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Blended Families
Does this make me a horrible person? (very long)
I'm a lurker on here but I rarely post.I'm a SM. DH and I have 2 kids together and I have 2 SKs. We have a typical EOW visitation with extra summer time. DH works a job that he can't change and the hours don't work out with the CO very well so I'm usually the primary cargiver when SK's are here.
I've had a health issue for years but now there is a possibility that it may have been misdiagnosed and is actually cancer. If it is cancer it means it has gone untreated for years and the prognosis isn't good. It would be very unlikely that I would survive long enough to get any of my children to adulthood. I need to have more tests to know for sure but my way of dealing with things like this is to plan for the worst case before I know if the worst case is happening. I've already decided that living is more important than being alive and It would be better for my family to have 1 good year than 5 years of being sick.
My SK's are usually much harder to take care of than my bio kids. My SK's don't adjust well to the differences in households. DH and I do all the right things as far as consistancy, expectations, etc, but they are still a handful. When they are here I feel like I'm not giving enough to my bio kids because I'm taking care of SK and the squeeky wheel gets the grease. I had accepted this a while ago but now that I may have limited time I'm not so sure.
When I married DH I knew that SKs were part of that. I don't treat them any differently than my bio kids. When we make a decision about their visits and working around things like having a baby and other large events I plan and treat the situation as if Sk's lived here full time and were my bio kids but I don't think I can with this. When it comes down to it I'm a mother of 2, not of 4. If I die my SK will still have a mother but mine wont.
If my time is limited I want to be the best mother I can to my children and I can't do that with my Sks here. I don't want to stop visitation but I can't have all the kids by myself. There may come a time when I can't even have my own kids by myself.
DH and I have one family member that could help out but no one else unless we hired someone. She helps out now but I like to limit her time here. She undermines me as a parent in front of the kids all the time. I don't think she means to but she does. Talking to her doesn't help. If I only get so much longer to be a mother I can't have this person here and interfering even if it meant that Sk's could be here more.
I guess I'm wondering if me not wanting SKs here very often anymore makes me a horrible person? I know it's not fair to treat SK differently because they are an equal part of this family. None of this situation is fair but I want to do the best for my bio kids. I feel like I need to be their mother for as long as I can even if that means not being there for SKs anymore.
I'm feeling very confused. I always said I'd treat Sks like my bio kids and all of the kids in this family would be treated equally. I feel like a horrible person for not wanting them here when DH isn't. I feel like I would be a horrible mother to my bio kids to have SKs here when it just me because it would be taking my limited resources away from my bio kids. This situation shouldn't even be happening so of course there are no right answers but I'd appreicate any thoughts you may have.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Does this make me a horrible person? (very long)
I think you're afraid, and you're having a knee-jerk reaction.
Assuming this is cancer, you're going to have to get used to taking things one day at a time. And I know that is hard when you have a type A, need-to-be-prepared personality. But try. Try to enjoy your time. Try to say yes whenever you can. And if it gets to be too much, bring in some help. A baby-sitter, a nurse, or maybe your H can take some time off through FMLA.
I am terribly sorry that you are going through this, and you are in my prayers.
So you guys have the kids Every Other Week (EOW)? Or Every Other WeekEnd (EOWE)? And how old are the SK's and your LO's?
If the SK's are little, maybe you could see about them being in daycare during your time while your DH is at work. If they are in school, you could look into after-school care or after-school programs. Or see if the family member is willing to pick them up from school and take them to her house, and then your DH could pick them up when he's at work.
A lot of factor's come into play here - the relationship your SK's and BK's have, their ages, how often you have them, how long you have been their SM & in their life, etcetera.
You're not a horrible person, you're going through a lot and trying to process everything. It seems you resent your SK's a little bit (because they are such a handful, which is understandable for you to feel that way) which makes things more difficult.
Praying it's not cancer & that everything works out.
We have SKs EOWE. Sks and 1 bio kid are elementary school age. my other bio kid is a toddler. This family member has roomates and can't take the kids there. Sk's school isn't close at all. We dont ever have them on school days so after school care isn't an issue. DH doesn't work traditional hours and on days he works he doesn't really see any of the kids.
Sorry yuo are going throught this
Prayers with you ..
how is BM? if she is civil maybe try to come to an agreement where they come home when your DH is at home. maybe she will agree given the extreme circumstance. Has your DH mentioned anything with what you are going through. Maybe try to sit and talk to him im sure he understand.
Best of Luck
I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. I think in tough times like this everyone should try to help where needed. Their birth mother will understand that there maybe times when the kids might not be able to come over. Maybe their dad could just go see them for a few hours or something instead? I definitely would not cut out all visitation but maybe as needed you and your H will decide to cut out a day here and there.
I think if you just explain to the kids that you are sick and won't be able to care for them all the time they will understand.
Try to ask and gather whatever support you can from friends and family. And your husband is entitled to 12 weeks per year time off under FMLA if he has worked at his company for on year and if they have 50 or more employees within a 75 mile radius. He can take this leave intermittently. He can take a full three months off or he can take a day or a day and a half here and there. It is unpaid leave though so unless he has sick and vacation saved he won't get paid probably.
Best of luck to you.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
If you are having a difficult time, and especially considering your illness, I'm sure your DH would be supportive of you hiring help so that your stepkids can be included.
As hard as it may be, DH may need to look into adjusting the custody agreement to better fit his work schedule so that he is there when your SKs are. Its not fair to you or to them if they come for "Dad's weekend" and he's not even there.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this & hope that you are able to enjoy each and every day you do have with you children and DH.
Thoughts & prayers
Thanks. I agree with things PP's have said - seeing if BM will be flexible about the days, having your husband take sick/vacation/unpaid leave (if you can afford it), hiring help (again, if you can afford it and if you want it).
I am really sorry you are going through this, & hope everything works out.
I'm lurking on this board and don't have any real advice. But I didn't want to read and not comment.
I agree with you that there are no right answers. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with any part of this. t&p
This was my thought yesterday when I did not know how to respond. If you find out you have cancer and are not given a good prognosis I would try to include the SK as much as you can because it will likely further the bond as sibling. And you are not horrible for putting you bio kids first bc as you said if something happened to you the SKs would still have BM but it would be beneficial especially as adults for the kids to have each other. If it turns out as feared maybe you can approach BM and DH that you might need help but that the kids bond is extremely important to you.
This is what I was thinking. My CO says that if BD isn't able to be w/DS during his visitation then DS is just supposed to stay with me. (This never happens b/c BD is an azz but that is neither here nor there.)
So sorry for what you are going through. I hope the scenario playing out in your head is far worse then the actual situation ends up being.