Issues with BM

francophonia

We adopted DD as a newborn and agreed to have an open adoption. She gets visits biannually and frequent updates. We want DD's BM in her life, but she's been a handful.

For the first few months of DD's life, she was really clingy and pushy.  She demanded more visitations and called frequently. She got very nosy and didn't have any idea of privacy. She would look us up online, sometimes she'd call us asking about something she read on google. She'd call and ask for an unscheduled visit that day or the next day. We tried explaining that we have a right to our privacy and that we have lives and schedules and she couldn't just drop in whenever she wanted. When I said that she got paranoid that we wanted to close the adoption.

When DD was  4 months old she was diagnosed with sensorineural hearing loss. After the diagnosis our BM fell off the face of the planet. She was out of contact for months, and missed her first scheduled visit. She got back into contact when DD was about 9 or 10 months old. She's had 2 visits since then and both of them had her in tears. We've always adhered to the agreement, even when she's wanted to change it.

Apparently she recently got back together with her baby daddy and now she's asking if he can come to the 2 year visit. Normally I would be glad to have my DDs BF there, but  this isn't really the type of person I want around my child. He's a big partier, drinks a lot, and was abusive toward her. He was never a part of any of the adoption process or agreement. I don't know how we can tell her we don't want him there while still remaining sensitive to her feelings. In fact, I don't even know what to do with this whole situation.

IRR

Sorry you are having issues with the BM.  Is there a social worker you can talk to about this and the best way to handle?  Have you met the BF?  How do you know he is still a big partier?  I may agree for both of them to visit but if anything doesn't seem right, cut the visit short and then explain to the BM what your feelings are, but not sure I would just rule out the visit unless you have concrete evidence that the visit will be disruptive with his presence.  GL.

Patches08

Wow. That is a handful. I don't really have any advice, but I would be fairly certain it would cause BM much heartache and most likely put her between a rock and a hard place with BF if she was allowed to go & BF isn't... However, just because he wasn't part of the adoption process doesn't mean he wouldn't be a good BF now. Maybe try the visit out with BM and BF as a 'test', don't set expectations other then having DD meet and maybe have a photo with her BF and go from there. If it makes you uncomfortable during then politely cut the visit short and make an exit and explain to BM that at this point you're only comfortable with her at visits.. Then at least you gave it a try. But I'm a forgiving, second chance kind of person and sometimes that gets in the way of common sense. Good luck however you choose to handle this situation.

firecracker8

That is really tough! Would it be possible for you, DH, BM and BF to get together before adding your DD to the mix? That way you could get a feel for where BF is in his life beforehand. Also, if you have any concerns, you could address them with BP's prior to then being with DD. 

My thought is always that I don't want my DS to grow up and feel like we kept him away from his BPs if they want to have a relationship with him. However, if it is not safe or it could be at all harmful to your child, then I think you need to trust your gut..... 

francophonia

Thank you so much everyone. I'm really struggling with this decision. Part of me just wants to keep my sweet innocent daughter from any harm and heartbreak, but the more logical side of me realizes that that is a little overprotective, and that keeping BF away without a chance could breed resentment is both DD and BM, and I definitely don't want to do that. But I still have huge concerns about him. And only 2 months to make a decision. Yipes!

Dr.Loretta

I'd try to see things from her POV.

She made an adoption plan for her child, which is a huge emotional time. There are a lot of BMs who want more contact early on because they want to make sure they made the right decision--about placement, about the parents they chose, about the choice they made. And when she wanted to keep in touch more (albeit in an inappropriate way), she felt snubbed.

Then there's a medical diagnosis, which can cause a lot of guilt. Add the emotional turmoil of adoption, and I can see her shutting down or taking time to deal with everything. And in the grand scheme of things, 5 months isn't that long.

Now she's spending time with the father of her child, and wants him to have some sort of relationship with her. So she wants to start by introducing them at your annual meeting.

I'd strongly suggest you talk to a counselor or SW and get their feedback on how to deal with things going forward. It sounds like you guys need to improve your communication in general so expectations are set and no one feels pressured one way or another. Yes, your DD is your greatest priority. If you feel that meeting her BF is going to be a danger to her, you have every right to say no. But sometimes you just have to have these hard conversations.

francophonia

Thanks, I really want to understand her perspective but it gets hard to keep my own emotions from getting caught up in everything. I really want DD to have a positive relationship with her BM, she's a really good kid with a lot of potential, and it's heartbreaking to see her struggle. I know DD won't remember her missing her first visit, but it was very hard for us, because we were unsure as to if she was going to be in the picture anymore, and we wanted DD to know where she came from and have a good, healthy relationship with her BM. It's just hard to watch her making bad decisions because she's just so sweet and intelligent, and we do care a great deal about her.