Natural Birth

Perineal massage sort of fail! haha :(

Oh man. Ouch. So DH and I tried to get this done tonight. I can't reach down there with my thumbs. So the first problem was that he wasn't sure where to put his fingers... he couldn't really find the hole! Once we established that, it was clear that he is just too terrified. He's not sure what to do exactly although he has watched videos and read things, but the fact that he's not a vagina owner is kind of a barrier, I think.

The main thing though is that he knows it is verging on painful for me. I can't help but to grunt and wince, and he almost started crying because he just cannot handle the fact that what he's doing is hurting me. Has anyone else had this problem? He's just a really sensitive guy and he kept saying "I'm glad you're not into whips and pain because I'd never be able to do it to you." lmao.

Once he seemed to get the hang of it, we went for about a minute before I told him we could stop and try again tomorrow since he has a better hang of it. He was kneeling on the floor with his head turned away and laying on the bed, I felt horrible because he was so upset about needing to do something to me that hurts! He's very aware of the benefits of it but he just can't get past the "causing me pain" thing. 

We're meeting with our doula this weekend and I'm hoping she has some words of encouragement for him. I guess I could try do it myself some more, but it would be kind of awkward and it'd have to be with my index and middle finger on one hand, since I just can't get both of my hands down there with my baby belly and all the extra fat I have. I really just hope DH warms up to it, or maybe I can get a better handle on my expressions of discomfort so I can just tell him it feels good!

Does anyone have any good resources that may have helped your partner figure this out? I've shown him the basic google results, and there was a video we watched using a ...vaginal dummy (?) but that's it so far. 

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Re: Perineal massage sort of fail! haha :(

  • Tash13Tash13 member
    I never did one perineal massage and didn't tear at all.  I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to get this done.
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  • Perineal massage sucks.  I decided to skip it and take my chances both times.  First kid was a c/s and with my second I had a first degree tear, no stitches.  If it hurts, I say don't do it.  Try kegels and getting some exercise instead--good muscle tone protects the perineum and pelvic floor.  You can also talk to your doctor about spontaneous pushing during delivery instead of directed/valsalva pushing.
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  • Are you using some kind of lubricant (olive oil, coconut oil, astroglide)? If not, I can definitely see how it would hurt a ton, so you might want to add that to the mix. If you are, then just go slow and gentle at the beginning.
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  • imagedrubie:
    Are you using some kind of lubricant (olive oil, coconut oil, astroglide)? If not, I can definitely see how it would hurt a ton, so you might want to add that to the mix. If you are, then just go slow and gentle at the beginning.

    This. Also, choosing not to do it is very valid. There's no proof that it helps at any other time than during pushing. If you want to continue, you might remind your DH that it's a good time to practice breathing and relaxing through the discomfort of those tissues stretching.  It doesn't have to be as serious as you guys are making it.

  • I couldn't find any good studies that showed it actually helped, so I saw no reason to abuse my vagina in advance. IMO, it's as silly as the "toughen up your nipples" advice for breastfeeding.
  • imageTash13:
    I never did one perineal massage and didn't tear at all.  I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to get this done.

    I second this; AND had a 9lbs 9oz baby; AND she was my first; AND her shoulders were stuck a little. I think it helped that I was completely calm, and my midwife was liberal with the lube and turned her sideways after her head was out.

    Don't worry about it too much!

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