Vets who are now adopting

may2806

I think some IFVers who've moved to adoption still hang out here. If so, can you share your experience of making the switch? I just had my D&C on Friday, but spent the weekend researching adoption agencies and even signed up for an info session for one of them. Is that wrong - am I not "dealing with my grief"? The thing is I feel alternately excited about the possibility of adopting, and crying my eyes out over the fact that I won't be pregnant. I had a (forced) long break before this last cycle, so I had done a lot of thinking about adoption and what our plan would be if this cycle failed. I am really heartbroken because I thought this cycle was a success - just as I was starting to relax it was torn away from me. I spent so much time, so much money, so much energy just to fail. IF beat me. So I obviously am still in pain about that.

But, I can't sit around waiting to grieve. I have grieved so much over the past four years, for my fertility, for my six lost babies, for the genetic child I'll never have. I don't want to spend more time on it by taking another break - I just want a baby now. And one of the main things that scares me about adoption is the wait time. I don't know how to survive another 2 years or more without a child, but I might have no choice. I started looking at international adoption, specifically Russia, because the time was more predictable and the Russia program seemed to move really fast. But I think recently there have been some political issues with the Russia program so I'm not sure how stable it is anymore. And there are other issues that scare me with international - medical/psychological issues, etc.

Ok I'm really rambling. My mind is just all over the place. How did you make the transition? How did you decide what kind of adoption to do? Do you feel like you're done grieving or is it an ongoing process? Do I sound nuts?

kmkaull2

You are not nuts.  ;-)

My backstory is that we did infertility diagnostics 5 years ago, adopted, and now are back doing some rounds of IVF before that door closes forever.  If we have no luck, we will adopt again in a heartbeat.  We would love to have a bio child, but we would also love to adopt.

 Anyway, everyone is different.  I didn't sit around and grieve either.  I'm a planner and wanted to just get on with having a family.  I still have moments of being sad, and pregnancy announcements still sting.  But I have far more peace and happiness these days.

My advice is to talk to others who have adopted.  We really started considering adoption after talking with friends about their experiences.  That helped take away some of the mystery and fear.  Lurk on the adoption board here, and pick up a copy of Adoption for Dummies.  Talk your husband a lot.  Make certain you are on the same page.

As far as selecting the kind of adoption, the biggest issue is do you want to parent a newborn?  We did, so that was the only path we considered.  International Adoption was just too expensive for us.  

Once we started the process of visiting agencies, I felt empowered.  Soon, we felt hopeful and excited.  To give you an idea about a timeline . . .  we started our home study in July, were waiting and being presented to birth moms by November, were picked in March and our baby was born at the end of May.  So things can move quickly!

These days are hard, and I'm sorry for your losses.  If this is where your heart is leading you, GO FOR IT.   Adoption is difficult, and a wild ride.  But there is a prize at the end and it is wonderful. 

lynn0926

~~ticker warning~~

I don't personally have any dealings with this. But, my sister is mid adoption with Russia right now. She, like you, moved very fast with the decision! The day her 3rd IVF failed she called and said we are adopting from Russia. She was instantly at peace with her decision and the happiest she had been in 2 years. She has been in the process since Sept and is due for her match any day now. If you have any questions about Russia at all, I can put you in touch with my sister. She has made a lot of contacts with others who have adopted from Russia and are very happy. Whichever direction you go, I wish you lots of happiness.

missred75

You are definitely not nuts. I think the process of IF helps us process things and grieve for things along the way. DH & I took some time between our IVF #4 and starting the home study process, but it was mostly for him. I was ready to start our home study the day I got my BFN. But, I'm still grieving the loss of a bio kid. I'm not sure that pain will ever completely go away. I will tell you, though.... now that we've moved on, I have hope again. It's still hard to see women who get pregnant without even trying, but I can look at baby stuff and be hopeful again. DH & I are planning the nursery and I'm not thinking "I'm going to jinx it!" I know that with adoption, I WILL get to be a mom someday. It's just a matter of when, not if.

One other thing, the home study process takes a while, so you will have time to process a lot of your feelings during that time.

If you are looking to research adoption agencies, PM me. I have a link for you!

may2806

lynn0926:

~~ticker warning~~

I don't personally have any dealings with this. But, my sister is mid adoption with Russia right now. She, like you, moved very fast with the decision! The day her 3rd IVF failed she called and said we are adopting from Russia. She was instantly at peace with her decision and the happiest she had been in 2 years. She has been in the process since Sept and is due for her match any day now. If you have any questions about Russia at all, I can put you in touch with my sister. She has made a lot of contacts with others who have adopted from Russia and are very happy. Whichever direction you go, I wish you lots of happiness.

That would be great. I'm just in the beginning stages of thinking about this, but it would definitely be good to hear her experience. I think DH is more interested in a newborn than I am; I am more open to a toddler as well. I feel like we'll have 'caught up' to our friends, lol. And I figure we could always adopt a newborn for our second. But Russia can be really expensive - I was wondering if it would actually be just as much as using a GC for our frosties (which I'm not sure what we're going to do with)!

I will PM you my email. 

 

lynn0926

may2806:

lynn0926:

~~ticker warning~~

I don't personally have any dealings with this. But, my sister is mid adoption with Russia right now. She, like you, moved very fast with the decision! The day her 3rd IVF failed she called and said we are adopting from Russia. She was instantly at peace with her decision and the happiest she had been in 2 years. She has been in the process since Sept and is due for her match any day now. If you have any questions about Russia at all, I can put you in touch with my sister. She has made a lot of contacts with others who have adopted from Russia and are very happy. Whichever direction you go, I wish you lots of happiness.

That would be great. I'm just in the beginning stages of thinking about this, but it would definitely be good to hear her experience. I think DH is more interested in a newborn than I am; I am more open to a toddler as well. I feel like we'll have 'caught up' to our friends, lol. And I figure we could always adopt a newborn for our second. But Russia can be really expensive - I was wondering if it would actually be just as much as using a GC for our frosties (which I'm not sure what we're going to do with)!

I will PM you my email. 

 

My sister is in a similar situation. She has 3 on ice, but chose to move forward with adoption because she kept having c/ps. The youngest she will get is 8 months and she chose 16 months for the oldest. In all she will have spent close to $50K due to the travel to Russia. Also, with Russia, there is less wait time for a boy than a girl. There are some heart touching videos on you tube that had me balling my eyes out, showing a young couple bringing their son home from Russia.

mdluv21

Hope it is ok I reply - after we lost Owen and Avery last year I was dead set on adopting and not doing any more treatments or being pregnant.

DH made me wait 6 months before making any decesions, which now is hindsight I am glad I did and as you know we moved forward with using our frosties.

During those 6 months though I spent a lot of time researching adoption and attending seminars.  I also was leaning heavily towards Russia.  A huge factor for us was the DH was dead-set against any type of open adoption.  We could find any agencies here that were completely closed and essentially you were "competing" against other couples who were ok with open adoption.

The Russian adoption was going to cost somewhere between $45-$48k.  They said once we were on board it would move pretty quickly but the youngest baby we would bring home would be 9 or 10 months.  We were ok with that part.  The high number of babies that were born with fetal alchohol syndrome did scare me though.  And as Lynn said, boys were less of a wait than a little girl if that matters to you.

 GL with whatever you decide and I know that all the research helped me during my grieving process.

 

((hugs))

Gregermis

You can still grieve while thinking about the next steps.  It's a good thing because it gives you some hope and happiness along the way.  I've been researching adoption since I lost my twins back in March

Jlynn3

No advice... Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you

(((hugs))) 

PrettyAccountant

Not sure how much help I can be since a situation just jumped at us but adoption is just something DH and I always felt OK with. I can tell you right now it is very bittersweet especially since I haven't even officially gotten my BFFN from this failed IVF cycle and here I am running to another state to meet the birth mother.

You are not nuts - it is very emotional and it is a process that takes time. 

meg_koole

You are totally justified in what you are feeling.  I did a lot of "grieving" that lost dream and I think it is totally ok.  I felt like every step we made in adoption was a move in the right direction and I wasn't dependent on my body or my husbands to make those steps if that makes sense?  The only sucky/IF like part for us has been the waiting and not knowing and our failed match - which I would relate to a miscarriage emotions wise - because it is out of your control.  But just like a miscarriage not everyone has to go through that and I pray for you that you won't have to experience that either....

Overall it has been a good process for us - knowing that SOMEDAY we will be parents, instead of it being up in the air with IF treatments.

Hope that makes sense.  Definitely page me or email me (meg_koole@yahoo.com) if you want some good info on adoption agencies and using facilitators.  There are definitely, same as in IF, things I wish we had known or done differently - so I want to help you not make the same mistakes we did

kekis

I was just finishing a lllooooonnnngggg reply when I lost the page.    (so pissed!)  Here's the short version:

I found a therapist through RESOLVE that specialized in IF counseling.  It was so awesome to see someone that actually experienced what I had.  She also adopted and was able to sort through some of that too.

Hit up the Adoption Board and check out the FAQs.  Everyone on that board is so nice and helpful.  Ask lots of questions - nothing is stupid.  We all have a huge learning curve (just like with IF).

Discuss with your DH what type of adoption is best for your family.  There's foster, foster-to-adopt, agency, private, consultants, lawyer, domestic, international, etc.  The costs vary WIDELY - as in up to tens of thousands of dollars.  Decide the situation that would be best for you - age, siblings, race, drug exposure, disabilities, openness with birth family, etc.  (Looking at an adoption application will help guide some of this.)

Bottom Line: I WILL BE A MOTHER.  My DH will be a father.  We'll be a family!  Biology only creates children but love makes a family.  As our agency owner told me, "Oh honey, adoption is great and not like infertility.  EVERYONE gets/has a baby!"  And we will.  

If you check out my blog, you'll see our journey and there are lots of links to IF & Adoption-related blogs.  Feel free to email me with any questions you may have.  I might not have all the answers, but I'll help you find them and be honest with you!  (kekis26 at gmail dot com)  hth some.  GL!