Sigh. Am I wrong? (Kind of long post)

JL425

Hi ladies! I might delete this later just in case my mom ever came across it somehow, lol, but I need some opinions on this situation. This might be very long, lol.

 My mom lives about 45 minutes away. My husband's mom lives about 25 minutes away. One day a week, my MIL takes DD for the day because she wants to spend that time with her, and it allows me to get some things done that I wouldn't be able to otherwise.

 This week, I had a dentist appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning early, on my side of town. I asked my mom if she wanted to babysit, but she said that she didn't want to mess the schedule up since she knew MIL keeps DD on Thursdays. So, I ended up asking MIL to babysit for my appointment, and since it's early in the morning, we thought DD could just spend the night with MIL instead of me having to drive DD over there super early Thursday morning to drop her off.

 Well, my mom just called me pissed off and yelling about how she doesn't understand why I treat her and MIL differently. She's upset that I'm letting DD spend the night at MIL's house, but never let her spend the night at her house. This isn't even true, because DD has spent the night with her before. Honestly the only time we do this anyway is if DH and I are out of town, or if there's some appointment like this time.

 So basically...has anyone ever dealt with this strange grandma competition type thing? My mom is super pissed. I'm not sure if I did the wrong thing. Should I have asked me mom if she wanted to keep her over night? I don't know.

But, now DD started running a fever yesterday, and is still running one this morning. I've been keeping a check on it, and prepared to call the doctor if I think I need to. The pedi always tells us it's not necessary unless the fever gets to a certain point, or if it goes on for three days, or if there are symptoms of ear infection along with it, etc. So, while on the phone arguing with my mom about the other thing, she asked me about when I'm taking DD to the doctor. I told her I wasn't at this point. Then she started yelling about how I need to call the doctor, that that's what makes a good mother, etc. etc. etc.

I hung up on her at that point. I have never hung up on anyone, especially my mother, in my life. 

Am I wrong? If so, please tell me. I don't want to be the bad guy here, but I'm so frustrated with this weird grandma competition. I'm also super pissed that she implied I'm a bad mother for not calling the pedi yet. Opinions? Help!

And sorry. Super tl;dr.

MomlovesEloise

I don't think there's a right or wrong on this one. I can see your side, but I can also see hers. Sometimes people get hyper-sensitive and irrational. Sounds like your mom feels bad and wants to hear that she's wanted and important. She handled it poorly, but her feelings are valid. I'm sure she knows that DD is spending the night with your MIL out of convenience, but it's hard not to get emotional over some things.

Maybe you guys can plan a girls day, just the 3 of you so you can spend some quality time?  

 

ASmallWonder

BostonKisses2:

No, I don't think you're wrong, especially since you've done the sleepover thing before for appointments.  As for calling the pedi, that's your decision, not your mother's.  I'm sorry that she's making things difficult for you right now.

All this.  I mean, on top of everything else, you asked her if she wanted to babysit and she said no.  That means ANY plans you made with MIL after that are irrelevant.  And I'd be super pissed about her comments on the doctor.

tarebear9891

Um no you aren't wrong. I think your mom is harboring some resentment about how much time she gets with your LO in comparison to your MIL. I would call her back and say that you are sorry she is upset but her reaction was uncalled for. You gave her first dibs this time and she turned you down. 

See if in the future she wants to plan on days she can have your LO so it's in her control. 

Swainb

So you asked her to babysit, she said no, and is now mad that MIL is babysitting?

No you're not wrong, she is.  

MandaPanda518

I don't think you're wrong to be frustrated, it sounds like your mom is being immature. Maybe you can set a schedule with her to spend time with DD so she knows she has a set time with her, just like MIL does. 

Hesterlicious

You are doing what is best for your family. There is no way you are wrong. 

Your DD is learning that life isn't fair, it's too bad we can't teach adults the same thing in situations like this.

ShellShockedMama

(1) Seems to me that your MIL takes initiative when it comes to spending time with your daughter. SHE requests to have her on Thursdays, this is not your request that ypu are making of your MIL. Does your mother do the same? 

(2) you gave your mother the option to watch your daughter. For whatever reason and I don't care what that reason is, she declined. Her fault. Not yours.

(3) your mother is batshitscrazy for giving you any issue about the doctor thing. You are following doctors orders your mother zip it.

Based solely on info in your OP, I think your mother is insecure because she's giving less effort in spending time with your daughter that your MIL. Instead of dealing with it like an adult  and being proactive and saying "hey, I'd love to have her on Friday" or something, she blames you. Because its easier than accepting her responsibility in this. 

ShellShockedMama

MomlovesEloise:

I don't think there's a right or wrong on this one. I can see your side, but I can also see hers. Sometimes people get hyper-sensitive and irrational. Sounds like your mom feels bad and wants to hear that she's wanted and important. She handled it poorly, but her feelings are valid. I'm sure she knows that DD is spending the night with your MIL out of convenience, but it's hard not to get emotional over some things.

Maybe you guys can plan a girls day, just the 3 of you so you can spend some quality time?  

 

I disagree that her mother has any right to be upset. The MIL has taken initiative to spend time with her grandchild. OP's mother does not (at least that's what I infer) and then throws a temper tantrum instead of acting like an adult? I don't think OP should cater to the whims of a person prone to hysterics. This is the fault of the OPs mother, she outright declined babysitting. How's that OPs fault?,

JL425

Thank you all for reading and responding. I've just been so upset, and had to vent somewhere.

I'm one of those people who tries so hard all the time to keep everybody happy. I literally worry myself sick about not hurting others feelings. I'm weird like that, lol. I knew my mom doesn't get to see DD as much as MIL does, so that's why I asked her first if she'd like to babysit. So when she said to let MIL do it, I had no idea it would be such a big deal that DD was going to spend the night.

I guess maybe we need to set up a regularly scheduled day that my mom gets to spend time with DD, like a few of you said. Then maybe this sort of thing won't happen.  I do understand that she wants to see her more often.

As far as the lecturing me about the doctor thing, I'm not ready to forgive on that one yet. Maybe that's wrong, but I'm completely offended that she thinks I'm not at all times trying to do what's best for my daughter. *Sigh*

Thanks ladies.

MomlovesEloise

ShellShockedMama:

MomlovesEloise:

I don't think there's a right or wrong on this one. I can see your side, but I can also see hers. Sometimes people get hyper-sensitive and irrational. Sounds like your mom feels bad and wants to hear that she's wanted and important. She handled it poorly, but her feelings are valid. I'm sure she knows that DD is spending the night with your MIL out of convenience, but it's hard not to get emotional over some things.

Maybe you guys can plan a girls day, just the 3 of you so you can spend some quality time?  

 

I disagree that her mother has any right to be upset. The MIL has taken initiative to spend time with her grandchild. OP's mother does not (at least that's what I infer) and then throws a temper tantrum instead of acting like an adult? I don't think OP should cater to the whims of a person prone to hysterics. This is the fault of the OPs mother, she outright declined babysitting. How's that OPs fault?,

 

I'm not saying it's the OPs fault. And I said that her mother was expressing her emotions poorly, but her emotions aren't wrong. Just because she's being irrational, doesn't mean her emotions don't come from a valid place.

 

OP, you did nothing wrong. I would have done the same thing. Your mom expressed herself poorly. I'm only saying that she's upset because she wants to feel wanted and spend time with you guys. You can't fault her for that. And I think some quality time would do wonders. 

 

ETA: Spelling 

littlemac1117

MomlovesEloise:

I don't think there's a right or wrong on this one. I can see your side, but I can also see hers. Sometimes people get hyper-sensitive and irrational. Sounds like your mom feels bad and wants to hear that she's wanted and important. She handled it poorly, but her feelings are valid. I'm sure she knows that DD is spending the night with your MIL out of convenience, but it's hard not to get emotional over some things.

Maybe you guys can plan a girls day, just the 3 of you so you can spend some quality time?  

 

This. My dad sounds like your mom. He and my MIL are DS's only living grandparents, and he gets this weird jealous thing going whenever I talk about how awesome she is, even though she lives across the country from us and has only seen DS when he was a newborn. Its weird, but he usually just needs to feel special haha.

[Deleted User]

ShellShockedMama:

(1) Seems to me that your MIL takes initiative when it comes to spending time with your daughter. SHE requests to have her on Thursdays, this is not your request that ypu are making of your MIL. Does your mother do the same? 

(2) you gave your mother the option to watch your daughter. For whatever reason and I don't care what that reason is, she declined. Her fault. Not yours.

(3) your mother is batshitscrazy for giving you any issue about the doctor thing. You are following doctors orders your mother zip it.

Based solely on info in your OP, I think your mother is insecure because she's giving less effort in spending time with your daughter that your MIL. Instead of dealing with it like an adult  and being proactive and saying "hey, I'd love to have her on Friday" or something, she blames you. Because its easier than accepting her responsibility in this. 

Yeah, what she said.  Is there any way you can email your mom & tell her this?  That way you can lay it out there for her without getting interrupted or side-tracked. 

JL425

Hesterlicious:

Your DD is learning that life isn't fair, it's too bad we can't teach adults the same thing in situations like this.

Thank you for saying this. The story of my life right here. I consistently feel like I understand this fact a lot more than my parents do.

JL425

Seriously, thanks to all you ladies. Posting here and reading your replies has helped me to have a better idea of how to approach this, and it's also helped me calm down a little.

I'm typing up an email to her right now.  I'm doing the email route because I just feel like I communicate so much better when I write things down. I need to get something figured out with her, because I just can't deal with this for DD's entire childhood. It will make me crazy. As angry as I am, I know that we need to find a solution.

 

ShellShockedMama

I still can't wrap my head around why this woman is allowed to feel upset when

1. SHE DECLINED WATCHING THE CHILD 

2. The woman does not seem make the effort in securing time. Why can't she call? Why can't she set up a play date? This isn't OPs burden. 

All I can say is if you cater to a woman when she treats you like crap due to "emotions", you are never ever going to be able to please her. She's an adult. She can call her own daughter and politely request, "I'd love to take little Susie to the zoo, just the two of us".  

I have no idea why I'm fired up about this. Lol.  

kllrbnny

elmoali:

BostonKisses2:

No, I don't think you're wrong, especially since you've done the sleepover thing before for appointments.  As for calling the pedi, that's your decision, not your mother's.  I'm sorry that she's making things difficult for you right now.

All this.  I mean, on top of everything else, you asked her if she wanted to babysit and she said no.  That means ANY plans you made with MIL after that are irrelevant.  And I'd be super pissed about her comments on the doctor.

All of the above, especially the bolded.

I can understand feeling bad about hanging up on her, and when you talk to her you could maybe apologize for that part. I completely understand the impulse to hang up on her though! I would have, too.

JL425

ShellShockedMama:

I still can't wrap my head around why this woman is allowed to feel upset when

1. SHE DECLINED WATCHING THE CHILD 

2. The woman does not seem make the effort in securing time. Why can't she call? Why can't she set up a play date? This isn't OPs burden. 

All I can say is if you cater to a woman when she treats you like crap due to "emotions", you are never ever going to be able to please her. She's an adult. She can call her own daughter and politely request, "I'd love to take little Susie to the zoo, just the two of us".  

I have no idea why I'm fired up about this. Lol.  

 Thank you for being fired up about it! Lol, seriously. It's nice to know that others see why I'm so upset.

She basically thinks that we need to make more of an effort to come see her, rather than her coming to see DD. I guess she thinks it's completely our responsibility to make sure she sees her granddaughter, but I just don't get it. We give her lots of opportunities to see DD, but we can't always drive 45 minutes down the road to her house for it to happen. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.

I mean, I asked her if she wanted to babysit, even told her I wanted to ask her before MIL since Mom doesn't get to see her as much. She said no. What in the world am I supposed to do with that?

ShellShockedMama

So, she wants to be lazy and have a relationship with her grandchild served to her on a silver platter? Yea, no. I KNEW this is exactly what she was like, just from your OP. I bees smart.

You cannot let HER dictate this. You cannot let her put the burden on you. She is lazy and she doesn't want to be accountable for her laziness. That's unfair for you and you should not have to put up with this. 

Here's what I'd write (more or less, I'm heated up so you may have to tone it down a bit):

Mom,

I understand that you were upset about recent events concerning DD. In order to have a positive relationship from here on out, you can choose a day in which you would like to come and get DD or come to the house and spend time with her. It can be once a week like MIL or once a month, or whatever frequency you wish.

Let me know what works for your schedule and then we can work together so that our schedules can mesh and you can have the time with DD that you desire. 

Sincerely,

A daughter that is too good for her mother.