Blended Families

kid loathes mom's SO

I havent lurked at all so excuse me if I have bad manners and TIA for reading

My sister is 9 and my mom hasnt been with her dad for a long time and for the most part, its been just her and my mom since she was little. My mom has been with a great guy who is alot older- like a year or two younger than our grandparents. They recently got engaged, but none of us think that they are really getting married. We think they are just committing more seriously.

 My little sister is mortified by this. She absolutely hates this guy. He asks her to do things here and there and gives alot of advice, but it very sweet about it. He is irritating at times, but nothing to be hated for (at least to me). My mom doesnt spend an extraordinary amount of time with him alone. A huge change was that my sister always went to sleep with my mom. Well when SO came into the picture, that obviously had to change (she was about 7). Shes also had a hard time adjusting in the past.

She gets really upset any time he comes over. She says she is so embarrassed that he is so old and if my mom wears her ring in front of her friends she wont invite them back over. She also informs my mom how she is going to move in with her dad (not an option) or how my mom is ruining her life. She sobbed and called everyone a liar because she thought my mom was giving the ring back when she got it re-sized.

 My mom is blown away by this. My sis is a great kid, but ever since my mom got serious with this man, she all of a sudden is emotionally out of control. Its not as easy as just telling her to stop the attitude because the attitude is coming from sincerely being upset. 

Shes talked to a therapist/counselor before, and my mom wouldnt mind getting her back to talk to someone, but she wants to try on her own first. Any words of wisdom? 

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Re: kid loathes mom's SO

  • WahooWahoo member

    I have a 9 yo, and I can tell you, they are EASILY embarressed by the dumbest things.  My DD told my H to brush his hair before her friend came over.  The only time she takes initiative with cleaning is when a friend is coming for a playdate.....

    I can tell you this.........if my DD ever told me "if you wear your ring around my friend, I'll never invite them over again....." I'd tell her I guess that friend won't be returning, because a 9 yo is not going to tell me how to live my life. 

    I would also say..........you insist he is a great guy.....is there ANY chance that anything else is going on?  That he is inappropriate (even in a "he's old generation, that's the way they talk" kind of way)?  That your niece is getting a bad vibe from him?

    I think therapy is a good idea.  It sounds as if this is a difficult adjustment for your niece, and this is a VERY difficult age.  So much is about appearances, it's actually sad.   

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • This sounds EXACTLY like me, when I was a kid.

    I was overly attached to my mom, I used to sleep in her bed and then she got a boyfriend (there was a slight age difference, him being older).

    I was brutal to the poor guy.

    Basically, the more my mom gave in, the worse I was. So I have to ditto the pp who said the friend wouldn't be coming back because the 9 yo can't control her life.

    I would say just to make sure mom spends lots of time alone with 9yo and to listen to her complaints (maybe 1/100 could be addressed?) but to stand her ground.

    GL!!! 

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  • i think this is typical i have a 12 and 15 SS and at times they get rebellious. but i suggest speaking to a therapist. she is young and still doesnt comprehend the situation.and maybe include mom and SO .. that might help and clear up what is really the reason behind the behavior

    Best of Luck

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  • I'm not from a blended family, but I do understand your situation to a degree. My husband has two nieces (8 and 5) who he adores. He's basically a substitute father to them. Right before our son was born, the older niece told me, "Nobody likes you, so go home to America and take the baby with you. You don't belong here." She also told my husband that she didn't want the baby to come because once he did they wouldn't play together anymore.

    She's a very sweet girl normally, but she's going through a phase where she's more focused on the male figures in her life- and kids her age don't like change. In my neices' case, she's been through a lot in the past few years.

    I agree with PP about seeing a therapist. I'm sure there's nothing more than garden-variety jealousy going on, but it couldn't hurt to talk to a neutral third party. 

    "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."- Emily Bronte Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm a little surprised your mom doesn' t realize or understand why your sister is having an issue with this.  They formed a "just the two of us" bond and now there is an interloper. 

    The thing that bugs me - she slept in the same bed with her daughter. This creates an even more dependent, tight bond between parent and child and when that's broken,  and the child is expected to now go sleep alone while the parent still has someone to share their bed with...that's pretty tough to take.

    That is one thing I will NOT do when it's just DD and me - allow her to sleep in my bed, or I in hers.  I will cuddle with her for while before she goes to sleep, and she can crawl in mine in the morning or before she goes to bed,  but we will sleep in our own beds. 

    If your mother expects this to ever get better, that's the first thing she needs to realize - that she's set this one up.  She needs to acknowledge her daughter's feelings and start mending that.  DOesn't mean she has to coddle your sister, but she probably needs to start building that trust and bond back up in other ways that are healthier for their mother, daughter relationship.

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