how many times?

erinmc1

How many times was your letter presented to a birthmom before you were selected?  I know we've had this post before, but we're being shown for the 4th time, and I'm just feeling anxious, I guess.

Our agency said our letter was one of the best they've seen (by which I think they mean it's pretty, not necessarily content-wise), but I'm starting to second-guess it.  After spending months reading how similar all the letters (posted on our agency site) are, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for a birthmom to look at everyone saying "we so admire your strength and the difficulty of the decision you're facing" and "here's a little about how wonderful we are," and make a decision based on that.  I almost wish I could just be completely direct and say "this really sucks, huh?"

Our agency asked us to send them a new batch of letters, and I'm wondering if it isn't time to revamp ours, if we aren't chosen this time.  If you revamped, did you do it at your agency's suggestion, or just feel that it was time? 

Dr.Loretta

We were shown 3x in the first month. We declined to be shown to someone the second month, and I don't know if we were shown any other times. We were matched the 3rd month.

Our SW said we should consider revamping after about 6-9 months of waiting.

FWIW, DD's BM picked us because of a picture of DH with a silly picture on his head. So you never know what's going to appeal to a birthfamily.

erinmc1

See, I think that's the thing that makes me question it all.  Even at the agency when they were talking about why birth parents chose their adoptive parents, they said "they like this or that photo."  Everyone portrays themselves having stable, fairly perfect lives.  So the real difference is mainly in the visual aids.  

 I'd be interested to hear from birthparents what it was that made them pick the adoptive parents.   

Dr.Loretta

I guess I didn't see us as trying to portray ourselves as uber-stable or perfect. But that's just me. But we only had a 2-page profile, so there wasn't much to work with anyway.

I'll be curious to hear from other BMs as well.

JELLYRUNNER01

I just chose an adoptive family based on i guess as previously listed the  "visual aids"  They had things such as the nursery posted etc that really made my heart jump. Sometimes those letter s are lengthy and do ALL sound alike and makes me sad to read the struggle with infertility etc.... I definately looked at their stability as far as how long they were married and the quick "fun facts" such as favorite movie, books music etc...i learned alot about people through that. But that was just my experience as the BM.

sidenote- kuddos to all you families waiting i cant imagine making a book in hopes that a BM chooses you the pure stress of it im sure is overwelming.

IRR

Jellyrunner - thanks for posting.  Love hearing things like this from BM.  I still think it must be harder for you to choose then it is for us to write.

baze2

Thanks for posting..both this question and the BM repsonse. I have been wondering the same thing. We have been waiting a year and have been shown 4 times. Haven't been picked yet! ..

I have been wondering the same thing vs. pulling our profile and living child free

 

orangecupcake

We were chosen the second time our profile was shown.

Our agency asks the BM's why they chose the certain couple. Our BM said she liked that I have cut and donated my hair a few times, that DH is a police officer, that we have a Jeep, and the look of our house.

Patches08

I picked DD's parents because they were very similar to my own parents.  

-Mid 20's

-Same family & religious values

-The house was the same as my parents, the house I grew up in (bi-level) and DD's nursery would be my bedroom.. same layout.

-No college for either parent

-Stay at home mom and hard working dad

-First child (as I am the oldest and DD was MY first child)

 

Those are just a few notes that stuck out to me.  I was told by Bethany Christian Services that I could only meet 1 family.. I was presented 2 profiles to choose from (DD is 1/8 black and that limited the # of perspective AP's, she's blond hair, green eyed too hehe).  

The other family was older (mid 40's), already had a child and both college educated.  They were by all standards a great, loving family, but it didn't click with  me.

erinmc1

Thanks for all the responses!  I appreciate the feedback.

I know that every family is looking for something different, I just hate the whole letter scenario.  Necessary evil, I guess.  

Dr.Loretta

erinmc1:

Thanks for all the responses!  I appreciate the feedback.

I know that every family is looking for something different, I just hate the whole letter scenario.  Necessary evil, I guess.  

I guess you can look at it as, it's better than the alternative. Such as the agency just choosing APs and BPs without any input from either side. And a potential for a match that doesn't go well. As the pp noted, simple things like your education and religious background, while not necessarily showing you as perfect, may strike a chord with e-parents who are looking for someone like them.

GL and I hope your wait isn't much longer.

francophonia

We actually did an independent adoption, so we never had a letter. I tutor children in foreign languages and one of my student's mothers who is a high school teacher told me she had a pregnant teenager in her class. She gave my number to her and she contacted us on the phone. We actually had a meeting where she came to our house, met us and our son, and asked us all the questions she wanted to.