BFP = Awkward

mjbaby

Hi Ladies.

I literally haven't posted in over a year - since just after my little Violet was born. Anyway - I need some advice...(and I'll try to make this as short as possible - but I'm kinda long-winded).

V is over a year and a half and I've had baby on the brain again. My husband a little less so, but we were going back and forth w/the idea of starting to try again - he was kind of reluctant. We recently are going through some real estate issues (1st time homebuyer program gone south) and because of that we are pretty strapped for cash. About 6 weeks ago, my husband mentioned he thought it would be prudent if we continued to use condoms - it made more sense financially. I was pretty bummed - and he knew it. Well, we used a condom once and then a few weeks ago (TMI, but we don't have sex all that much) we didn't use a condom. I think he basically didn't want me to be all upset in the middle of having sex.

So...you can guess where this is going - I had a faint positive test a couple days ago, took another one later that day (that was an early detection test) and it was a stronger BFP...I was on the fence as to whether to tell him right away because all of this house stuff just hit the fan...but that night I decided to tell him. He reacted pretty crapily...more like Christian Grey (for you 50 shades fans) rather than happy or supportive. He is a super worry wart and hasn't stopped freaking out since. He's been a littler nicer to me, but now things are awkward. Should I just let him ride the wave and pretend I'm oblivious to his attitude, or what? I was really happy when I first found out - like dumbstruck happy...but now I feel like I duped him into not using a condom and that he doesn't really want this baby. What should I say/do to try and smooth things over? Have any of you been in a similar situation before?

TIA! And thanks for reading!

 

dande2129

I can understand his worry and frustration also. He was insistant that you two use condoms to avoid this situation while you're dealing with a lot of other financial uncertainties. I get that. But.... he was part of the process in not using a condom too.

I wouldn't pretend that you're oblivious. You do need to acknowledge his feelings, even if they aren't what you wanted or expected. I'd also voice your own feelings and try to find a common ground where you can both be proactive in ensuring things are in place before the due date, but also know that it's life, and not everything goes as planned. 

He may also need some time to let this really sink in. I was terrified for a good couple of weeks after my BFP, and only then did I start to get excited. 

Charlotte02

I think you are going to have to give him some time to adjust to the idea. You were on opposite sides of the spectrum on this. Now it takes two to make a baby and he should have worked out this issue with you before hand but in the end you know he will love this child as much as the other. Start working out a financial plan. Knowing you are involved and want to help should ease the burden. My husband and I were on a paycheck to paycheck bases when my son conceived. I ended up on bed-rest for 3 months before the birth and couldn't work for 3 months after. We ended up putting what we could on a personal loan and borrowed from our family. It has taken 2 years to get it mostly payed down. It can get tough and you probably will have to severely budget yourself. Good luck, I wish you the best.

MalloryD3613

I think you've been given some great advice so far.  Y'all were able to have some honest conversations about (not) trying to get pregnant so you should be able to do the same thing now that you are.  I wouldn't force your guy to talk if it's still sinking in, but I agree that if you're proactive, he won't feel like the burden is entirely on him.  Acknowledge his feelings and the difficult position this puts y'all in and let him know you're there when he's ready to start hammering out a plan.  Good luck!

PandasMama0626

reading your post was like reading what happened with my hubby and me this time around. It took months to get my hubby to agree to "lets just see what happens." He knew I started tracking and stuff but I don't think he really knew how quick it could happen. I found out I was PG on fathers day (I ovulated on our anniversary 8 days before so for me, it was a sign ) When the hubby came home I told him "you remember when I said 'wouldn't it be funny if I got pregnant on our anniversary?'" and his reaction was "you didnt...." like it was totally my fault and all my doing!!! My jaw dropped and we ended up in a huge fight. I finally got tired of trying to defend myself and said "if you wanted a condom they were right in the drawn next to the bed...I didn't make this baby all by myself and if you really weren't ok with it, you should have said so BEFORE the fact.." and walked away. It took him a good 2 or 3 weeks to finally warm up and now he is on board with the baby. He even acts happy about it from time to time (which is a big deal for him since hes such a pessimist). Give your hubby some time to process. Men need to hide in their man cave for a while when they are going through something. When he is ready, he will tell you. Have faith... he will come around.

HoolahZinger

You have been given such good advice already. I'd just like to echo giving it some time and getting on a budget as soon as you can. It's crazy what you can actually live without once you really get down to the nitty gritty. It may take a little bit of time to let it sink in for DH. In the end, it was both of your choices to forgo the condom so don't feel like you snooped him into anything. And also, CONGRATULATIONS!!!