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Just a sad desperate thought

XV11StarXV11Star member
in Infertility Veterans

The last month or so has been especially hard on me - really the last couple of weeks... as I wrap my mind further around my TTC journey truly being over.  I find myself thinking crazy desperate OOP, DOR, AMA, IVF only option thoughts like... well, I only ever produced a few eggs even on max drugs.  So why not just do cheaper unmedicated IVF cycles?  Just do a couple monitoring appts, trigger, and go in and retrieve that one egg and roll the dice for far less $.  Is that nuts?  It is, otherwise everyone in my situation would be doing it, right??

Sigh.  I don't mean to bring my crap here especially when I've been really patchy with my support and visiting this board over the last few months.  I just feel so in-between places emotionally and literally not sure what board - if any - I belong on.  No reply needed -- just venting really... 

 Still think of you ladies all the time even when I am not posting!!

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Re: Just a sad desperate thought

  • Roxie5739Roxie5739 member
    ((((HUGS))) IF messes with us all and impacts us far beyond what we deserve. I am sorry that you are dealing with this

    Multiple ectopics, 2 failed IVF's
    IVF #1: Did not get to ET, embies all failed PGD (major chromosomal defects)
    IVF #2: We have 2 chromosomally perfect embies as a result of PGD (Boy/Girl) 1 failed the thaw (Girl) Transferred 1, yet ended as a c/p
    Thought it was the end of our TTC Journey 6/20/2012
    SHOCK BFP 9/28/2012: IT'S A BOY! and everything is normal !!!!!!

    Little A born 38w 2d on 05/23/13 and is a true miracle for this IF Vet!
     

    image              

     


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  • GregermisGregermis member
    ART can be addictive and its so hard not to think of what if the next treatment is the one that gives us our miracle. Only you can decide when enough is enough, and that makes the decision that much harder. Thinking of you too hun
    TTC #1 Since 4/2010, Cycle 30
    Positive for HLA-B27, I'm a mutant :p
    Testing - Me ok, gluten issue? DH - borderline count, low motility
    4/28/11 IUI#1 = BFP!(5/25), EDD 2/2/12 - m/c 5w3d
    7/3, 7/31, 9/25 - IUI#2-4=BFN
    IVF#1 - 1 blast = BFP!! (12/30), EDD 9/9/12, confirmed c/p 4w2d
    FET#1 3/2/12 - 2 blasts =BFP!! EDD 11/18/12, us#1 = twins! Confirmed m/c 5w6d
    4/20-surprise BFP and another c/p 4w2d
    FET#2 7/16/12 - 2 blasts = BFN
    FET#3 8/20/12 - 1 blast - BFP!! Beta #1-2=177, 354
    1st u/s 5w6d, one beautiful little HB :), 2nd u/s 146bpm
    baby girl born 5/10/13

    TTC#2 since 12/17/2014, Cycle 8
    Repeat Testing...FSH=12, AMH=3.8, AFC=28. 
    IUI#5 5/10/15- c/p?
    IVF#2 8/19/15 - cancelled due to cysts
    IVF#2 take two 10/2015 - 5 blasts frozen
    FET#4 12/11/2015 - BFN - 4 blasts remaining
    FET#5 2/18/16 - BFP!!!  Beta1-3, 126, 250, 745!!

    Image and video hosting by TinyPicLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Tons of love and ((hugs)) to my IF sister NMscubagirl


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  • PrettyAccountantPrettyAccountant member

    I am sorry you are feeling this way. IF brings out the worst in us and makes us desperate to grab on to one last hope of anything. The what ifs are the worst because if you are like me, you can make yourself believe anything.

    Honestly though, if this is something you want to consider, bring it up to your dr. Even if it is a crazy idea - let the dr tell you why then maybe you can feel more at peace that you left no stone unturned.

    Hugs 

    TTC 1/2010 DH Dx - Azoospermia 2/2011
    Hysteroscopy 3/2011 2 Polyps removed 4/2011
    DH on Clomid / Arimidex to address hormonal issues - Sperm found July 2011!
    IVF #1 September 2011 - ER 9/8/2011- 8R, 5M - icsi - 1 made it to transfer - BFFN :-(
    IVF #2 Lucky November 2011 - ER 11/25/2011 - 15 eggs!, 13 mature, 10 fertilized with isci - 7 made it to transfer! Transferred 1 - 8 cell and 2 - 7 cell. BFP!!!!
    1st U/S - Twins! 2nd U/S - 3 heartbeats!!! - HOLY COW!!!
    Prayers for our take home babies!
    2 babies born on 3/27/12 and lost. Last baby born on 3/29/12 and lost at 20 weeks.
    My angels grew wings shortly after birth.
    Ahava Raisel, Matisyahu Nissim & Zev Chaim - Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
    IVF #3 July 2012 - ER 7/17/2012 - 10 R. 5 F. 4 made it to ET
    Transferred 2 on 7/20/2012 no snow babies :-(
    Beta on 7/31/2012 = BFMFN
    A miracle gift expected to come to us through adoption around 9/2012
    Baby girl adopted - Birth Mother changed her mind and took the baby back
    IVF #4 October 2012 - New RE. Doing PGD Testing. 8 R, 7F, 2 made it to 5 day blast for PDG testing. Both Normal (Thank you G-d!!!) 1 boy and 1 girl
    transferred one beautiful 5day blast (girl)
    Please G-d the almighty one - let this be our take home baby!
    Beta #1 158, Beta #2 318, 1 Absolutely magnificent HB at 175! Thank you G-d!!!
    Baby Girl born August 5th. Thank you G-d for our precious miracle.
    AMA. PAIF & SAIF always welcome - I need all the prayers I can get!

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • Edwina.McDunnoughEdwina.McDunnough
    Low stim IVF is totally not nuts, and some clinics specialize in this method either banking embryos or not. Just keep in mind that a lot of the expense of IVF is the labwork/culturing of embryos, so doing a low stim approach may help maximize each cycle's potential over no stim. I hope you are able to explore this option fully. And don't worry about your posts here. We all know how hard things can get and how important breaks are. Hugs and good luck moving forward.
    +++
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  • mtlaurelmtlaurel
    I'm sorry you're down. I'm also in an in-between place where the only thing I feel certain about is that I am not emotionally ready to throw in the towel, despite what my more rational side says. I don't think low-stim IVF is crazy. Why not look into it further? Even if you decide in the end that it's not right for you, at least you'll know that you really considered it. Good luck.
    TTC #1 since June 2010
    Me: 36, DH: 42
    Dx: DOR and MFI

    DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
    Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal

    IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
    IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
    DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
    DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!

    SAIFW/PAIFW
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  • MrkyrainMrkyrain
    I am sorry and I don't think your thoughts are crazy.  It's totally something I thought about too.  If you can find a clinic willing to give it a try, I would go for it.  At the end, I did get a talk about there being a point when medicine is no longer effective and is doing more harm than good.  The advice was that IVF would be the same amount of effective as trying on our own and hoping for a good egg.  I chose not to listen to this advice and I absolutely believe in trying all option and that each couple has a different idea of when their journey is over.  Hugs and good luck to you.
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  • MandaS08MandaS08 member

    imageEdwina.McDunnough:
    Low stim IVF is totally not nuts, and some clinics specialize in this method either banking embryos or not. Just keep in mind that a lot of the expense of IVF is the labwork/culturing of embryos, so doing a low stim approach may help maximize each cycle's potential over no stim. I hope you are able to explore this option fully. And don't worry about your posts here. We all know how hard things can get and how important breaks are. Hugs and good luck moving forward.

    I totally second all of this!  I heard of several women doing natural IVF or low stim, and don't think its crazy at all.  On clomid I produced 3 follicles, but on max stims I only produced 7....so you never know.

    TTC since 5/2010
    DX with Diminished Ovarian Reserve - AMH of 1.1 - 7/2011; AMH of .42 8/2012    BFP 9/1/10-M/C confirmed 9/8/10-Methotrexate 10/6/10
    IUI #1 (w/clomid)-9/5/11-BFN ; IUI #2 (w/clomid)-10/5/11 - BFP - 11/1/12-No sac seen; 11/2/11 and 11/9/11-Methotrexate 
    IVF #1- ER 2/2; ET 2/5;-Two 8 cell embryos transfered = BFFN
    Surprise BFP - 5/7/12
    U/S on 6/8/12 - H/B at 128 BPM; U/S on 6/14/12 @ 9wks-No H/B-D&C on 6/17/12
    IVF 2.0- ER 10/17; ET 10/20-One 12 cell, one 10 cell and one 8 cell embryo transfered
    BFP!   11/16/12 U/S- Two nuggets with perfect heartbeats! EDD 7/10/13

     

    5/31/2013- My miracles arrived at 34w2d!  Welcome to the world Harper and Nolan!Lilypie First Birthday tickers

    My Blog- http://waitingonaangel.wordpress.com/

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

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  • Mrs.McIrishMrs.McIrish member

    I did low stims for the last two IVFs. I made the same amount of eggs on low stim as I did on high stim. We hoped the quality would be better but it wasn't. But I have seen it work for other ladies so it definitely is not nuts. As Edwina said, there are places that specialize in doing banking cycles or low stim.  The odds are against us with our age. Chances of that one egg being normal are slim. But it does happen to some lucky ladies.

    It's really hard to stop treatment. I am waiting for my mock cycle for DE and I hate waiting, doing nothing. I was actually contemplating a 5th IVF this am while I was waiting but I need to get the mock cycle done because I can officially be matched so I have to do that next week.  Talk about crazy...

    Hugs. I know how you feel.

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days

    imageimage

    SAIF/PAIF Welcome


    http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com

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  • reb259reb259 member
    We are in that place too...not sure if we are done or going to try again.  Just wanted to wish you luck and give big hugs!!
    I am AMA and all tests on H came back normal
    3 failed IVF with OE and 2 failed frozen DE cycles
    Last fresh hail mary DE cycle starting Feb 2013
    PAIF/SAIF always welcome
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  • AnasaraAnasara

    Talk with your RE...you never know!

    ((hugs))

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  • joules12joules12 member
    Nothing to add to all the sage wisdom already provided by PP, but you certainly aren't nuts!  Wishing all the best for you and sending tons of big (((hugs))) your way!
    TTC since honeymoon in 9/2010
    Me: 39, Dx DOR (FSH = 10.5, AMH = 0.43, best AFC = 10), AMA
    MH: 37, Dx Obstructive Azoospermia, multiple successful sperm retrieval procedures

    1/2012: IVF/ICSI #1 Antagonist = cancelled d/t poor response to max stims
    2/2012: IVF/ICSI #2 MDLF (4R, 4M, 1F) = BFP, saw heartbeat, missed m/c 9w0d, D&E
    8/2012: IVF/ICSI #3 EPP/MDLF (7R, 2M, 1F) = BFN

    12/2012: (New RE) Operative hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue

    1/2013: IVF/ICSI #4 Low-dose stim/Antagonist (AFC=6); ER=1/26 (5R-couldn't access rt ovary, 5M, 4F), ET=1/29 (trans 3) = BFP!; 2/11 beta#1(13dp3dt)=2127, 2/13=3367; twin girls due 10/19/13

    PAIF/SAIF very welcome!

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt16bf7d.aspx" alt=" BabyFruit Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
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  • rockpaperloverockpaperlove member
    imageXV11Star:

    Sigh.  I don't mean to bring my crap here especially when I've been really patchy with my support and visiting this board over the last few months.  I just feel so in-between places emotionally and literally not sure what board - if any - I belong on.  No reply needed -- just venting really... 

    I don't have insight to share on a no or low dose protocol, but your thoughts and concerns are not crap.  They are completely valid and we are here for you to support whatever your heart is telling you is best.  I hope you get some answers.

    Keep us posted on what you decide.  Many hugs.  XO

    Countless BFN(s)
    Moving to IVF

    IVF1 (ICSI): Long Lupron
    6R. 3F. 3DT. 8Cell 1Grade 2Embies. 1Frostie.
    Beta 1/22: 14 Beta 1/24: 24 Beta 1/26: 28
    Round One Result: Chemical Pregnancy

    Pressing Forward

    IVF2 (ICSI/AH/ACU): Microdose Lupron Flare
    13R. 11F. 5DT. 2TFR'ed. 1Frostie.
    Round Two Result 4/30: Harsh BFN

    FET. 2TFR'ed.
    Round Three Result 6/25: BFN
    Where do we go from here?

    Moving forward with CCRM in 2013
    ODWU revealed blocked tube(s). Lap 2/15.
    Bilateral Tubal Ligation. Stage IV Endo.
    Finally some (tough) answers.


    IVF3 (ICSI/CCS): Antagonist with EPP
    13R. We have 3 CCS Normal Embryos!


    Lupron Depot: May 2013 to August 2013
    Long awaited FET on 9/3. 2TFR'ed.
    BFP on FRER 5dp5dt: IN SHOCK!
    Beta1 9/10: 152.7! Beta2 9/12: 378! Beta3 9/14: 1224! 

    1st ultrasound 10/1: TWO beautiful heartbeats!  Overjoyed!

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  • Mitzi BishiMitzi Bishi

    Don't feel crazy. I think at this rate so many of us have seriously considered some more creative options to realize parenthood. 

    I hope that you can find some peace in this process and do what you need for yourself.

    There truly isn't enough support for those who are CFNBC and perhaps it's good that there's not a massive demand, but it feels so isolating to fall on the side that needs extra help.  

    And as for your "patchy" support, don't sweat it! It's extremely difficult to attempt to move on, get the support you need, and not continually dwell on IF. We're here for you! (I'm also a "patchy" one, but sometimes you truly have to cut off all things IF to feel "normal".)

    Big hugs! xx 

    (Live in Europe) TTC since 1/2010
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