Feeling apethetic this time around. (Sorry long.)
Before the birth of my son I was really hyped up and ready to take on the challenge of giving birth without medication. My DH and I worked together, spent a lot of time talking about it, and while things didn't go according to plan (I had to be induced due to pre-eclampsia) my DH was amazing and incredibly supportive. For the nearly 24 hours of intense back labor before I got the epidural, he was the only one I wanted and he was there.
This time around my DH and I are in a weird place. Things just aren't great and there's very little connection between us. We love each other and we know we're going to make it in the long run, but there are also some serious problems that need to be worked out. It's not going to happen before this baby is born. I don't know how things are going to work during labor. I don't know if we'll just get over all the tension between us because labor is more important, or if things will continue to be awkward.
It's leading me to feel like I just really don't care how this baby comes out. Which in turn leads me to feel guilty because I feel like I SHOULD care how this baby comes out! None of the research has changed because of my relationship status. I still believe a med free birth is the most ideal. I just don't know that I have the energy to deal with it. But shouldn't I? If that's what's best for my baby, should that be what I'm working toward? I feel like I'm starting out as less of a mom to this baby than I was to my son. Not because people who do medicated births are worse moms, but because I feel like I know what's best for my son and just can't bring myself to care.
Support? Kick in the pants? Information? Empathy? I'm open to it all.
Re: Feeling apethetic this time around. (Sorry long.)
When I was pregnant with my first son I didn't want an epidural under any circumstances, I was hardline pro-med-free birth. I ended up pushing forever with him, and had an unplanned c/s (but didn't get an epidural until the c/s was decided on). While I was pregnant with DS2, I was MUCH more open to the possibility of an epidural - if my labor was slow, or if I started getting exhausted, I definitely wanted an epidural.
My point: Sh!it changes. Epidurals aren't some sort of evil thing that will ruin your kid in the long-term, you know? I don't think you should feel guilty about being open to having one.
That being said, my second labor was easier to deal with - I remembered the feeling of contractions and how to get through them, and my body was more efficient, too - it didn't take as long to dilate. So your labor might be quicker, and going med-free might not be very hard to do.
And not to sound like a Natural Birth board clich? - but maybe think about finding a doula or friend/family member who can help you get through labor, too. hth
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
This time around you have a baby to distract you and you are having trouble with your DH. Last time it was all about the baby to come. Both of you were focused on his birth fairly exclusively. (I am assuming that you had a calm pregnancy.) It is different this time in that you have an expectation of what's to come. Before it was all a brand new adventure. This time you know what's to come.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit but what I'm trying to say is take care of yourself and consider having another support person with you. By taking care of yourself, you are taking care of the growing LO. And you know, coming out on the other end with a healthy baby and healthy mom is the goal. There are many routes to it.
You are pregnant and feeling disconnected from your partner.
I would strongly suggest counseling, even though it will not solve everything before birth, it might put you in a much better place as a couple. Or just your inner self. You need a change or perspective and counseling could help. It is not about your partner, it is not about your relationship. It is about your baby and your role as a mother. If you know natural birth is better for both of you, then start looking for ways to prepaire for it without SO's help. Let your inner Amazon mommy to come out and take over if SO does not step up at the last moment.
I know DH and I are not as on the same page as we were with DS#1. We've had troubles in between, worked hard on the relationship and are in a better place now, but still not like it was last time. It is a big downer, but at the end you will have to be there for birth and you can choose to kick butt
My DS has some special needs so our intro to parenthood has been extra rough and definitely took its toll on our marriage. DH and I both admit to being a bit traumatized by the experience and though this pregnancy was planned it did not have the same innocent joy and excitement. I was also jaded that my hopes for a natural birth last time did not happen, my son needed an urgent C/S at 37 weeks and I never even felt a contraction.
I certainly hoped that my HBAC might be a healing bonding experience for us but also knew to expect that would be unrealistic. I followed through with our HBAC plans and also talked about proactively trying to make sure we didn't fall into the same parenting pitfalls with the new baby. Anyhow, the labor and birth was a great bonding experience for us and our relationship is much stronger now. DH really enjoyed that I needed his support during labor and we got to work well as a team. Talk to your DH about what you are feeling, possibly even what the best case scenario would look like. If you don't try you will likely have regrets down the road. Each labor is entirely different too, this one could be much easier. Good luck!