Big meltdown, it had been a while. (Rainbow mentioned)

Petunia844

Sorry, I sort of briefly mentioned this on PGAL, but I feel like you ladies will really get it.  On Saturday we took our maternity photos... I knew I wanted to take them because our ones from last time were the only photos I really had of our whole family while Peyton was alive.  The shoot itself went really well, I had a really good time and kept thing how nice it was that I could walk all around and take all these pictures and feel great while doing it.  Then my sister (our photographer) sent me a bunch of them yesterday... the meltdown started gradually.  First I looked and them was totally fine, just teared up a little.  Ten minutes later, I was sitting on my bed holding the frame in our room with a maternity photo on one side and Peyton's feet on the other and just sobbing.  DH found me after a while and came and sat with me. 

I was just so overwhelmed with sadness, longing.... grief.  Some things just make it sink in, make his absence just like it was the day I lost him.  We took those photos with him just about a week before he died.  It just made me scared for Raylan and so so sad for Peyton.  I guess it's expected, especially with my loss milestone just 4 short weeks away that I'm going to have more meltdowns... I don't think I was prepared to feel that much like I did 9 months ago.  Just took the wind out of me.

Heatherhah

I am so so sorry. I fear that will be me in a few short months. I have had some meltdowns and it is hard but nothing will be as hard as getting to my one year mark in 2 months. I expect a ton of metldowns. Huge hugs!! It sucks we have to go through this. Why can't we go back and be naive again!!!

Bayberry12

Oh I'm so sorry.  While I can't even begin to imagine all the feelings you are going through with this new pregnancy, I do know the intensity of this grief, longing and sadness.  Some days it just comes back out of nowhere, and you just need to let it all out, it's still ok to cry...My mom says crying is like a release valve for us.

     

mollywobbles13

I'm sending a great big hug to you!

sebailey6

My husband and my loss is still very new and fresh, but I can still relate (minus being pregnant) We were just talking (and crying) the other day about how just when we think we are ok....we break down. He made the comment "it won't go away"...and I totally agree.

I hate that my husband and I find ourselves here, but the hurt obviously will never completely go away. I know there will be fewer and fewer "moments" eventually, but never completely go away.

Today was my first day back to work (I'm a teacher)...everyone looked at me like I shouldn't be here since it's only been 1 week and 1/2. It has definitely been an emotionally draining day and I miss my husband...we've been together every day since we lost Kalani...so it really hurts me just to be away from him:(

karebear57

I am so sorry.

pottermommy

I sometimes think that as a loss mama we not only grieve for the child we lost but for the happy innocence that we lost along with them.

It is hard to look at yourself doing something right now and be totally unequivicably happy.  Because a peice of you is missing.  It is not wrong to feel this way.  And it does happen, even after you have that long awaited baby in your arms.

Do you remember the post when I gave G his first bath?  How all of a sudden it hit me that that was the last thing Kam did and I wasn't there for her?  God that was a really really bad moment.  A moment that most people squeal about and get excited about and post pictures of and we ended up laying on the floor nursing and both of us hysterical. 

The moments happen, they come and they come and they come, but there will be moments that all of a sudden in that second you are just joyous, that is all.  And you realise that in the midst of what was once rubble you are starting to build your castle back with the remains of the old one.  And that means that you are happy and living and you feel not so hollow and broken but you are using the same old torn up bricks so you can look around and see the seems where you have glued yourself back together...

And that means that you will never forget the reason it all fell apart but you can be happy living in it. 

ally2011

This made me cry.  I am so sorry.  It just comes out of nowhere sometimes and we all completely understand.  Hugs to you.

Jenn 

weddedwife

Pottermommy, you always say it so well!

These moments are hard, hard, hard. It's been quite a while since I had a big breakdown too but with my loss milestone coming up in 3 week I can feel the pressure mounting. It's building up and I am so scared.

The good news is, we have felt these feelings with this intensity before, and we got through it. So I know there is another good day after this next breakdown, we just have to remember that. 

Petunia844

Thank you ladies, you always know what to say.  I know a lot of it has to do with being just 4 weeks away from my milestone.  I hope I feel some small kind of relief after we pass it...but I just don't know.  Good news is... if there is no relief, at that point we're only 4 weeks away from starting to talk about inducing.

HollyBee1022

I'm so sorry.  I hope you get some relief after the loss milestone has passed too.  You're going through so much right now, and while I can't begin to understand it all, I know that it's normal to feel so overwhelmed.  Big hugs as you experience these last few weeks.

nuttycoconut

I'm so sorry you had such a hard day. I just started having meltdowns like that so I can only imagine how much worse it will get as I get close to my loss milestone then again on their angelversary in December. I wish you many happy and calm days leading up to it.