How to handle being mean to relatives?

Libramom2b

Lurker here - but I was wondering how you deal with / react / discipline when your preschooler is mean to relatives or friends. My son (4 today) was recently very mean when his Grandmother was visiting recently. He wouldn't talk to her, would pout and turn his back etc when she tried to hold him. Say "I don't like you". He doesn't see her often (maybe twice a year) but I know it hurt her feelings. We tried talking to him, that it makes her sad etc, but that didn't seem to help. He has also acted like this on occasion when his dad wants to talk to him on the phone (we are divorced). Will pout and say he doesn't want to etc. Any ideas? I don't want him to act like a brat or hurt people's feelings.

KathrynMD

DD does this sometimes, we mostly just ignore her when she does this.

If she doesn't want to hug/kiss someone, etc. we just ignore her, if she says something actually mean - like "I don't love you" I take her out of the room and tell her she has to apologize.  I also try to prepare her in advance and remind her to not be mean, I don't want to hear her being mean to Grandma/Grandpa, etc. and that seems to prevent alot of it. 

I don't want to force her to be affectionate to people if she's not into it, but I also don't want her to be nasty.  And, when she does that to me, I just leave the room.

wawa84

Ok, so yes it can hurt people's feelings if a neice,nephew, grandshild, etc doesn't want to hug/kiss or say "I love you".  But I think it's a good thing for children to know that it's ok to say "no".  Recent studies have shown that we teach our children to obey adults and not say "no" and because of that they have a hard time understanding why or how to say "no" to inappropriate touching.  Sadly, most cases of molestation and whatnot are done by family and familiar adults.  All of which we tend to tell our kids to go hug and/or kiss.  They often get in trouble or are made to feel bad or guilty for saying they don't want to.  Not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but telling him that it makes x person feel sad that he won't let her hold him or whatever is a way of guilting him into providing that physical contact.  That being said, I wouldn't force the issue.  You can suggest it, but if the kids say no, just leave it at that.  Don't try to convince him to make that physical contact if he's not comfortable with it.  At 4, kids really don't have the ability to vocalize how they really feel completely.  "I don't like you" can be translated into "I don't know you so I don't want to sit on your lap or give you hugs." 
I'm not saying that kids are at fault for cases of molestation.  Not at all.  But I think that it is a good idea to let them know it is ok to say "no" to those harmless hugs and kisses so that they are comfortable saying "no" if a more dangerous situation arises. I don't even force DS to tell people he loves them.  If he says something hurtful as in calling someone names then that is a different issue and that should be handled.  And I'm totally not saying your family is pedophiles, just that teaching kids it's ok to say "no" if they don't want to be affectionate it is 100% ok.

April37

I've dealt with that too. My rule is that DD never has to hug/kiss anyone she doesn't want to (same as the previous posters reasoning). However, she knows I will not tolerate her being rude. She gets a warning and then a time out or loses privileges if she's rude.