Talking to my mom is frustrating....

halliekathleen

When she goes on and on about how she was a SAHM with 5 kids and no help from my dad. If I tell her my husband changed a diaper or gave a bath she gets all jealous and it makes me feel inadequate. My DHs family says the same thing at family gatherings pointing out how much things have changed and mothers have less kids but need more help. How in the world did these women raise so many kids without help from their husbands? I would lose my mind! Does anyone else's mom or MIL do this?

jnjmommy0609

It seems she is still trapped in the past or truly jealous. No I never had to deal with this. I would just recommend not even bothering telling her anything involving that. I would get annoyed too.

danienross

My dad is the only one who has made comments of that nature but he's an @ss.  His comments are usually along the lines of "DH is the one with a real job, he should be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and not have to worry about tending to the baby".  I'd say try to avoid the topic. 

Newt69

My mom tried to talk me out of staying home. After I explained to her that there was no guarantee that I would have my job when I went back, she sort of understood. Its not permanent and I plan on working at any type of job when I am ready to..probably January.

ETA: i do not see Dh giving baths or changing a diaper as help, I see that as him being a father and wanting to be there with his child no matter what the duty is. right ladies?

rab41380

YES!  My mom does this all the tiem!

PurpleDrewbie5

jnjmommy0609:

It seems she is still trapped in the past or truly jealous. No I never had to deal with this. I would just recommend not even bothering telling her anything involving that. I would get annoyed too.

This. How annoying. Just because your husband wants to be an active parent doesn't make you an inactive one. If I were you I wouldn't even talk to her about it.

littlemermaid

It definitely is a generation thing.  My mom didn't even know how to drive until my oldest brother was like 8 years old(my mom came to the USA after she got married), so it's not like she could take the 3 of us kids anywhere unless we were going to walk and there wasn't anything close by anyways.  My mom never sat on the floor and played with us either, that's what our siblings were for.  The woman worked cleaning, cooking, baking, canning foods from sun up to sun down.  She never sat down, the house was always spotless.  We definitely entertained ourselves but those were the days of kids stayed outside until the street lamps came on.  My father worked 2 jobs so he was hardly ever home.  But it was the same thing with all of my parents friends, the moms were definitely the homemakers and the dads were the breadwinners.  I don't think any of my friends' moms worked, they were all sahms.  Parenting definitely has changed from when I was a kid.

halliekathleen

I have learned not to say anything to my mom about what my DH does as far as the kids and the house are concerned. It is SO true that although my mom kept a perfect house but never played with us or read books with us. She was too busy cooking and cleaning! We never had babysitters growing up and that is another problem...when I ask her to watch the kids so my DH and I can go out kid free and she always reminds me that she never did that when we were little. I want to say "okay here's your award now can we go to dinner?"

jw87

She's obviously bitter at your Dad and it didn't work out back then... they needed just as much help, her saying all that is proof. 

Mrs.Hizzo

My mom comments on it. Not in a derogatory way, but she'll talk about how my dad never lifted a finger when it came to his kids or the house.

Although I can see how it would be annoying, you have to understand that these women aren't exaggerating their realities as SAHMs. That's the way it was, at least for the majority of them. They didn't b!tch about it because it never occurred to them that their husbands would be taking care of any of the domestic stuff. And yes, it's often mind-blowing to them that guys these days do that.

I don't think children need more care than they used to, but just our perception of what they need has changed. Whether that's for the better is debatable, but 30 years ago, a woman with five children and no spousal support wasn't bending over backwards to entertain her kids. She was doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, and basically leaving them to their own devices other than making sure they were safe. It's not shocking that these women don't understand our current culture where being a SAHM means spending 90% of your time trying to enrich your baby and only 10% actually getting household tasks done.

chelseymat

My mom is the same way. When I used to say I had a hard day juggling two kids when DS2 was a newborn her response was always, "how do you like it? i had two kids and two jobs and you dad did nothing" It blows my moms mind that DH watches both kids alone. She's always saying "I couldn't trust your father. He never brushed your teeth....blah blah blah" Or she'll come over and look in my cabinet and say, "Oh Jiff, we never had the money for fancy name brand peanut butter...we never had any money" My husband and I call it "winning." She has to beat everyone at having the hardest life. She once actually had the gall to say she had more problems than a homeless guy we saw on the side of the road because she had to work for her money. LOL

hellopoppyseed

If I were you, I'd take a nice passive aggressive approach. When she started saying things like this, I'd just hang up the phone. Do it every time consistently just as an experiment. You are not required to listen to that. Just don't. 

FormerlyKrista555

They raised us, but most of them didn't spend as much time actually interacting with us.  They took care of our basic needs, but there wasn't a whole lot of playing, outings, teaching, etc.

At least that was my experience as a kid. My mom did a good job, but she just wasn't as involved in my learning and playtime as I am with my DD.

ETA: sorry, just went back and read the other responses and I basically echoed what they said.   

Notwifezilla7

Mrs.Hizzo:

My mom comments on it. Not in a derogatory way, but she'll talk about how my dad never lifted a finger when it came to his kids or the house.

Although I can see how it would be annoying, you have to understand that these women aren't exaggerating their realities as SAHMs. That's the way it was, at least for the majority of them. They didn't b!tch about it because it never occurred to them that their husbands would be taking care of any of the domestic stuff. And yes, it's often mind-blowing to them that guys these days do that.

I don't think children need more care than they used to, but just our perception of what they need has changed. Whether that's for the better is debatable, but 30 years ago, a woman with five children and no spousal support wasn't bending over backwards to entertain her kids. She was doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, and basically leaving them to their own devices other than making sure they were safe. It's not shocking that these women don't understand our current culture where being a SAHM means spending 90% of your time trying to enrich your baby and only 10% actually getting household tasks done.

I think this may be the route of it. 

 

alli2672

I am sure that my mom worked a lot harder than I do.  She was there with us helping with homework, taking us places, and playing on the floor.  She was also up in the middle of the night doing laundry, mopping the floors, painting the walls, and prepping meals for the next day. 

While I respect what my mom went through and how difficult that must have been, I don't see any reason to repeat that just because she did it.  There are really other things I would rather do.  

 

 

 

Happily Overwhelmed

I forever get these comments from my mother. My father is still around but was really a dead beat when it comes to a dad.... They are still married but we only talk when we HAVE TO because of the past. My mom is forever telling me how lucky I am that my husband helps. When he's home it's pretty much 50/50. I get tired of hearing how "lucky" I am when IMO he's doing what he's supposed to. I feel like telling her just because she got walked over doesn't make it the "norm" and I'm not a princess...just in a good marriage. But I continue to bite my tongue...

My inlaws are pretty uninvolved. But most baby questions are referred to me. It's like they don't expect DH to have any of the answers and shocked when he knows things. Again people, he's the father---he's involved!

Part of me considers maybe it's more of a generational thing? But even so I'm not sure why mother's/MIL's can't be glad that both parents are more involved in children's lives today. .....Jealousy perhaps? 

mick64

My mom SAH, but I don't get these comments from her. DH's mom worked, so sometimes I get to hear about how hard it was and how she just had to do what she had to do to get by.

My grandma, who stayed home with 4 kids, has told my sister before how much she admires her for playing with her kids and giving them lots of attention. She regrets that she spent so much time cooking and cleaning that she never played with her kids when they were little. I would guess that's maybe how a lot of our mothers/MILs feel, but they can't necessarily be honest with the regret because of guilt, so it comes out in jealousy or rude comments.

pastalady

Yeah, I agree with all the pp. 40 years ago kids were outside from sun up to sun down. Parents didn't put their kids in all the activities and lessons we do now.

I remember my mom locking me out of the house one day, I was about 5. She told me not to come back until dinner lol! I can't imagine doing that to DD.

As much as I love my mom and admire her, I cannot recall one single incident of her playing with me, ever.

 

halliekathleen

pastalady:

Yeah, I agree with all the pp. 40 years ago kids were outside from sun up to sun down. Parents didn't put their kids in all the activities and lessons we do now.

I remember my mom locking me out of the house one day, I was about 5. She told me not to come back until dinner lol! I can't imagine doing that to DD.

As much as I love my mom and admire her, I cannot recall one single incident of her playing with me, ever.

 

 

Haha  I just remembered that my mom locked us outside one day during the summer too! I can't imagine doing that now...geesh!

matt'sbride

I know how you feel. In my eyes, my Dad was the perfect Dad and I've always been his "Daddy's little girl". My mom seems to have had a different experience when we were growing up. Anytime I say that DH is changing a diaper, bathing her, or anything else helpful, she makes a smart-alec comment about how it must be nice to have some help and how she had to do it all herself.

I get it. She did a great job with us. My Dad also did a great job putting food on the table and being a great dad. I've heard his side of the stories too. He worked all day and volunteered at the local Fire Dept at night. He would get so upset when he made it home just in time to see us before bed, only to be called away for a fire.

No one's perfect and times have changed. It's exhausting to have to remind my mom of that all the time, though.

matt'sbride

halliekathleen:

I have learned not to say anything to my mom about what my DH does as far as the kids and the house are concerned. It is SO true that although my mom kept a perfect house but never played with us or read books with us. She was too busy cooking and cleaning! We never had babysitters growing up and that is another problem...when I ask her to watch the kids so my DH and I can go out kid free and she always reminds me that she never did that when we were little. I want to say "okay here's your award now can we go to dinner?"

YES! I can so relate to this!