Bad news about donor... where do we go from here?

francophonia

My wife and I have two beautiful children, and would love to add a fourth to our family. DD we adopted, and DS we conceived with a donor at home.Our donor is actually an ex-boyfriend of mine (long story there), at my wife's suggestion. We're still best friends, and he was thrilled to be our donor the first time around. When Tam and I decided to conceive again, I called him up and asked him if he would give us his sperm again. He was thrilled for us and said he would love to, but unfortunately he can't. Turns out he caught HPV a year ago, rendering him useless as a sperm donor.

 Now I feel like I'm completely out to sea. I have no idea what to do. I don't like the idea of IVF. I'm generally not a fan of doctors and it's so invasive. I would much rather conceive at home. Now, we actually created DS the old-fashioned way with our donor, so I have no idea what to do. I don't know if the turkey-baster thing still flies, but I know other lesbian couples have conceived at home with kits, but I know nothing about them. In fact, I feel like I know nothing about my options.

 Could someone please give me some sort of breakdown of my options? I don't know where to get a donor. I really like that DS has a biodad he can actually have a relationship with, and DD has a biomom she can have a relationship with, and I'd like our 3rd child to have some sort of tangible sense of where he or she comes from. Does anyone have any advice?

PrimRoseMama

Hmm, wow. Well, do you have any other males that you know well enough to have sex with you or your partner? I have to be honest that most men that I know would not want to embark on a venture like that without some sort of legal insurance against having to pay child support etc.

Its is fraught with legal issues, really.

The best thing you can do is look into a sperm donor bank and do an IUI that way. I know you would rather just have intercourse to achieve what you want. However, there are some banks that give the donors the option to be contacted if you choose. You can also choose other features, background check, you name it. 

hjk5000

francophonia:

My wife and I have two beautiful children, and would love to add a fourth to our family. DD we adopted, and DS we conceived with a donor at home.Our donor is actually an ex-boyfriend of mine (long story there), at my wife's suggestion. We're still best friends, and he was thrilled to be our donor the first time around. When Tam and I decided to conceive again, I called him up and asked him if he would give us his sperm again. He was thrilled for us and said he would love to, but unfortunately he can't. Turns out he caught HPV a year ago, rendering him useless as a sperm donor.

 Now I feel like I'm completely out to sea. I have no idea what to do. I don't like the idea of IVF. I'm generally not a fan of doctors and it's so invasive. I would much rather conceive at home. Now, we actually created DS the old-fashioned way with our donor, so I have no idea what to do. I don't know if the turkey-baster thing still flies, but I know other lesbian couples have conceived at home with kits, but I know nothing about them. In fact, I feel like I know nothing about my options.

 Could someone please give me some sort of breakdown of my options? I don't know where to get a donor. I really like that DS has a biodad he can actually have a relationship with, and DD has a biomom she can have a relationship with, and I'd like our 3rd child to have some sort of tangible sense of where he or she comes from. Does anyone have any advice?

Wait wait wait.....so you had sex w/your ex boyfriend to make a baby while married... but you think going to a sperm bank is invasive?  That just seems.... yeh.

On the the bio dad thing, I'm fairly sure some banks have donors who are willing to be contacted by any children they might have, but I think it's when the child is 18.  Good luck.

jeffsjayme

For reals?  You want to find a man that your wife can have sex with to get pregnant?

And you know real life couples who have used kits, but come on here to get advice from women who are most likely not in that situation?

Please be MUD.

 

rbtrumpet

As far as I know, there is one lesbian couple that posts (infrequently) on this board that has used donor sperm/kits, but most women here are not in that situation.  

 There is a LGBT board (boards to the left) that might be able to give more information.  

Sorry, I am not too familiar with this particular situation. 

arobert123

::points to LGBT Parenting board::

mypalbabs

Come over to the LGBT board.  There are quite a few of us who are doing at-home insemination with donor sperm.  We'll walk you through your options.

 It's a pretty judgement-free board, so you're less likely to get flack for how you've grown your family so far.

duffmaker

Head over to the LGBT Parenting board... I know 2 lesbian couples but so far their only children are dogs.

GL though!

sueann911

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say welcome. I hope the LGBT board can help. Good luck!

trebeksucks

Just so you know, HPV sometimes goes away.  The body fights it, just like any other virus.  And something ridiculous like 50% - 70% of sexually active people have been exposed to it. 

hjk5000

mypalbabs:

Come over to the LGBT board.  There are quite a few of us who are doing at-home insemination with donor sperm.  We'll walk you through your options.

 It's a pretty judgement-free board, so you're less likely to get flack for how you've grown your family so far.

Just for the sake of saying it, TTGP gets some crazy MUD. I can totally see where the OP is coming from except for that one paragraph. It threw up some red flags for me.

OP hopefully you can find a solution that works for you. The only lesbian couple I know IRL with a child used donor sperm and IUI. GL again.

jeffsjayme

talon1226:

jeffsjayme:

For reals?  You want to find a man that your wife can have sex with to get pregnant?

And you know real life couples who have used kits, but come on here to get advice from women who are most likely not in that situation?

Please be MUD.

That is a really rude and judgemental comment.

OP, I don't really have an answer for your question but I hope you find some answers and good luck. 

How so?  Not judging the fact that they're lesbians.  Confused on why they're on a TTC board when they want a male to have sex with to get pregnant when they know lesbian couples in real life that have been through this.  That's why I suspect MUD...not cause they're lesbians, but because they have real life people that they can talk to and instead pick an internet board of strangers to seek advice from that probably aren't anywhere near their situation.

BlueEyedDreamer

I'm sorry a few of the people in this thread are being judgmental and rude.

I'm sorry you are struggling with options. I'm sure the LGBT board can give you some insight. Welcome to the board and good luck to you!

angelsnight

francophonia:

My wife and I have two beautiful children, and would love to add a fourth to our family. DD we adopted, and DS we conceived with a donor at home.Our donor is actually an ex-boyfriend of mine (long story there), at my wife's suggestion. We're still best friends, and he was thrilled to be our donor the first time around. When Tam and I decided to conceive again, I called him up and asked him if he would give us his sperm again. He was thrilled for us and said he would love to, but unfortunately he can't. Turns out he caught HPV a year ago, rendering him useless as a sperm donor.

 Now I feel like I'm completely out to sea. I have no idea what to do. I don't like the idea of IVF. I'm generally not a fan of doctors and it's so invasive. I would much rather conceive at home. Now, we actually created DS the old-fashioned way with our donor, so I have no idea what to do. I don't know if the turkey-baster thing still flies, but I know other lesbian couples have conceived at home with kits, but I know nothing about them. In fact, I feel like I know nothing about my options.

 Could someone please give me some sort of breakdown of my options? I don't know where to get a donor. I really like that DS has a biodad he can actually have a relationship with, and DD has a biomom she can have a relationship with, and I'd like our 3rd child to have some sort of tangible sense of where he or she comes from. Does anyone have any advice?

Not entirely relevant to your question, but how does he know he has HPV?  Did he sleep with someone who he knows for certain has it?  Most men do not exhibit any signs or symptoms (except some strains have warts) and there is no test for detecting HPV in men.

edit: I've never done this, but I'm thinking MUD.  Either that or the OPs friend made up the story about HPV because he didn't want to be a donor again (sorry if that's the case, just thought you should know it would be unlikely for him to know he has HPV unless he has warts).  I also find it a bit odd to post this on a board where likely 90% or more of the members aren't educated on this subject.  It's the internet, there has got to be some easily searchable LGTB groups such as the very one on TB that would have made more sense.

If this is indeed not MUD, good luck OP in finding your answers.

BlueEyedDreamer

jeffsjayme:

talon1226:

jeffsjayme:

For reals?  You want to find a man that your wife can have sex with to get pregnant?

And you know real life couples who have used kits, but come on here to get advice from women who are most likely not in that situation?

Please be MUD.

That is a really rude and judgemental comment.

OP, I don't really have an answer for your question but I hope you find some answers and good luck. 

How so?  Not judging the fact that they're lesbians.  Confused on why they're on a TTC board when they want a male to have sex with to get pregnant when they know lesbian couples in real life that have been through this.  That's why I suspect MUD...not cause they're lesbians, but because they have real life people that they can talk to and instead pick an internet board of strangers to seek advice from that probably aren't anywhere near their situation.

Jeffs, do you know people IRL who have conceived a child? Then why don't you talk to them instead of us?

OtterPop1

I'm surprised by some of the responses in this thread.

OP, I don't have any advice but wanted to say welcome and wish you good luck!

angelsnight

jeffsjayme:

talon1226:

jeffsjayme:

For reals?  You want to find a man that your wife can have sex with to get pregnant?

And you know real life couples who have used kits, but come on here to get advice from women who are most likely not in that situation?

Please be MUD.

That is a really rude and judgemental comment.

OP, I don't really have an answer for your question but I hope you find some answers and good luck. 

How so?  Not judging the fact that they're lesbians.  Confused on why they're on a TTC board when they want a male to have sex with to get pregnant when they know lesbian couples in real life that have been through this.  That's why I suspect MUD...not cause they're lesbians, but because they have real life people that they can talk to and instead pick an internet board of strangers to seek advice from that probably aren't anywhere near their situation.

I don't think Jeffs was being rude.   Let's be real, if a straight monogamous (I am assuming the OP and her wife are in a monogamous relationship outside of when TTC, but I could be wrong) married couple posted here about wanting to find a sperm donor because of male infertility, but were inquiring about wanting to enlist the help of another male to have sex with the woman to get her pregnant, it would get more than just a few comments suspecting MUD. 

Jeffs wasn't judging them because they are lesbians or because they are seeking a sperm donor, but hearing of seeking extramarital sex in order to get pregnant is unusual and I find it hard to believe the OP would expect to post that on a message board and not get a few raised eyebrows or two.  I wouldn't even say she was judging them for that, just more shocked I think.  People post MUD threads all the time to stir up crap, maybe this is MUD maybe it isn't but when MUD is suspect there is usually much harsher mud slinging (pardon the pun) than in this thread.

jeffsjayme

BlueEyedDreamer:

jeffsjayme:

talon1226:

jeffsjayme:

For reals?  You want to find a man that your wife can have sex with to get pregnant?

And you know real life couples who have used kits, but come on here to get advice from women who are most likely not in that situation?

Please be MUD.

That is a really rude and judgemental comment.

OP, I don't really have an answer for your question but I hope you find some answers and good luck. 

How so?  Not judging the fact that they're lesbians.  Confused on why they're on a TTC board when they want a male to have sex with to get pregnant when they know lesbian couples in real life that have been through this.  That's why I suspect MUD...not cause they're lesbians, but because they have real life people that they can talk to and instead pick an internet board of strangers to seek advice from that probably aren't anywhere near their situation.

Jeffs, do you know people IRL who have conceived a child? Then why don't you talk to them instead of us?

It wasn't my intent to be rude nor judgemental.  But you have to admit that they have a very specific situation.  That they are asking a board about - a board that isn't related to their situation.  When they said that they do have real life people who have been in that situation.  That's why I'm suspecting MUD.  Not because their situation is out there (which it is - you gotta admit this isn't common), but because they've posted in a place that is not related to their issue.

PrimRoseMama

The more I think about this thread the more I think that your DS bio-dad could be treated for HPV, and you could use his sperm again. That is an option.

As far as the judgement is concerned-- TTGP does get a LOT of crazy people posting far out stuff. However, I don't feel like the majority of the responses were judgmental at all.  I could give a shits if they are lesbians, really. I just think finding a man that would agree to terms like that would be difficult. I hope I'm wrong. 

Anyway, good luck Franco!

bakekiwi

The ol' extramarital thing still has me questioning. Mud sounds about right. 

hoomin

francophonia:

My wife and I have two beautiful children, and would love to add a fourth to our family. DD we adopted, and DS we conceived with a donor at home.Our donor is actually an ex-boyfriend of mine (long story there), at my wife's suggestion. We're still best friends, and he was thrilled to be our donor the first time around. When Tam and I decided to conceive again, I called him up and asked him if he would give us his sperm again. He was thrilled for us and said he would love to, but unfortunately he can't. Turns out he caught HPV a year ago, rendering him useless as a sperm donor.

 Now I feel like I'm completely out to sea. I have no idea what to do. I don't like the idea of IVF. I'm generally not a fan of doctors and it's so invasive. I would much rather conceive at home. Now, we actually created DS the old-fashioned way with our donor, so I have no idea what to do. I don't know if the turkey-baster thing still flies, but I know other lesbian couples have conceived at home with kits, but I know nothing about them. In fact, I feel like I know nothing about my options.

 Could someone please give me some sort of breakdown of my options? I don't know where to get a donor. I really like that DS has a biodad he can actually have a relationship with, and DD has a biomom she can have a relationship with, and I'd like our 3rd child to have some sort of tangible sense of where he or she comes from. Does anyone have any advice?

1. I'm confused when you say "add a fourth" and you have two kids - typo?

2. Old-fashioned way??? Really??? And just how many times did the sexual act have to happen for your wife to KU? WOW, just WOW!

ball.and.chain

bakekiwi:

The ol' extramarital thing still has me questioning. Mud sounds about right. 

And just in case anyone is wondering, the ol' extramarital thing as a means to get pregnant is, in my experience, NOT common in the lesbian community either.  Not that it doesn't happen, but most women I know/know of use either anonymous, ID-release or known-donor sperm plus at-home insemination (NOT with a turkey baster!) or IUI with a doctor (often RE) or midwife.  Every couple is different, though.

ETA: Assuming OP is not MUD, she will definitely get more help from the LGBT board.

francophonia

I'm surprised by all the judgement here. I feel like I need to clear a few things up.

 

1) I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN. I want a man to give me his sperm. The only reason I felt comfortable with the old-fashioned way with that donor is because we are extremely close. I had known him for 8 years, she had known him for longer. Our previous relationship had ended on very good terms. I know our situation is not typical. But just because it's not what you might consider "normal" in your limited view of what relationships and families are doesn't mean it's what is right for our family. He is the only man that my wife and I would feel comfortable doing that with, which is why we are now looking into OTHER forms of conception. Neither I nor my wife would feel comfortable doing that with any other donor.

2) My wife is infertile, so I am the only viable carrier in our house.

3) My family unit is amazing. My son has a great relationship with his biodad even though he still knows we're his mamas. He's extremely confident and secure. My wife and I have a very strong relationship, we're extremely open and honest with each other, and we were very clear and open in our communication throughout the entire process.

4) My wife and I have always been monogamous outside of babymaking. Though this isn't common, it still happens in the real world. Just because it's not something you would do doesn't mean it's fictional. If someone had posted in thenest about having a threesome, most people would probably not react so harshly, even though our situation is far less complicated.

5) I do not want to go through a sperm bank or IVF because it's financially and legally invasive. It also carries a great deal of physical side effects and risks.

6) There really isn't a board for this specific thing, so I went with the board I thought would be the best fit.I do not have a lot of people IRL who I can talk to about this, and I was hoping that someone might have some experience with artificial insemination. Doesn't seem to much of a stretch, seeing as I was looking for advice on methods of conception rather than judgement on my family unit.

7) As far as donor's HPV goes, he was diagnosed last year because one of the women he slept with tested positive and contacted all her sexual partners. People do that, you know? He does have genital warts that his doctor confirmed.

ball.and.chain

francophonia:

5) I do not want to go through a sperm bank or IVF because it's financially and legally invasive. It also carries a great deal of physical side effects and risks.

6) There really isn't a board for this specific thing, so I went with the board I thought would be the best fit.I do not have a lot of people IRL who I can talk to about this, and I was hoping that someone might have some experience with artificial insemination. Doesn't seem to much of a stretch, seeing as I was looking for advice on methods of conception rather than judgement on my family unit.

The use of a sperm bank is not legally invasive.  I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this.  It IS expensive.  I pay over $700 per vial (one vial per cycle) plus about $100 shipping.

You can use a sperm bank and still do at-home inseminations, or you can do IUIs with a doctor or midwife.  IVF is invasive but it is something you would most likely not do until trying quite a few IUIs without success.

Actually, the LGBT Parenting board is the perfect board for this.  It may not be clear because it's called "LGBT Parenting" and not "LGBT TTC" or whatever, but it is a mix of LGBT parents, LGBT folks who are actively trying to become pregnant, and LGBT folks who are just thinking about it or sort of in the planning stages.  Because almost everyone there had to use a donor of some sort, the women there are a great resource for all things donor-related.  There are women there who have used known donors and women who have -used anonymous and/or ID-release donors from banks.  They will happily give you feedback and discuss their experiences with you.

Good luck!

OneHotMama89

Sorry, OP. I really have no idea what your options might be, but I hope the LGBT board is able to help you out. I just wanted to say good luck! Also, I wanted to mention that I personally find nothing weird about your situation or how you conceived/adopted your current children. There are all kinds of ways to create a family.

LnR70707

Well, after reading all the responses, including your own OP, I commend you for being able go beyond the normal realm of your relationship to start your family.  But on that same note....what you have done is emotionally stressful and trying....donor sperm via IUI or IVF will also be physically trying.  As someone who has gone the IVF route with success, I strongly suggest sitting down with a doctor and at least discussing your options.  Compared to the rest of my TTC journey, stimming for IVF was a spit in the bucket.  Keep an open mind.

angelsnight

francophonia:

7) As far as donor's HPV goes, he was diagnosed last year because one of the women he slept with tested positive and contacted all her sexual partners. People do that, you know? He does have genital warts that his doctor confirmed.

To be fair I did include that caveat in my question...asking if he knows because he slept with someone who knows for certain has it, and/or if he has genital warts.  You answered, thank you.  It's just something most people don't know off hand (that there is no test for men) so it tipped me off that either this could be MUD (which it doesn't appear to be given your reply) or that the friend possibly made it up as an excuse.

I'm sorry you feel judged, but if you knew the dynamics of this board snark flies pretty easily around here, so it's not like your situation was unique to people reacting the way they did, it happens a lot here and like we've said, many people make up unbelievable sounding stuff just to rile people up which is why many of us assumed MUD.  Extramarital sex is not something I would do to have a baby, but you're right, it works for your family so more power to you.  But again, I don't think most of us were necessarily judging you, but more surprised that that is the route you chose since most of us cannot imagine going that route.

Good luck on the LGBT board, hopefully you can find the answers you're looking for.

edit for wording

PrimRoseMama

francophonia:

I'm surprised by all the judgement here. I feel like I need to clear a few things up.

 

1) I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN. I want a man to give me his sperm. The only reason I felt comfortable with the old-fashioned way with that donor is because we are extremely close. I had known him for 8 years, she had known him for longer. Our previous relationship had ended on very good terms. I know our situation is not typical. But just because it's not what you might consider "normal" in your limited view of what relationships and families are doesn't mean it's what is right for our family. He is the only man that my wife and I would feel comfortable doing that with, which is why we are now looking into OTHER forms of conception. Neither I nor my wife would feel comfortable doing that with any other donor.

2) My wife is infertile, so I am the only viable carrier in our house.

3) My family unit is amazing. My son has a great relationship with his biodad even though he still knows we're his mamas. He's extremely confident and secure. My wife and I have a very strong relationship, we're extremely open and honest with each other, and we were very clear and open in our communication throughout the entire process.

4) My wife and I have always been monogamous outside of babymaking. Though this isn't common, it still happens in the real world. Just because it's not something you would do doesn't mean it's fictional. If someone had posted in thenest about having a threesome, most people would probably not react so harshly, even though our situation is far less complicated.

5) I do not want to go through a sperm bank or IVF because it's financially and legally invasive. It also carries a great deal of physical side effects and risks.

6) There really isn't a board for this specific thing, so I went with the board I thought would be the best fit.I do not have a lot of people IRL who I can talk to about this, and I was hoping that someone might have some experience with artificial insemination. Doesn't seem to much of a stretch, seeing as I was looking for advice on methods of conception rather than judgement on my family unit.

7) As far as donor's HPV goes, he was diagnosed last year because one of the women he slept with tested positive and contacted all her sexual partners. People do that, you know? He does have genital warts that his doctor confirmed.

1) since you mentioned "the old fashioned way" with regards to your other pregnancies, it was the only reference we had. It's not unreasonable to assume that you weren't out to do the same thing with another donor. We weren't given the information about how close you are to bio-dad. It makes a difference. The way we read it was anonymous sex with some dude that agreed to baby-making sex.

2) again, including this in your original post would have been extremely helpful.

3) I don't believe anyone in this thread cast aspersions on how well adjusted your kids are or really any comment on how you are raising them. I think this point is coming out of nowhere? No need to be defensive.

4) your relationship, your business about whether or not it's monogamous.

5) can't argue with you here. Though I don't know if going through a third party would be potentially less legally intrusive. I believe you can get sperm from the sperm bank shipped to your home. Then you can do what you choose. I highly recommend the sperm bank because they screen their applicants & you are more likely to get clean samples in good condition. That's all. It's a suggestion. You asked for advice & there it is.

6) I don't see where anyone judged your family unit. I see that the method selected was what raised eyebrows, but you have to understand we get far out made-up stuff on here a lot. If you had lurked & read you would be familiar with this. Honestly, I think it's a good thing that we are not quick to jump on the "sure go have sex outside your marriage" bandwagon, don't you? We were cautious to encourage a stranger to seek sex with a man they don't know.

7) that stinks about your donor & the warts. I hope for his sake they can treat it or it goes away on its own.

I know you feel like we are judging you harshly but we did not get all the pertinent information right off the bat. We can only respond to what is there to begin with. Yes, some were more judgmental than others, but on the whole you got good advice. As we tell anyone new to the boards: you post it & you will get all kinds of opinions. Some you will like & some you won't. Gay, straight or alien-- the advice is the same. I hope you find the answers you are looking for & meet your goal to continue growing your family.

In my personal opinion love & support of the family unit is what matters. It doesn't mean squat if the parents are the same sex. Good luck to you! 

monica93555

talon1226:

jeffsjayme:

talon1226:

jeffsjayme:

For reals?  You want to find a man that your wife can have sex with to get pregnant?

And you know real life couples who have used kits, but come on here to get advice from women who are most likely not in that situation?

Please be MUD.

That is a really rude and judgemental comment.

OP, I don't really have an answer for your question but I hope you find some answers and good luck. 

How so?  Not judging the fact that they're lesbians.  Confused on why they're on a TTC board when they want a male to have sex with to get pregnant when they know lesbian couples in real life that have been through this.  That's why I suspect MUD...not cause they're lesbians, but because they have real life people that they can talk to and instead pick an internet board of strangers to seek advice from that probably aren't anywhere near their situation.

I agree that the LGBT board might be better able to answer OP's questions just because they know more about the topic but that doesn't mean there was anything wrong with posting it here and the MUD comment was rude. Also everyone on this board is seeking advice from internet strangers instead of talking to their IRL friends. That's what this board is for. 

Kudos Talon! Thank you for speaking up! Everything you've said so far is exactly how I feel!.

Bree2109

a good place to look for a donor is KDR, known donor registry. You can google it, we found our donor there and are now pregnant

Kershnic

jeffsjayme:

talon1226:

jeffsjayme:

For reals?  You want to find a man that your wife can have sex with to get pregnant?

And you know real life couples who have used kits, but come on here to get advice from women who are most likely not in that situation?

Please be MUD.

That is a really rude and judgemental comment.

OP, I don't really have an answer for your question but I hope you find some answers and good luck. 

How so?  Not judging the fact that they're lesbians.  Confused on why they're on a TTC board when they want a male to have sex with to get pregnant when they know lesbian couples in real life that have been through this.  That's why I suspect MUD...not cause they're lesbians, but because they have real life people that they can talk to and instead pick an internet board of strangers to seek advice from that probably aren't anywhere near their situation.

 While I agree that the OP's family building is unconventional (even by lesbian standards) the idea that one should not post on the internet when they have real life options for advice is silly. Do you know any straight married women who have ttc-ed?  Then why are you on the bump instead of talking to them?      

ball.and.chain

PrimRoseMama:

5) can't argue with you here. Though I don't know if going through a third party would be potentially less legally intrusive. I believe you can get sperm from the sperm bank shipped to your home. Then you can do what you choose. I highly recommend the sperm bank because they screen their applicants & you are more likely to get clean samples in good condition. That's all. It's a suggestion. You asked for advice & there it is.

I am still confused by what the OP means by "legally intrustive," but I just wanted to say that from a legal standpoint, conceiving via a known donor -- especially if you have sex with him rather than doing artificial insemination -- is MUCH riskier than using a sperm bank.  Donors to a sperm bank have waived their rights to any offspring conceived with their sperm.  Known donors have not, and even if you draw up a contract with them, it is not legally binding.  They have a legal right to their offspring unless/until they sign away their rights after birth.  Most lesbians have heard horror stories about KDs who realize when the child is born that they want to be a parent to them and then file for partial custody, which they are legally entitled to.  Many people use known donors for many reasons and have no problems with it, and I think it can be a great way to start a family.  But if we are talking about legal issues, it is by NO means the safest route.