To SAH, or not to SAH...

Sherbet Lemon

How did you make the decision?  I'm scheduled to go back to work in less than a month, and DH and I have very different opinions on if I should go back or not.  Working part time or working from home aren't options with my job, so it's all or nothing, as far as going back is concerned.

What factors did you consider when making the decision for yourselves?  Would you do it differently if you had the choice to make all over again (or if something were different about your situation, would it cause you to make a different decision)? 

I'm interested in hearing how other people have dealt with this decision.

Swainb

I'm not really any help, I always wanted to be a SAHM so when DD came I stayed home. It's hard and we sacrifice a lot of wants, but our needs our met so it works for us. 

lauriebyronm

After ds was born I worked part time for a year. dh wanted me to be a sahm and so did I but he wanted to wait until he graduated from the academy. A month after he graduated I left my job and couldn't be happier. But this is what I always wanted to do.

penguingrrl

For us it was a combination of things. DH and I had always wanted me to SAH with kids. On top of that, we were in NYC where COL is insanely high but salaries don't match up at all (the line that people are paid more in HCOL areas is a myth, at least for entry level). Childcare would have exceeded my take-home pay by quite a bit and DH travels too frequently to work opposite each other.

Now things are better and we're in a slightly lower COL area (NJ, so still high but not Manhattan) and we like having me home. I may go back part time once the baby cooking is in school full time, but we'll see where we are then. We want me home when the kids get home from school and available to chaperone school trips and be class mom, so if I work it will be during school hours only.

missymo

For us it simply had to do with who had the better job.  I was a Realtor working on commission.  I made good money with the potential for making more than DH....but he had very steady hours (6am-2:30), amazing health insurance (baby only cost us $75!), and lots of job security.  

 We wanted one of us to stay home with her, so I took the plunge because of all the above.  It was important to us.  If we couldnt hack it financially, we would have made a different choice though.   Also, I stopped working about 7 months before DD was born so we could flesh the whole situation out.  

catycate

I love staying home- it allows for a simpler, slower life for everyone in the family, which I think is beneficial for DS. I worked part-time until he was 14 months and that was great, too, but my employer said no more and I chose SAH. My salary could not have covered daycare and my student loans, and my husband makes enough so that my salary never really went to household stuff, it was just fun money/daycare money (this was before my loans came out of forbearance). Money was the main consideration, but also I didn't want the hustle bustle of busting ass to get the kid to and from daycare, maintaining the house (I do not have a husband that helps out with that stuff very easily). I wouldn't change a thing, it is the best choice I have ever made.

I would not have done it, however, if I had to be stuck in the hour all day. I hear some women talk about how they don't have a car and can't go anywhere and that would kill me. 

kcisthebombdotcom

I was the cliche that quit my job on maternity leave. lol I really didn't know what I wanted to do. When I was pregnant I leaned towards working, but once my son was born I leaned towards being at home. I did happen to find a job in my field 15-20 hours a week and that worked great for a few years. Earlier this year I resigned because of schedule restrictions/my son's therapies and now I SAH with the kids during the day. I waitress 2 evening nights a week for some adult interaction/extra spending cash. I much prefer that schedule.

I wouldn't change anything if I could. I made the decision that worked best in the moment and changed it when it wasn't working anymore.

MrsGoodkat

DH and I both wanted me to SAH but ultimately the deciding factor was that the money we would have brought in with me working was minimal after childcare costs. It wasn't worth the extra couple hundred a month for me to miss out on being home with my child(ren). We are comfortable though we know we won't be able to actually get ahead for a few more years but that's okay with us. In the long run, the time I'll be home and not working is short, so we make it work.

MrsCodeMonkey

Years ago I would not have wanted to be a SAHM, but once I got pregnant it was the right choice for us for now. We had recently moved and I gave up my teaching job. Here I couldn't get another one. I would have had to sub, which would barely cover daycare. 

When DD starts school I'll apply to more teaching jobs and go from there. I only want to go back to work if it's for a good position. We're okay financially, so I'd go back if I could get job satisfaction. I want to love what I do and right now I love seeing DD grow and learn every day. One day I envision us sitting around the table doing work together - her doing homework and me grading.

I do have concerns about going back. DH is used to me doing everything but the yard and pool work. I wouldn't be able to keep that up with a full time job. I used to when I taught full time and it was not fun. We fought over chores constantly. I couldn't deal with dishes piling up on the counter and I'd do them even if it was his turn. As soon as I'd finish he'd say he was about to do them (2-3 days later). Men! 

DevonPow

I have been a SAHM for 5 years now. The major factors in our decision:

- DH made/makes significantly more than I did. We are lucky that with losing my income we did not need to make any lifestyle changes.

- DH works very long hours and travels a lot. Me being home is a big help in terms of running the household. My old position had a lot of evenings and weekend obligations, and it really wouldn;t have been feasible adding in DH's schedule. Daycare wouldn't have worked, we would have needed a full time nanny.

- I liked my job a lot, but I was not so passionate about it that it was hard to leave. It was also not a field where me leaving for a few years would be severely detrimental for me.

I had always wanted to stay home, but neither of us feel one of us HAS to be home. If we had needed to make major lifestyle changes, or really cut down on investments/retirement, etc. we would not have done it.

I have to admit that even though I had always wanted to SAH, I HATED it the first 6 months or so. I was really jealous of DH going to work every day - I even missed my subway commute! It took a while for me to adjust and find my groove.

CoffeeBeen

I took a full year of maternity leave and by that point I was aching to get back to work.  I found SAH to be physically and emotionally demanding, while intellectually and socially lonely.  It was an easy decision for me because I knew that SAH long-term would not sync with me.  Both DH and my job are flexible enough that DS is in daycare 2/3 days a week, and they do such a good job with the kids, I'm always learning from them.  The main deciding factor was our happiness and how DS adjusted to daycare. 

In all honesty, I don't think I would have been ready to go back at 3 months.  If you don't feel ready, then don't go back.

I know that your DH will be impacted, but at the same time, he's not the one who will SAH or work.  Listen to him, but don't let him make the decision.

gisa886

For us it came down to daycare costs and the fact that we are both retail workers so we can't work an opposite schedules. Now that we have number 2 I'd have to find a really amazing job and that just isn't happening. 

TunaTown

I thought I'd enjoy being a SAH (I was contracting and decided to take a break when one of my contracts ended).

I learned pretty quickly that I am not the SAH type of gal.

Some women LOVE being a SAH. I admire those ladies. I couldn't do it.

 

AshasaurusRex

For us, we CAN afford it. We don't have tons of extra money, but we're not scraping by either on one salary. So for me right now, staying home with the kids is more important then the extra income I'd make by working. My husband is fully supportive of this which is really important, you both have to agree on the decision either way. That being said, I am about to start working toward becoming a doula which will bring in extra income, but I'll still get to stay home.

Deblondie1

For us it was the cost of childcare and the fact that someone else would LITERALLY have been raising my kid. H and I were both active duty military when we got pregnant. I was working shift work (2 weeks of 12 hour days, then 2 weeks of 12 hour nights) and H had orders to Korea for a year. My shop knew he would be gone for a year and basically told me "Oh that sucks, we aren't going to change your schedule to help you out while you single parent." 

Not only would I have had to find childcare to cover 14 hours a day, I would have had to have found someone to take E for 14 hours overnight. The price alone would have been through the roof, not to mention that I would have never seen my kid.

So since my shop was a bunch of a-holes and the money thing, I separated early and now I SAH while going to on line school full time.  

ETA: No I don't think I would change my decision. With E's prematurity and then follow-up doctor visits weekly for the last year, there is just no way I would have been able to keep being in the military. I think we made the right decision for our family.  

Sherbet Lemon

Thanks for all the responses.  I want to SAH, DH is worried about finances and that I might not be able to get a job later if I quit mine now. (Being a teacher makes it difficult because many districts don't like to hire people who have more experience and education.  We're more expensive than teachers fresh out of college.)

My job currently provides our health insurance, which is really good. We wouldn't have to pay for daycare but the cost of insurance plus the increased premiums would pretty much negate that savings. DH is worried that if he lost his job, we would have no income at all.  So me not working would increase his stress. He has also been open that he might end up resenting me for leaving him with the entire financial burden. He doesn't want to see all the education I've gone through to go waste and thinks I'll miss the social interaction.

I've been trying to make myself accept the idea of returning to work, but it's literally kept me up at night and I've been getting worse as the day to go back has gotten closer.  Where our finances are now, we can survive on one income and continue to put some money into savings each month.  Not as much as we do now, and we'd have to pay attention to a budget, but it can be done. I think. 

But I feel guilty.  I'm a people pleaser at heart and I don't like making a decision that I know will add stress to DH.  At the same time, going back to work will make me stressed out and unhappy.  I don't want to miss time with DD or all the firsts in her life - I'll never be able to get that time or those moments back if I miss them.  But I also want her to grow up with parents in a happy marriage and I don't want DH to be miserable because of the decision I make either. 

We'll definitely be having some serious conversations before we make the final decision either way.  My gut is telling me to stay at home, my head is telling me to just deal with it and go back.

MrsCodeMonkey

I will tell you that me staying at home did put a lot of stress on DH. He was always very laid back and never stressed, so when I saw signs of it I was surprised. He worries and stresses being the only income provider. He's a software engineer and makes enough for us not to worry, but we tend to over spend. I'm guilty of it too. We got so used to having two incomes that it was tough to cut back. We also have all of DD's expenses on top of everything.

When I read that post about living off $1200 I felt guilty because we don't have a clue how to make that happen. I do coupon and we cut cable, but that's not much. 

Big story short - it's a tough adjustment and it's stressful. Is it worth it? Yes! If you're happy.  

jess60

For us, it was simple.  SO hated his job, didn't make much money & had no benefits.  I had been at my job 9 years, made decent money & had benefits.  He was/is a SAHD.

He just started a part-time job yesterday & fortunately we are able to have family watch DS while we are both at work.

PeonyPumps

I work part time right now, and I work a lot of weekends.  I NEVER work on either Monday or Tuesday, and after baby #2, we are planning on me working less than I do now (although still working).  Part of our decision in that was that we wanted to have our children with us more than 50% of the time.  So, out of a 7 day week, Saturdays and Sundays DS always spends with my H while I work, and Mondays/Tuesdays are always spent with me while DH works.  DS does go to daycare three days a week.  After the new baby, we are trying to make it so I'll always be off three days per week, so he will only go to daycare two days a week total.  I'd LOVE to SAH full time, but it just isn't in the budget for us right now.  We are working really hard to get in a better financial position though, with cutting back on a lot of things and living quite differently than we ever have before.  It has overall been a really good thing for our family.