I held a baby yesterday... — The Bump
TTC after 35

I held a baby yesterday...

Well, I did it. My cousin had a baby last October, I have avoided him since he was born. He is so cute!!! I held him. He felt good in the crook of my elbow and he even laid his head on my chest to snuggle...he smelled so good...

**SHOCKING, I KNOW!!*** No tears, no bitter feelings, my family was even surprised, since I have been a hot mess around babies for the last five years...

**IS SHE ON MOOD STABILIZERS, YOU WONDER??*** No!! Indifferent

Lately, I have been empowering myself to take back control of my life, my feelings, my approach has been to stop making my life revolve around my lack of fertility. I am trying a new approach to life...

I have to say, I have been feeling pretty good. I lost some weight, mentally and physically. It felt good to feel o.k.about being there in the moment and enjoying him...of course I wish he was mine...but not to the point of leaving there sobbing in tears, which was my usual coping mechanism...

It does not mean that I am leaving the joyous land of TTC, after three unsuccessful IUI's, three unsuccessful IVF's and two trials of donor eggs aborted, one in mid-sesh and one just taken away from us without reprieve...I made myself reevaluate my approach to life and decided it was not healthy for me to wrap myself up in what I don't have...and instead take care of me.

I feel pretty good. Not certain how this will pan out once I begin another kit of Lupron with my "blue light special" egg donor (more on that another day...)

As for right now, I just felt like sharing that I made a healthy choice for myself and I have been feeling good, since I usually just pop up here and *** about my sadness and BFN's...

That is all. Thank you! This is one of the best support systems!! I appreciate all of your support and kind words..over the last few years. 

 

 

Re: I held a baby yesterday...

  • Yay for holding the baby w/o crying! Doesn't that feel good? I am getting to the point where I am able to hear about pregnancies w/o crying hysterically and stomping around the house ignoring MH. It's too tiring to be bitter and angry all the time. I do have relapses sometimes but they are less and less.

    I just wish I was like this the last 2 yrs when my good friends were PG because I was NOT nice to be around during those pregnancies. I felt so ashamed for ignoring them but that was how I had to cope. I am glad to hear you are finally taking care of yourself! That's awesome Heather. I wish you all the best on your upcoming cycle whenever that might be. Take care :) 

    ME:46 MH:44 DE IVF 2014
    Met with RE 4/11. 2 IUI's BFN. DE best option. Switched clinics to do "shared" program. Had to retake all tests and a mamm that put me behind and then on a DE waiting list for 12 months. Picked a donor!! (10/13/13) Got matched. Estimated transfer in December. After 2.5 years of patiently waiting I will finally cycle....can hardly believe it. DE cycle got cancelled. One of her tests came back positive.  Waiting for another donor. Donor picked!! (1/18/14)

    DE IVF #1 (4/26) BFN  DE FET #1 (6/4) BFP! Beta 1=339 Beta 2=852 Beta 3=9957 EDD 2/22/15!!


     

     

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  • I'm still in the avoidance stage. Happy that both Heather and Becky are doing better. I wish I could get there.

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days

    imageimage

    SAIF/PAIF Welcome


    http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com

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  • Congratulations on this MAJOR progress!  I am sure it meant a lot to your family too!

     

     

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  • I'm so proud of you for moving forward - I'm not there yet but hope to get there someday and you have just given me some hope - Thank You :)

    Me 38 MH 41 - TTC since June 2010 - dx with Severe MFI. Straight to IVF with ICSI. IVF #1 - ER 06/13/12 - 9 Eggs Retrieved - 4 ICSI'd - only 2 fert. 06/15/12 - 2DT - 3 cell & 6 cell with fragmentation. Beta 06/29/12 - IVF #1 = BFN. 07/20/12 - WTF Appt -Told by our RE to quit IVF. Second Opinion from RE is good. IVF#2 - November 2012. Estradiol Pills Started 11/6. Stims start 11/16. ER 11/26 - 7 eggs retrieved - all mature. 4 fertilized with ICSI. ET 11/29 Transferred 3 embryos. Beta is 12/10. 1st Beta 81 2nd Beta 160 and 3rd beta 360!!! First U/S 12/21/12 - We saw one beautiful gest. sac. 2nd U/S is 01/04/2013 - H/B 183 02/05/13 - NT Scan - everything looks good and IT'S A BOY!  Aiden was born 08/20/2013.

    IVF #2 is in progress.  ER was 05/12/14 - 11 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized with ICSI.  ET was 05/15/14 - we transferred 3 embryos as we did on the cycle my son was conceived.  We were able to freeze 3 embryos. Beta is scheduled for 05/26/14.  1st beta - 111.  2nd beta - 159 didn't double :( 3rd beta Friday 5/30) - not a lot of hope left. Beta # 3 is 247 - probably ectopic.  Beta # 4 is 813 - possibly vanishing multiple sydrome?  06/05/14 - 5w4days - first U/S - we see a gestational sac and yolk - still have hope!  06/17/14 - 7w1day - U/S and saw and heard the heartbeat - Finally!  06/27/14 - 8w4days - Baby and heartbeat look and sound great :)  EDD 02/01/14 and It's a boy!


     "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."


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  • Thank you all so much. Yes, isn't it amazing that something so natural is so challenging when we are all together in this phase of our lives?

    I know how it feels. Special hugs and strength to McIrish. This is a journey that I wish on no one and until someone has lived through this hell, they cannot really imagine what is like. 

    We are all strong and vital. Have a peaceful day. 

  • It sounds like you are doing a great job taking care of yourself, Heather. 

    Hugs to you, Becky, & McIrish!

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  • It's funny how I wrote that I was doing better which I am but today a new baby pic was posted from a friend on fb so I wrote congrats....blah blah blah and started bawling. Guess even if we say we are moving on we will still have those "off" days.

    ME:46 MH:44 DE IVF 2014
    Met with RE 4/11. 2 IUI's BFN. DE best option. Switched clinics to do "shared" program. Had to retake all tests and a mamm that put me behind and then on a DE waiting list for 12 months. Picked a donor!! (10/13/13) Got matched. Estimated transfer in December. After 2.5 years of patiently waiting I will finally cycle....can hardly believe it. DE cycle got cancelled. One of her tests came back positive.  Waiting for another donor. Donor picked!! (1/18/14)

    DE IVF #1 (4/26) BFN  DE FET #1 (6/4) BFP! Beta 1=339 Beta 2=852 Beta 3=9957 EDD 2/22/15!!


     

     

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  • What a wonderful experience to share, and a great step for you.
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