How much is spent for birthdays/Christmas?

puppylove64

I guess I have a little while before this becomes an issue, but how do you decide how much to spend on kids for birthdays and holidays? Ss is 6 and spents about 40% time with us. Bm isn't married and has no other kids. So ss pretty much gets truckloads of stuff for holidays (and whatever he wants whenever he wants). So now dh and I had our first kid, how should we treat ss and ds? If it is 50/50 than ds doesn't really get as much since his parents are together. I don't want ss treated poorly, but he doesn't need as much and rarely plays with anything we get him while he is over anyway.

Ginlyn0

Gifts are definitely a place I think as close to fair/equal needs to be done. Some people do a certain $$$ per child and some do a certain # of gifts.

Our kids all get the same # of gifts at Christmas. We do a Santa gift, stocking, then one want, one need, one read, one wear and one game (for Xbox or DS or board game). For birthdays, we try to stay around the same dollar amount for each kid.

Anything additional the kids who live with us need are bought throughout the year. DD and my SKs get far more gifts than DS via their other families but we have control over making things equal in our house which shows the kids that they are all equal in our eyes.

CFjo2010

We generally try and stick with a certain $$ amount for each child (although that's getting harder to execute now that my son is 13) for birthdays and Christmas.  However, each child only gets 3 gifts for Christmas from my husband and me, and 3 from Santa (Santa only visits when the kids are with us for Christmas).  Stockings are a little bit different, and are usually just filled with goodies.  We've had a couple problems with K in the past because when she's with BM she gets truckloads of gifts.  But she's coming around now that we've explained the "reason" for the 3 gifts at our home. 

angelamaster1986

While this isnt an issue for us just yet, we anticipate having an equal number of qifts between the children when it comes to christmas and birthdays. We treat our houshold as though it is just ours (as a completed full time family)  regardless of the amount of time SS spends playing with his things and regardless of the amount of things he has at BMs house.

I cant imagine not only raising him as though he wasnt my own, but I would be very unhappy if it were brought up that we should give "our" children a different amount of gifts regardless of its use.  I feel that no matter how we may look at it as adults, a child may see it as they are being treated differently and I wouldnt want SS to ever feel that way.

I feel this will change when we hit the teens. At that age I believe it may become more about buying that one expensive gift that they are asking for. 

I hope thats helpful :-) 

puppylove64

I don't want to skimp on ss so he feels different, my concern is how to treat ds so that he doesn't feel neglected because his parents are together. Ds won't have a christmAs at moms and dads. Also ss usually has 2 birthday parties. Not fair for ds

Ginlyn0

puppylove64:

I don't want to skimp on ss so he feels different, my concern is how to treat ds so that he doesn't feel neglected because his parents are together. Ds won't have a christmAs at moms and dads. Also ss usually has 2 birthday parties. Not fair for ds

How is the fact that SS's parents are divorced unfair to your DS?  Your DS gets to spend his party with both parents while your SS does not which is why he has 2. It's that easy to explain to a child. sorry but it sounds like you are just wanting us to justify why your DS needs more gifts.

CurlyQ284

We will spend the same amount on all three kids.  Like PP said it shows that they are equal in the house.  When LO is super little we plan to get a few fun things and put the rest of his budget in his college fund.

angelamaster1986

gin9874:

puppylove64:

I don't want to skimp on ss so he feels different, my concern is how to treat ds so that he doesn't feel neglected because his parents are together. Ds won't have a christmAs at moms and dads. Also ss usually has 2 birthday parties. Not fair for ds

How is the fact that SS's parents are divorced unfair to your DS?  Your DS gets to spend his party with both parents while your SS does not which is why he has 2. It's that easy to explain to a child.

This- but I also wasnt viewing it as you re-explained after my comment.

I can imagine that every child who hears of or sees another child who "gets more" and "has more" parties, gifts, etc may turn around one day and say "why not me?" or "I want two parties...". ( Which is what I think you are getting to by asking) However, I would also imagine that every child is grateful to have their mom and dad together more than having to deal with being passed among families every holiday and birthday and visitations. You know what I mean? Unless a child is selfish and ungrateful for what he does have that SS doesnt and vis-versa, you shouldnt have an issue when you explain to your LO why SS "has more". They should feel equal in your home and I dont forsee any issues when you explain to your LO why SS has more family outside of your home. :-)

CFjo2010

puppylove64:

I don't want to skimp on ss so he feels different, my concern is how to treat ds so that he doesn't feel neglected because his parents are together. Ds won't have a christmAs at moms and dads. Also ss usually has 2 birthday parties. Not fair for ds

In my blended family we have my 2 kiddos, My husband's daughter (K), and a baby on the way.  The kids are treated equally and receive either the equal amount of gifts, or we spend around the same amount of $$ on them.  Yes, my kiddos receive gifts sent out from their BF and grandparents, and K gets extra presents at BM's, but we don't "care" what happens in other homes because they don't matter per se.  Our house, our rules.  When the new baby arrives, we aren't going to buy the baby extra gifts to compensate for what the other kids get at the other homes.

Instead of looking at the material things associated with holidays, try looking at how emotions are going to play out.  SS is going to feel left out and sad that his baby brother gets to stay with you and Daddy all the time, while he has to go back to BM's.  Your DS is going to be sad to see his big brother go and wonder why he can't stay.  DS is hardly going to feel "neglected" because he only has to stay at one home and not bounce around.

blush64

gin9874:

puppylove64:

I don't want to skimp on ss so he feels different, my concern is how to treat ds so that he doesn't feel neglected because his parents are together. Ds won't have a christmAs at moms and dads. Also ss usually has 2 birthday parties. Not fair for ds

How is the fact that SS's parents are divorced unfair to your DS?  Your DS gets to spend his party with both parents while your SS does not which is why he has 2. It's that easy to explain to a child. sorry but it sounds like you are just wanting us to justify why your DS needs more gifts.

I agree with this.  OP, You are worried about your son feeling neglected but he's the one living with you and his father in a happy intact family while SS only gets to live with his father half the time at most. Your son hasn't had to go through the break up of his parents and I'm sure a few extra presents isn't the same as having both your parents available to you all the time.

wwnbw

We do an equal amount of money for SS 4 and DD 5 and then SS 12 gets a little bigger budget because his stuff costs more. Now with DS I'm sure we will spend less on DS than we do on the other kids. None of my kids go without. My DD never leaves my house and thinks DH is her dad and the present thing has never been an issue. She has asked why she doesn't get two parties but I just explaind to her why and she went on about her day and hasn't broght it up since.

kllrbnny

I'm wondering if the amount of time SK is with you changes things. My SD is nearly 3 and has never lived w/MH (her BF). She is at our house maybe a weekend every other month (MH has a terrible work schedule). She lives in town but spends EOW with MH's parents. She has a couple of toys at our house that are hers and a bed that is hers.

We are living paycheck to paycheck right now or else this wouldn't even be a thought in my mind, but with things kinda tight right now it seems silly to spend the same amount on her for Christmas when the things will just sit and collect dust.

Is my view on this just wacky b/c she isn't my flesh & blood? I adore the little dumpling, but like I said, we hardly see her.

Please set me straight on this!

Ginlyn0

kllrbnny:

I'm wondering if the amount of time SK is with you changes things. My SD is nearly 3 and has never lived w/MH (her BF). She is at our house maybe a weekend every other month (MH has a terrible work schedule). She lives in town but spends EOW with MH's parents. She has a couple of toys at our house that are hers and a bed that is hers.

We are living paycheck to paycheck right now or else this wouldn't even be a thought in my mind, but with things kinda tight right now it seems silly to spend the same amount on her for Christmas when the things will just sit and collect dust.

Is my view on this just wacky b/c she isn't my flesh & blood? I adore the little dumpling, but like I said, we hardly see her.

Please set me straight on this!

Yes, your view is skewed by the situation where your DH's parents spend more time with his child then he does. Your DH hasn't made her a priority therefore you don't view her as a part of your household.

Littlejen22

There are two argument and I do not think either is wrong, or really right for that matter. IMHO I think that the bio-parent should get a little more say in it. To me you can either get them the same or get more for the child that will not get from other family. Also take into consideration if your family will buy equally and if the step-child will keep the stuff from BM at BMs an stuff from you with you. And consider if SK will be with bio-child when openin gifts it would suk for SK if they get two gifts but have to watch their sibling open 15.  Even with two bio-kids you have to determine equal money, equal gifts or both.  If SK is young I would personally give the same amount of gifts even if you spend more on bio-kid. My SD is 16 years older than DS, when she lived with us I spend around the same money and DS got more gifts bc he was a baby - and SD got stuff mailed from BM and her Grandmother and she lived with us 100% so whatever she got stayed at our house. Now that she moved out (was told she could not live here bc she refused any rules) and is 22 and not here when the kids open gifts we probably spend about 66% of what we spend on the little ones, arbitrary amount not a conscience decision. 

fellesferie

puppylove64:

I don't want to skimp on ss so he feels different, my concern is how to treat ds so that he doesn't feel neglected because his parents are together. Ds won't have a christmAs at moms and dads. Also ss usually has 2 birthday parties. Not fair for ds

What kid feels neglected because his parents are together? Are you really arguing that your baby is getting a raw deal because his parents are still together? Is it fair to your SS that his parents split up? Life isn't fair.

Look, DS gets two birthdays/Christmases/Easters/etc. DD doesn't care. Sometimes while DS is with XH and xILs, we'll take her out and buy her a book or a stuffed animal so that when he comes back from their house with new toys, she has something to show him, too. 

lily_721

We spend equal for boys and when/if we have our own, it will be the same.  Although SS1 and SS2 are so much older that we will probably still spend more on them.

Kaeldrasmommy

Littlejen22:

There are two argument and I do not think either is wrong, or really right for that matter. IMHO I think that the bio-parent should get a little more say in it. To me you can either get them the same or get more for the child that will not get from other family. Also take into consideration if your family will buy equally and if the step-child will keep the stuff from BM at BMs an stuff from you with you. And consider if SK will be with bio-child when openin gifts it would suk for SK if they get two gifts but have to watch their sibling open 15.  Even with two bio-kids you have to determine equal money, equal gifts or both.  If SK is young I would personally give the same amount of gifts even if you spend more on bio-kid. My SD is 16 years older than DS, when she lived with us I spend around the same money and DS got more gifts bc he was a baby - and SD got stuff mailed from BM and her Grandmother and she lived with us 100% so whatever she got stayed at our house. Now that she moved out (was told she could not live here bc she refused any rules) and is 22 and not here when the kids open gifts we probably spend about 66% of what we spend on the little ones, arbitrary amount not a conscience decision. 

I think this sums it pretty well. Although I do think that the amount of time spent there does factor in as well.

Littlejen22

jobalchak:

We generally try and stick with a certain $$ amount for each child (although that's getting harder to execute now that my son is 13) for birthdays and Christmas.  However, each child only gets 3 gifts for Christmas from my husband and me, and 3 from Santa (Santa only visits when the kids are with us for Christmas).  Stockings are a little bit different, and are usually just filled with goodies.  We've had a couple problems with K in the past because when she's with BM she gets truckloads of gifts.  But she's coming around now that we've explained the "reason" for the 3 gifts at our home. 

I really like this way of doing it.  

twister22

I will treating DS and LO the same in terms of gifts for birthdays & Christmas. Just because LO will be with us 24/7 and DS will go visit BD and get gifts from him too doesn't mean he should get less from me. I think that's just silly.

Imagine how SS will feel if he comes to your house and the shelf on his room has one shelf of toys, and the shelf on DS's room is overflowing with toys. He will definitely feel that he isn't as important in your eyes. 

ItSparkles17

FI and I have talked about this because he definitely tends to be more of a spender than I am when it comes to buying gifts for his kids. We have decided that we will stick to $x.xx amount per kid and that it is the same amount across the board, so if $200 is spent on his DS then that is the amount that would be spent on the others as well. Now, might that mean that the 8 y/o boy who is into video games might only get 5 gifts whereas the 4 y/o who is into Matchbox cars will get 8? Yeah, it might, but you'll be hard pressed to ever make it completely even amoung kids of different ages and interests, so the equal amount per kid policy seems to be the most fair.

Wahoo

I think it depends on a number of things, including how well your H co-parents with BM and handle the holidays.  For example, as kids get older, they want fewer things - but they are generally more expensive.  I don't know if I would buy a child a bicycle, for example, if I knew he was getting an X-box at his mom's house.  Not because any other children are involved, but because I think one "big ticket" item is enough.  If your H can consult with BM, he might help out with a bigger item, or agree to buy the bigger item every other year and agree on gifts. 

Does Santa make a trip to two different homes for Christmas?  Or does he only stop at the home where SS is staying for that day/night?  That may make a difference, too - - I can see SS having more gifts when he visits your home if he is only there EOY. 

 

 

riabiron

for a kid it is simple math. 2=better then 1. The kid who gets one is going to think at some point that it is not fair. The fact that thier parents are together is not going to enter into the equation.

We agreed with BM that santa only comes once and that helped. the year that we dont have sd christmas morning she gets a few presents from us on christmas eve and vice versa. that has helped. We normally dont have sd on her actual birthday but we do have a birthday party from the family when we have her. she gets a ton of gifts. we have our girls on thier birthdays so they get presents on thier birthdays and then family gifts at the family party. as far as the kids are concerned it is fair. as far as we are concrned it is fair.

Is it fair for a kid to get 2 birthday parties so double the presents thier siblings get? I dont think so but this is how we deal with it.

LoveActually4

I can relate- it is hard when my SKs get more at BMs.  In our situation, it's not a little more, its a lot.  For example, this year I got the kids skipping ropes, puzzles and bubbles for Easter.  BM got them a Disney Cruise.  I am happy for my SKs but I dread the day DS is old enough to explain why he didn't get that and his siblings did.

That being said, I cannot control what BM does and my kids will all have the same amount of gifts at our house. DS will learn some important life lessons because of it and I am sure there will be jealousy but his parents are together and he will see the value of that one day.