss out on for 8 weeks in the Summer?
And please don't compare a child leaving their parents to a patent leaving her child. As parents it's our JOB to raise our children and prepare them to leave us. I'm not going to hold a grudge when my children grow up, get married and potentially move away. That's what children do when they grow up and don't need parents anymore. That happens when they're adults, not 4 years old.
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Look, I'm not going to judge you. Truly. I think the outcome in long-distance situations has a lot to do with individual circumstances, and I don't know yours. It does sound like you and BF are doing a lot to keep the relationship with your daughter intact. You don't sound like a cold mother who completely abandoned her child or anything.
This bit, though, is just silly. No, you don't choose the person with whom you fall in love, but you certainly choose the person you marry. I was very much in love with the guy I dated before my husband. I broke it off with him anyway, partly because of his devotion to a career that was incompatible with the family life I wanted.
My point is that you shouldn't spin this as something that just happened to you. You made a choice to marry a man in the military, and you made a choice to go with him. Own that.
How exactly do you define a good Mom? I would start my definition with one that stays around for my kid. And yes, a parent should always put their current child before future children, that is why you should not have more kids than you can afford. I am just amazed that you are seriously arguing that a mother should knowingly put her new man before raising her child, that is just screwed up.
And for the person that said an involved parent across the country is better than an uninvolved one across town, absolutely but she had 50/50 and moved for her man, not the same.
Thank you, I am a fantastic mom. Anyone who knows me IRL would attest to that. I have nothing but the biggest open heart and unconditional love for my family. I would do every thing I could for them.
This isn't some new man in OPs life. He's her HUSBAND. I'm sorry, I know we all come from fractured families on one side or the other in our relationships on this board. That's why it's blended families. However, I do NOT believe my spouse is disposable. She thought she would get full custody of her DD, but she didn't. So, you suggest that she has to dump her husband now because of that? My SS's BM just moved across the country and she's going to have primary custody with us having visitation. I guess by default DH should quit his job, abandon his family here and move to be close to her so he can maintain 50/50 custody with his son? Come on. People need to live their lives and do the best they can with the situations that arise. No one here expected to be in these complicated families and the challenges they bring.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
I am now done with this post because I feel like slamming my head against a wall.
The difference here is she chose to leave her child, while NCP does not get a choice when CP moves with the child.
No one is suggesting she should have "left" her husband. The suggestion is that she should have maintained the long distance relationship with him versus her child that has no choice in the matter and will not understand this choice of hers. Whereas her DH, being an adult, should understand that his job is the reason for the separation.