"Lost in the dryer"

CurlyQ284

SD2 is 9 years old. This summer she brought a lovely pair of pj "shorts".  They are black, the top folds down and the fold down part is pink snakeskin print with the word "STAR" written in silver glitter on the back.  Her buttcheeks stick out of them.  We hate the shorts, BM lives with her mom and it's just them and the two girls but her boyfriend stays the night most nights and they are looking for a place together where they will move in with his 4 children, 3 of them are boys in SDs age range.  Would it be wrong if the shorts were "lost in the dryer"?

Ooglybear

CurlyQ284:

 Would it be wrong if the shorts were "lost in the dryer"?

I would not hesitate to dispose of those, but that's really just treating the symptom IMO. Maybe you should talk to her about modesty, since she may soon be living with the opposite sex.

CurlyQ284

We did talk to her, she understands. Its the only piece of clothing we have seen thats like this.  She dresses appropriately the rest of the time.  BM bought her the shorts though ugh...

Ilumine

Eh........

Wahoo

Personally, I think that is sneaky and manipulative.  How would you feel if SD "lost" something that she didn't like that you bought her? 

I see nothing wrong with telling her that you don't want her wearing the shorts when she is with you, and telling her why you don't like them (modesty, the message she is sending out, butt cheeks showing, etc.).  You can also tell her that if she brings the shorts over, you will confiscate them until her next visit. 

DD has friends who wear similar things (SD is also 9/10).  She has already figured out that there are girls whos parents "let them do whatever they want" and that they are the girls who get into trouble, draw other people into trouble, are generally not well thought of.

If you are concerned about SD's boyfriend and his children, then that is a entirely separate issue.  Yes, the shorts may send out a certain message, but a boy is not going to molest her based on one pair of shorts.  If you are concerned about SD being around bf's sons, BF, or any of their friends - consult your lawyer and as for full custody.

FutureMrsWittig

I wouldn't "lose them" only because I don't think that will solve the problem.  I would remind her that you can see her butt every time she wears them.  And if you can, so can everyone else.  Ask her what she would think if she saw someone in the grocery store, on the playground, out at a restaraunt, with their butt hanging out of their bottoms?  And then point out that this is probably what others will think of her, even others living in her home, once it's not just her and Mom anymore.

Littlejen22

All That will do is waste BM's money when she replaces them. You can either have the uncomfortable conversation with stepdaughter about why it is not good to have her butt hanging out or buy her a new pair that Doesn't have her butt hanging out to replace them  

Holly_1007

I don't think I would toss them on her. don't you think BM would be mad when she found out? make it uncomfortable for her to wear them.  make comments about her butt hanging out, her shorts being too short. take a picture of her in them and show it to her etc. 

and I agree with PP, the boyfriend/ boyfriends sons issue needs to be addressed if you and DH aren't comfortable about that situation

twister22

holly71087:

I don't think I would toss them on her. don't you think BM would be mad when she found out? make it uncomfortable for her to wear them.  make comments about her butt hanging out, her shorts being too short. take a picture of her in them and show it to her etc. 

and I agree with PP, the boyfriend/ boyfriends sons issue needs to be addressed if you and DH aren't comfortable about that situation

Don't do that. I would just talk to her about modesty and explain how those shorts really aren't appropriate. Maybe explain how it is especially inappropriate to be wearing them around her mom's boyfriend and sons. 

CurlyQ284

We did have a talk with her, she says she understands etc. We aren't uncomfortable with the boyfriend, DH has known him and his sister since high school. Its just that they haven't ever had guys in the house and DH thought it was inappropriate. We have bought her new clothes this summer including new pjs. BM has tossed out stuff we bought, we don't get furious about it, what can you do at that point? DH is just concerned because he has talked to BM in the past about things he feels are inappropriate but BM says she doesn't want SD to be mad at her, which is strange because SD2 is extremely easygoing.  Her typical reaction is to shrug and say "ok dad". 

 ETA I should clarify, DH will probably tell BM exactly what happened with the shorts if he decides to toss em.   Weve just been joking with SD all summer that they might get lost in the dryer since they are so tiny.   Sorry, I should have said that up front.   

jkacera15

What does her Dad say about them? I would let him say something to her also so maybe that'll make her realize wearing them around dad could be uncomfortable too. You can't control what she'll wear at BM's house but maybe hearing it from her own father could be embarrassing enough to make her realize she shouldn't wear them around any men. i'm pretty sure at that age if my dad said something about my butt hanging out i'd have had some bigger shorts on in a heartbeat! i'm pretty sure at my age now it'd still be that way. lol

kali55

If her buttchecks are falling out I would tell her that they don't fit and why don't you go shopping together to buy a pair that does.  And when she tries on a nice pair of shorts, gush, "now these fit and you look great!  Doesn't it feel better to have a pair of shorts where you don't have to worry about your butt falling out?"

CurlyQ284

These are good ideas guys, thanks! 

riabiron

things have gotten lost at our house. we have gotten new and appropriately fitting items to replace them.

CFjo2010

Pegleg715:

kali55:

If her buttchecks are falling out I would tell her that they don't fit and why don't you go shopping together to buy a pair that does.  And when she tries on a nice pair of shorts, gush, "now these fit and you look great!  Doesn't it feel better to have a pair of shorts where you don't have to worry about your butt falling out?"

I think this is brilliant. Say you have no problem with the shirts only that it seems she is just growing so fast it must be time for a shopping trip. Make it fun and no ones "fault". Maybe even suggest she donate them so someone else can wear them too.  

^^  Perfect. 

lily_721

LOL.  My clothes used to get "lost in laundry" all the time as a teenager.

jkacera15

lily_721:

LOL.  My clothes used to get "lost in laundry" all the time as a teenager.

ha! I'm surprised some of mine didnt. I can recall a couple times though trying to leave the house and having to change clothes first. then my purse being checked by my mother cause she knew my other shirt was in there for me to change into again. moms are so smart....

My SD(6) is already asking me when she can wear a bikini. She wears tankinis at our house that cover her belly. I tell her as she gets older we can talk about it. Her dad tells her when she's 25.     but i don't even feel comfortable buying her some of those little swimsuits they have out for kids. maybe its just the way i was raised but our house, our rules and sometimes i think that's just how it has to be when kids have 2 different homes. in the future they will either respect you for it or completely forget about it.

Kaeldrasmommy

lily_721:

LOL.  My clothes used to get "lost in laundry" all the time as a teenager.

At this point, I wish mine had. I freely tell people that I dressed like a hooker at 14. It's sad that my mother allowed it.

michelle04us

My SD just turned 9 and has come to our place almost every visit with a pair of these "shorty" shorts. Her mother dresses in them so she thinks its ok for her daughter to do the same. We just tell her to go change when she gets here into another pair of shorts and take the other ones til right before she goes home and thats what she wears home. We have the fingertip rule that most schools use. 

Now my mom has been helping to buy some clothes for both kids and tried to tell me the only kind of shorts she can find in SD's size are these kind. I kindly told her if I and anyone else who have bought her shorts can find them longer than she should be able to. I know they are the style these days especially if the child is involved in sports but 9 is just WAY to young. What scares DH about SD is that a sexual offender lives right next door to them and we have found out that there are times when SD has been left at home by herself between BM getting home from work and BM's boyfriend going to work. Not sure why he's a sexual offender but to have her wearing these shorts and living next door to him playing outside with her friends could be a very bad thing.

LoveActually4

 I would go out to buy a robe she can wear over them "for when the boys move in". This way she knows she has to cover up but she won't feel conflicted over you replacing something that BM bought her.