Dealing with other pregnancies....

linzeeh80

So while I was pregnant 2 of my husbands cousins and my sister were also expecting, one cousin gave birth in April and the other cousin and my sister are due in the next 3 weeks. How do you deal with this? I want to be happy for them, especially my sister but it is so hard. I feel angry and jealous that they are going through what I want more than anything in the world and I feel guilty that I feel that way but I can't help it. Especially my sister. I want to be happy and excited to meet my niece in 3 weeks but at this point I don't even know if I can see the baby. I haven't even been able to see my sister since I lost my son and it's been 2 months today. It's too painful to see her pregnant. I'm so afraid that I am going to miss out on such an important part of her life. I don't know what to do. I already missed out on her baby shower because it was 2 weeks after I lost my son and I didn't want to ruin her day because I knew I would get upset. I know she understands but I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's so frustrating. Any advice??

ToddsPrincess

I don't have any advice to give you yet but wanted to let you know i'm dealing with the same thing just without the understanding factor from my sister.

My sister told DH and I 3 weeks after we lost our sons that her and her husband were expecting.  I emotionally lost it in front of them.  She wrote me an email asking me to understand where she's coming from and I should be excited for them.  The tone of her email (which I know I'm probably reading into because the fact that it was an email) was "it's been 3 weeks already..time to move on".

All i can say...is she kidding?  She expects me to be excited and to be in her shoes?  Its obvious to me she's only thinking about her feelings first.  I haven't seen or talked to her since because I too feel the anger and jealousy.  I think those feelings are completely normal.  I also feel those same feelings towards people who have the nerve to complain about things their children do.

I responded to her that this was going to take time and they both needed to be patient with us.   

linzeeh80

I'm so sorry you are going through that I am very lucky to have an understanding sister but it's not understanding enough in a way because she doesn't understand what it's like to lose a baby.... you can't unless you go through it. As weird as it may sound, I still don't understand it myself and it's been 2 months. It still doesn't seem real, I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from a horrible nightmare. It's amazing how quickly people think you should get over it. I had one co-worker ask me. Why are you so sad? Do you miss "it"? It's not like "it" was a real baby, "it" had no soul. I just stood there speechless. How could she even have the nerve to say that to me?? This is my baby, he was alive inside of me. It doesn't matter if he experienced life outside of my womb, he still lived and was healthy and active for 4 months, I gave birth to him, he was named, put to rest and loved beyond words by my husband and myself, he is our first child. How could someone say that?? People are so thoughtless.

I know what you mean about people that complain about their children etc. The other day I was at a fair and I saw a mother yelling at her child and she angrily threw her child's shoes directly at her and hit her with them. The girl couldn't have been more than 4 years old. It made me sick to my stomach that a mother could treat her child like that, she should be counting her blessings and be thankful that she has her.

 

Heatherhah

I have had to deal with other pregnancies since honestly the day we lost our DD.DH has 2 cousins and our SIL.  My BIL and SIL decided at the hospital that they wanted to try for a baby while we waited for me to have my c section to deliver my DD that had died about 12 hours earlier. Well they got pregnant literally 2 weeks later and on our one month angelversary she had a positive pregnancy test. That was hard to handle the whole pregnancy was tough. She ended up having a healthy baby girl almost 9 months later from the death of our Sydney. While it is tough to deal with that I had to think to myself that it isn't the babies fault that my Sydney died. Those babies are gifts and if they are lucky enough to make it home with their parents then they are so lucky to have them.

Now mind you I am almost 10 months out from my loss and I wasn't so understanding at all. My SIL has said and done some inappropriate things during her pregnancy in regards to me grieving my baby girl. She truly sucks and has terrible people skills but I consider the source and I see her baby girl (my neice) as a gift from my DD. She sent her to maybe make me see that our lives will get better in time. I had issue with almost all the pregnant woman I saw early one. It will get easier but it won't for a bit. Be patient with yourselves and try not to over think. Don't go to baby showers I did that too and no one wants to be around the crying girl who has a dead baby it just plain sucks. Stay away and protect your heart when you can. It's okay not to be there for others when you are grieiving and if they don't understand than oh well they aren't important to you. People who haven't lost babies have no idea the Helll we go through daily!! 

Hug hugs ladies you are not alone!!!!

Heather

weddedwife

Someone actually said "It has no soul?"! That makes me want to vomit. That person would've had such an earful from me- I probably would've said some really hateful things.

I won't lie, it's going to be very hard to be around these babies. It took 2 months after my good friend had her son for me to work up the courage to see her. Another friend's baby is 3 months old and I still haven't seen her yet. I think it's all in the person's attitude; if they are understanding that you may need time and are ok with you breaking down when you see their baby, then it somehow makes it easier. If they aren't understanding then it makes it harder, and I suggest you not even be around those people.

I don't want to feel like this either but it won't happen overnight, its going to take time and it's probably going to suck in the meantime. I wish there was an easier way but unfortunately we've just got to walk through this. It stinks.

But you can come here and vent about it anytime because we all "get it"! 

meggiepoo87

*Big Hugs*

I'm so sorry to all the ladies dealing with crappy people. I hate how rude some people can be in these situations. I lost my newborn daughter to an infection following surgery two years this Friday.

My daughter was born with a rare heart defect that required several surgeries over her first three years and extended hospital stays. The day after she was born, we had a meeting with doctors to discuss her care. My BIL and SIL had the nerve to sit there and talk about having another baby. They can't take care of the three they've got. Yet, they are inconsiderate enough to say that **** in front of us while we're just hoping and praying our baby doesn't die. Well, she did and I hate them to this day.

I'm sorry for all of your losses. This is a club nobody wants to be part of. It's been two years and a rainbow baby later but some days it feels like it was yesterday.  

ally2011

linzeeh80:

I'm so sorry you are going through that I am very lucky to have an understanding sister but it's not understanding enough in a way because she doesn't understand what it's like to lose a baby.... you can't unless you go through it. As weird as it may sound, I still don't understand it myself and it's been 2 months. It still doesn't seem real, I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from a horrible nightmare. It's amazing how quickly people think you should get over it. I had one co-worker ask me. Why are you so sad? Do you miss "it"? It's not like "it" was a real baby, "it" had no soul. I just stood there speechless. How could she even have the nerve to say that to me?? This is my baby, he was alive inside of me. It doesn't matter if he experienced life outside of my womb, he still lived and was healthy and active for 4 months, I gave birth to him, he was named, put to rest and loved beyond words by my husband and myself, he is our first child. How could someone say that?? People are so thoughtless.

I know what you mean about people that complain about their children etc. The other day I was at a fair and I saw a mother yelling at her child and she angrily threw her child's shoes directly at her and hit her with them. The girl couldn't have been more than 4 years old. It made me sick to my stomach that a mother could treat her child like that, she should be counting her blessings and be thankful that she has her.

 

I would have lost it on your co-worker and that mother. Just awful.  I am so sorry.

OP - my best advice was be patient with yourself and if you feel like it is too much, just don't do it...whatever "it" is (holding baby, looking at pictures, etc.)  I was unable to go to one of my best friend's baby showers in January because we had just gotten some bad news and I just could not do it.  She is a very good friend and told me that if it were reversed she knew it would not be healthy for her to be at mine and she completely understood.

Take it slow and realize that there will come a day when you will be able to be around babies again....but if it is not right now, that is totally ok.

Hugs,

Jenn