XH alienating the children

motherhen25515

I am a newbie to posting, but have been a lurker for a while.  I need some advice. 

My xh and I have been divorced 4 years. He is remarried (to his affair partner).  I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a year.  We had a visitation order in place for the last several years that he and I both agreed on.  It gave him 3 weekends a month and split holidays. Apparantly he became unhappy with that arrangement, and instead of filing for a modification or requesting mediation, he decided the way to go was to get a restraining order against me for our 3 children.  He made claims of physical and emotional abuse.  The courts have dismissed those claims but we are now in a custody dispute.

The oldest (15) decided she would like to split her time equally so that is the final arrangement for her.  He has convinced the youngest two (12 & 13) to say they don't want to live with me, that I am mean, and that I yell all the time. I guess I am mean in that I have rules and expectations, bedtimes, computer and video game rules, and chores.  I have always been the "mean" parent when it comes to all that, even when we were married. I don't yell anymore, I was frustrated a long time ago and didn't know how to proporly manage my feelings, so I yelled. But that ended along with the marriage. I guess I figured out the source of my frustration.

I believe xh to have narcissistic personality traits and that I am his scapegoat.  He and his parents have blamed me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. According to them, he was the perfect husband and father and I am just a selfish brat. Reality is he is an alcoholic adulterer who cannot keep a job. He drinks because of me, cheated because of me, and didn't have any money because I spent it all.

In real life, I have paid for every doctor, dentist, school clothes, braces, and lunch bill for the children. I have been their constant source of support. I have always been there loving them and doing right by them.

Ever since the restraining order fiasco, their attitude towards me is different. I spend a lot of time checking their attitudes and comments toward me.  I have become their scapegoat also. They say I am the reason they don't have any fun and I only want them around to do chores. I am having a hard time with discipline because I am not sure what the right thing is to do. I love them very much but I am afraid they will become manipulative adults. Anyone been in a similar situation?

FyreFlyeRush

Have you researched paret alienation syndrome? I'd look into it, see if it applies to your situation, and then contact your lawyer ASAP. Most states have protocols in place for it. Additionally, remember the only people new to this are you and your ex. If he is the way you say he is, it'll come out. Also, it's common for kids to suddenly want to live with Dad when summer comes around. 

EDIT: I forgot that most judges will interview children over 12 and see how they feel. If the judge believes the child to be making this choice because parent A interfered or they're trying to manipulate the parents (kids do this), then they'll take that into consideration. What a child wants regarding custody is taken into consideration, but is NOT a deciding factor and has to be coming from a mature decision on the part of the child without influence from the NCP.

newbeast

I feel for you. My dad was always the fun one and poor mom was the one waking me up for school, making me do homework and chores. I wanted to live with dad in an endless summer. 

 I later realized who the good parent was and who sucked. Now, my mom is excited to be a grandma and my dad is left out of all of it. Mom is surrounded by loving (most of the time lol) adult children, and dad has all the time in the world for fishing but no love from me!

This too shall pass.