Overwhelmed

rinascita

Hi Ladies,

I?m starting to feel overwhelmed with this pregnancy.  Knowing that I?ll be alone most of the time to take care of the twins once they are here makes me very nervous as a FTM.  I was a part-time nanny to twin 4 year-old girls and a 1 year-old boy while in college, but for some reason I feel like the next year and half is going to be so hard and I?m to the point of psyching myself out ? I feel like I can?t do it.

I keep telling myself that since I?m a FTM I won?t know any other way of doing anything and everything will be fine. 

I also keep telling myself that I?ll only be alone for max 10 hours a day before my husband, mother, or best friend can make it to our home, on week days.  That means that I?ll have to feed, change, and put them down to sleep ~ 5 times or less by myself. 

Last night my husband said, don?t worry you?ll have all day to take care of them.  He meant well, but? it?s not like a to-do list that I can pick and choose what to do at my leisure throughout the day ? I?m not going to be a housekeeper or SAHW, I?m going to a mother with twins!  They?ll have constant needs that will have to be met, many of which will be unforeseen.  Ugh? I just want to be a good mom and help my children be healthy and happy.

Is anyone else feeling like this, or felt like this in the past?  Is there anything that helped you deal with feeling overwhelmed and more confident in being a MoM? TIA!

kiwi443

It's totally normal to feel that way. Totally.

One of the things that helped me was to focus on the people I know with twins (as well as the moms on this board). Knowing that other people have done it and done it well was/is comforting.

You can do this!

s0ulchicken

I have definitley experienced all of these fears and more, while "adjusting" to the idea of twins. I saw someone make a joke on here the other day, that their intro was "WTF am I going to do with TWINS?", and I'm only mildly ashamed to say that I ask myself this at least once a day. But I figure like all other great things in life, they will be worth it. I think going into it with an open mind and accepting that the first ____ (I haven't figured this number out yet) months are going to be challenging, and that I may need to look for the good to balance the...exhaustion, will help. And besides, I see posts on here all the time about the joys of twins. I can't wait until I can see my babies comfort each other, or take delight in one another. I am totally scared. I think that makes us smart though.

Sorry that I don't have any advice, but if you need somoene to commiserate with, I am "here" for you!

TheBachelorette

I was very nervous too being a FTM but it was actually a lot easier then I thought it would be (or at least I remember it being easier, the rest of it I have blocked out ).  We followed Babywise from the day we returned from the hospital.  Every 3 hours its change them, feed them, play, nap.  You will develop a routine and keep them both on the same schedule.  Try to find things that make it easier for you.  For instance, I had 27 bottles.  I had enough so that I would use 1 bottle a day per twin per feed, load them into the basket and set the washing machine each night.  Have enough clothes so you only have to do their laundry once or twice a week.  Make meals ahead and freeze (not just dinners).  We purchased an extra freezer for the garage.  I loaded it with muffins, breads, chili, pasta, crockpot meals, etc.  Purchase the Boppy newborn loungers.  They were the second most important baby purchase for me (BJCS was #1).  I would feed in loungers, they would lay in loungers, take naps in loungers, play in loungers, etc.  Most importantly, stay on this board.  I learned so much from being here.  You are not alone. 

MuseumMaven

Totally normal to feel that way.  I can remember panicking about how I could possibly care for two babies by myself.  Here are a few things that might help:

 Have a support system.  There were some times that I couldn't do it alone - I needed some help.  Do you know some people that might enjoy snuggling some babies?  I found that lots of the grandmas at my church were more than happy to come help out with babies.  When they were tiny I probably had someone over once or twice a week.  When they were there I could do things like getting caught up on laundry.  People who don't really want to help with babies might be willing to do things like pick up groceries or fold laundry.  You can start enlisting people to help before the babies arrive. 

 I found getting to know other twin moms to be really helpful.  I made friends through my local Moms of Twins Club.  It's great to have people around who have been there/done that.  Now I get to be that person for the moms with new twins.

You really can do it.  I won't lie and say that it was easy, but it was worth every second.  There are still days that I struggle - that's when we get in the car and go somewhere.  But you will manage.  Lots of people do every day, and you can, too.

Breezy8407

I am still a rookie here, but I felt the same as you as a FTM. I was scared the first day I had them both on my own. I cried the night before. Of course I love them, but it was so overwhelming. Some days were hard, but you get through it. You have probably experienced two babies screaming at the same time...I had not.

What got me through was that everyone here always said the first 4 months are the hardest. I can say that it's already getting easier. They are content longer, smiling, and talking now. It was like a flip switched at exactly 12 weeks.

Definitely let people come over and even just hold them if that's all they can do. I had a friend on maternity leave at the same time so she would bring her LO over and we would just hang out. It was so nice just to have someone to talk to. Even though we were outnumbered, having another adult was helpful in case I wanted to run downstairs to do laundry, take a shower, etc. My mom has also taken a few random days off here and there and came to help for the day. Having that break in the week was so helpful - physically and mentally. 

Rynleigh

I'm on the totally opposite end of the spectrum, but I still empathize. My problem is that I'm a full time working mother of two, right now, and now I'm torn in my own mind with anguish over whether or not I can actually return to my career after the twins come. Working for someone else for 9hrs of every day and coming home and being mom has always been less optimal than the idea of staying home with my kids - but, before, the financial aspect of it made it worth it, for me. Now, I'm terribly unsure about how I'm going to budget childcare, and I am concerned that I won't be able to give each of my individual children sufficient attention, if I return to work. But - we also won't be able to make it, financially, with me staying home with the kids, either. I genuinely wish that I could be a SAHM after they're born. 

I might not be able to offer a lot of advice for easing your own struggle. But I can say that the anxiety involved in trying to prepare yourself is something we all share.  

leapgirl8

Mine are not very old but I will tell you that every week has been easier than the last. They already cry significantly less than they did around 6-8 weeks, and while we still have to wake them up every 3 hours to eat because of weight gain concerns, they are good sleepers once we get them down at night and go right back to sleep after the 1a and 4a feedings. 

Some days for me it comes down to "What choice do I have?" and I just keep going. It's hard, but the good thing about time is that it just keeps passing and they keep getting easier/older, no matter how hard each individual day, hour, minute is. 

One thing that helped me: I chose not to worry about HOW to actually take care of them (feeding, bathing, getting them down for naps, swaddling, etc.) until we were about 30 weeks along. I worked on getting our house set up and getting the right things, but I didn't read baby care books or read many of the non-pregnancy posts on here. You have PLENTY of time, and you WILL figure it out when the time comes.  

turtle_1278

It is totally normal to feel overwhelmed.  Even after they came home I wasn't sure how I was going to manage when my husband started traveling again.  But over time it gets easier and I have found myself relying on other people less and less. 

 Try to take it one day at a time.  Now that mine are 7 months, they play independently and with each other a lot more so I can get small things done.  You will figure it out since it will be your reality and it will get easier and more routine!

erniebufflo

It's normal to feel this way. And I can't lie, thefirst couple months are HARD. But you just get through it. You find a rhythm and systems that work for you,and you get it done. I am alone with my girls most days, and sometimes my husband works 24 hour shifts. I was so scared about my first 24 alone, but we made it!Nowit doesn't phase me. Twins are all I know. 

rinascita

Thanks ladies for sharing and making me feel 'normal'.

I felt like I was losing it for the past few days... hearing that we all know it is/was hard but can make it through really helps.  I don't have any friends that have babies yet, let alone twins, so it has been hard for a lot of my friends and family to understand what I'm going through and will be dealing with in the coming months.

Thanks again!!

besu-chan

As everyone else has said, it's totally normal. I have been a nanny, babysat a ton, and I'm an elementary school teacher, but nothing prepared me for being a FTM to twins.

I'll give it to you straight- the first 3 months were absolute insanity. I was in a constant state of panic. I was so exhausted that I was hallucinating. And I did so many things wrong. But guess what? We're all still alive. And when the girls hit 3 months, it was like a switch was flipped. We got into a groove and they suddenly were happy all the time instead of crying all the time. I could make it through an entire day by myself without having a panic attack. So the best thing to remember is that you will all survive, and it will get easier. 

That said, I will echo what a lot of pp said-  having other MoMs to talk to, whether on this board or IRL, is so helpful. Mostly just to hear again that yeah, it's really hard at first, but it gets better. Also, having someone else do most of the housework is essential in my opinion. I did not cook or clean for the first 2 months. Having people bring over dinners was the best, especially since we could then eat leftovers for lunch without any extra work or thought.

I think it depends on your personality, but for me it made me feel better to read tons of books on parenting multiples. The thing I wished I had done more of is bookmark parts that I could reference easily later- because let me tell you, as much as I thought I remembered stuff, or at least where to find it, my brain was complete mush those first few weeks when I could have really used some of that advice!

LadyNikon

I am a STM and I am nervous and feeling overwhelmed.  I have one person here who can help  me but she has 4 kids of her own and works.  DH works long shifts so there will be days where its *only* me and the twins.  So I am right there with ya!

schoolsoutbride

Is there anybody around who can help you?  The first year was pretty overwhelming for me.  If you're going to be by yourself 10 hours a day, I'd totally try to at least hire a mother's helper.  

Don't let it overwhelm you.  Just make plans!  

lmydogally

You got this, and I tell you that after you have done it for a few weeks you will feel like you could run the country.  My Husband was traveling for work two weeks at a time home for 24 hours and then gone again for two weeks from the time the girls were 6 weeks old till about 4 months.  It was hard just because I was on duty 24-7 with absolutely no help from anyone.  No family, no friends came to help.  If I can do that, you can handle 10 hours a day by yourself.  Yes, there will be times when you will be stressed and overwhelmed, just breath deep for 5 minutes and tackle one thing at a time.  

When both babies would cry at the same time, I would turn my back, take a deep breath and go tackle whoever I figured I could get to stop crying first.  You'll be fine, just focus on taking good care of yourself now and worry about taking good care of the babies when they get here.   

Temp6313048411121614

What you're feeling is normal.  I already had 1 when we had the twins, but I still felt so unprepared.  What really helped was a couple of days before DH went back to work I sent him on long errands, that way he could come home if I needed him, but I also go to "practice" taking care of all of them by myself. 

LottaLattes

I am on week 7, and every week is easier.  I have found a friend who has twins two weeks younger than mine and she has helped me get out of the house and that passes the days better.  And at 7 weeks, they suddenly got just a little easier and I know it continues on from here.  Just remember that the days go by fast in the end and you'll look back and miss them being so little and fussy.  If you're able, find a friend or few who can come over to just chat or hold a baby sometimes, that helps.  And learn how to get out of the house, even if just for a short walk, as much as you can.  And nap now, so you can remember how nice it was haha.

Switzerland87

rinascita:

Hi Ladies,

I?m starting to feel overwhelmed with this pregnancy.  Knowing that I?ll be alone most of the time to take care of the twins once they are here makes me very nervous as a FTM.  I was a part-time nanny to twin 4 year-old girls and a 1 year-old boy while in college, but for some reason I feel like the next year and half is going to be so hard and I?m to the point of psyching myself out ? I feel like I can?t do it.

I keep telling myself that since I?m a FTM I won?t know any other way of doing anything and everything will be fine. 

I also keep telling myself that I?ll only be alone for max 10 hours a day before my husband, mother, or best friend can make it to our home, on week days.  That means that I?ll have to feed, change, and put them down to sleep ~ 5 times or less by myself. 

Last night my husband said, don?t worry you?ll have all day to take care of them.  He meant well, but? it?s not like a to-do list that I can pick and choose what to do at my leisure throughout the day ? I?m not going to be a housekeeper or SAHW, I?m going to a mother with twins!  They?ll have constant needs that will have to be met, many of which will be unforeseen.  Ugh? I just want to be a good mom and help my children be healthy and happy.

Is anyone else feeling like this, or felt like this in the past?  Is there anything that helped you deal with feeling overwhelmed and more confident in being a MoM? TIA!

 I'm a FTM, and it really did make a difference. I do get overwhelmed. At least a few times a week! But at the same time, two babies is just normal to me at this point. Also, you will adapt, because there isn't really another option. 

Yes, there will be times when you ugly cry on the floor out of frustration. I did last night, when it was 5am and my girls still hadn't gone to sleep. But then they do eventually fall asleep and so do you and, I promise, when you wake up things feel a little better.

But then, for all the frustration and, yes, chaos of having multiples, you'll walk by their crib one afternoon to see them playing together or cuddling (or, like my girls, sucking each other's thumbs). Then all the stress and ugly cries on the floor at 5am don't seem so bad, because you realize you wouldn't have it any other way.  

melcass

My twins are 4 weeks old and it has not been as hard as I thought it would be.  It's not easy but it's not horrible.  Keep them on a schedule, feed, change them at the same time.  The hardest part to me is when they both cry at the same time, I just know one will have to cry while I care for the other one and we all survive.  At bedtime my husband and I do shifts.  I go to bed at 9:00 and sleep till 2:00 then take over.  That way I get a good 5 hours of sleep, I feel great and don't feel any sleep deprivation.

 I also have a 3 year old added to the mix.  You can do it! 

mirnb

lmydogally:

You got this, and I tell you that after you have done it for a few weeks you will feel like you could run the country. 

 

haha I love this...but its totally true...it seems crazy at first but you will figure out a way to do it on your own and you will feel so empowered...for a few mins at least ....until they both start crying...but honestly you survive the first 3 months and it just gets better from there! Ask for help if you can and nap as much as you can and make sure to eat! No sleep + No Food = crazy mommy!

xoexpat

I can definitely relate! How far along are you?  My feelings about this pregnancy have fluctuated and run the gamut...I was feeling really overwhelmed a couple of weeks ago, and then my aunt died, DH went overseas for work, it was my bday...too many things at once!

I'm going to be a SAHM and my DH works alot too.  But he is really excited about our little twinkies, and that helps alot.  You're so lucky to have that twin nannying experience!  Even just nannying in general...I was a teacher at one point and I'm really glad I had that exposure to kids, even though with babies I'm still a total novice.   Being a future mom to twin infants can be really daunting...whenever I envision myself and my future family, I see pre-school age children, not totally dependent newborns...so I have some serious adjusting to do!

From everything I've read in books and on this board, we just need to take it EASY, one day at a time.  They say that you figure out what works for you and your babies....and that it will get better and better and easier. One thing I would say is not to get too far ahead of yourself because that can create a lot of stress.   

Sorry, that's probably not a lot of help, but just wanted you to know you're not the only one to feel this way!  (I had a baby shower yesterday, and it got me really excited.  Maybe some baby shopping would help?