Blended Families

Why do you do it?

Why do you help out with your partners kids?

I'm specifically wondering how it benefits you?  What drives you to do it?

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Re: Why do you do it?

  • I treat my SS as though he was my own. Because he is so young, I am determined to raise him to know and love me for me. I greatly fear that BM's resentment towards me will teach him negative feelings too. I also fear the day he will refuse to listen when he is being punished because I am not his "mommy". If I take the back seat to helping raise this child, I will lose out on his love and respect.

    DH is my best friend and has swept me off my feet since I let him into my world. When SS came following after, I was in love when I saw him for the first time. I choose to be such a big part of his life because he is a piece of DH caught in an unfortunate situation between families. They come as a package deal and I knew what I was getting involved with.

    A quote I came across that I love: "Youre helping raise a child. NOT and inconvenience."

    Thats what drives me to do it. :-) Sounds a bit cheesy but its for SS's unconditional love that is so rewarding to me. He is my son too <3

    Mama of 1: who did not grow below my heart, but certainly a big place in it!!



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  • I love DH. SD is part of him.
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  • My dh's answer to this is.. "because I'm suppossed to.. When I married you your kid became my responsibility to." it's an honest answer, but doesn't really sound all that great.
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  • Because they are my kids too and I love them. And because I believe God put them in my life for a reason.

    I know my answer is not PC 'round these parts. 

  • I love DH and I love them. It isn't a traditional family but it is our family. I would never want his "first set of kids" to feel like they are not an equal member in our family even if they don't live here full time. It's not for a benefit it's just the right thing to do. If I wasn't willing to do it I shouldn't have married a man with children.
  • Oddly enough, I never thought about WHY. I just DID it, and it has worked for us thus far.
  • Anyone read Scientific America?

    I was reading an article to today about cooperation and why people cooperate or help others.  In the animal kingdon its basically survival of the fittest.  So why have humans evolved to cooperate and even help each other.

    Scientists have come up with five reasons...

    1.  Direct reciprocy -  (you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours)

    2. Spacial selection - where groups of people help each other to grow thus prevail in competition.

    3. Genetically related cooperation - survival of your kin

    4. Indirect reciprocy - get ahead by aiding the top brass

    5. Selfess acts for the greater good - tribes helping other tribe members at a cost to themselves for the good fo the tribe.

    I was thinking about blended families while reading the article.  I can't slot us into any of the above. 

    I suppose when I think about it, my reasons are selfish.  I want to be with my DH and I choose him to be the father of my children.  The only way I get what I want is if I accept SS as part of the deal. 

    I'll now have to go and read an article about forming attachments!  Because over the years I sure have formed an attachment to kiddo.

     

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  • imageJNL$LSM:

    My situation is quite different; I do it because that is how I was raised. If a family member or friend is in trouble, you help if you can. I took in my nephew because I love him and want what is best for him. He has brought so much joy, laughs, and hugs into DH and my life. I would not change my decision for the world.

    3. Genetically related cooperation - survival of your kin.

     

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  • Interesting.

    I wonder if the age of the SKs plays into the Why.

    My SKs are young and I think it is mostly human nature to nurture wee little ones, thus forming a bond.

    As for the individuals that come into a blended family and deal with the teenagers...THAT is a better WHY question to me LOL! I kid...sort of.

  • imageJNL$LSM:
    imagePhantomgirl:
    imageJNL$LSM:

    My situation is quite different; I do it because that is how I was raised. If a family member or friend is in trouble, you help if you can. I took in my nephew because I love him and want what is best for him. He has brought so much joy, laughs, and hugs into DH and my life. I would not change my decision for the world.

    3. Genetically related cooperation - survival of your kin.

     

    True, he is kin, however, a TON of people told me and still tell me that I am crazy. I should not do it; it does not matter if he is kin. He is not your problem. I think it all goes back to my Grandfather, he would always say this scripture: ?But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother have need, and shuts up his heart of compassion from him, how dwells the love of God in him?? I John 3:17 I have always been like that, friends, family, and strangers. If I have something and someone else needs it, I give it. Never thought twice about it, God has blessed me with so much, why not share.

     Love!

    image
  • imageriabiron:
    I love DH. SD is part of him.

     

    this!

  • imagewendilea:

    Because I'm certifiably insane and apparently like getting kicked in the face repeatedly.

    I do it for DH, in all honesty.  I love him and the kids were part of the package.  The fact that they are rotten, lazy, programmed to hate me was not in the initial package.

    How bad is it that this is sort of my deal too. I did it bc it is what you do when you are naive and in love and one of tithe things I liked about DH is that he was a good Dad that more than took responsibility. But I did not See then where SD would wind up. And when she lived with us I did what I did bc her Mom sucked and was not doing anything including seeing her.  

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • imagewendilea:

    Because I'm certifiably insane and apparently like getting kicked in the face repeatedly.

    I do it for DH, in all honesty.  I love him and the kids were part of the package.  The fact that they are rotten, lazy, programmed to hate me was not in the initial package.

    How bad is it that this is sort of my deal too. I did it bc it is what you do when you are naive and in love and one of tithe things I liked about DH is that he was a good Dad that more than took responsibility. But I did not See then where SD would wind up. And when she lived with us I did what I did bc her Mom sucked and was not doing anything including seeing her.  

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • imageHopeforthebest:
    Oddly enough, I never thought about WHY. I just DID it, and it has worked for us thus far.

     This is me also.  I think its also because I love DH and they are part of the package.  This summer theres also a smidge of Wendi's reason, apparently I like to be kicked in the face too lol.  ohhhhh preteens. 

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  • HMMMM... Thats a hard question. But, I think it all comes down to making it a good environment for the kids. I don't want to be the evil step mom, I want the kids to like me. I wouldn't ever want to be a childs source of horror... If you know what I mean. They are DH's blood, and I can't mess with that.

  • Part of what I found so attractive about DH was that he was a great father.  SS was also so easy to love that it's taken no effort to see him as my own.  I wish I could just say "DS" when talking about SS but I know that confuses people because, biologically, he's not.  Right now, I am lamenting SS and my 1-on-1 time coming to an end.  I've really enjoyed spending my days with JUST SS while DH is at work and I know next summer it will be SS and DD so 1-on-1 time won't be possible.  I still plan on working in 1-on-1 time when DH is home from work so SS and I can still go do fun stuff on our own.  

    I think, for me, it's also been easier since BM is not in the picture.  I have been able to step in and be essentially the only mom in SS's life.  I'm not sure how I would handle it if I had some of you other ladies' situations. 

    image

    "To be able to practice five things everywhere under heaven constitutes perfect virtue...gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness."
  • Originally it was because of DH and was that way for about a year. I mean that first year was rough going from single mom of one to 4 kids ages 5 and under. Then I grew to love them and since have watched them grow. Sure, I have days where I think what have I gotten myself into but those are really few and far between. I can't imagine life without them. I mean they are not only DH's kids but I've had a hand in raising them for almost 7 years.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

  • imageHopeforthebest:

    Interesting.

    I wonder if the age of the SKs plays into the Why.

    My SKs are young and I think it is mostly human nature to nurture wee little ones, thus forming a bond.

    As for the individuals that come into a blended family and deal with the teenagers...THAT is a better WHY question to me LOL! I kid...sort of.

    I may post on this later. My dh says he has a harder time bonding with ds1 because he was 10 when we met. 11 when we got serious. I think that's bs but..
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  • imagekarleegirl:
    imageHopeforthebest:

    Interesting.

    I wonder if the age of the SKs plays into the Why.

    My SKs are young and I think it is mostly human nature to nurture wee little ones, thus forming a bond.

    As for the individuals that come into a blended family and deal with the teenagers...THAT is a better WHY question to me LOL! I kid...sort of.

    I may post on this later. My dh says he has a harder time bonding with ds1 because he was 10 when we met. 11 when we got serious. I think that's bs but..

    Actually, I think age does have a lot to do with it.  My kids were 8 and 4 when my husband and I started "officially" dating and K was barely 2.  I bonded quickly and easily with K, and my husband bonded quickly with my daughter.  However, my son (who was 8) took a little more work.  He was old enough to have memories of what happened between me and his father so it was harder for him to open up and accept my husband.  That caused a strain between them for about a year.  Now they're relationship is amazing.

    As for why I do it:  I love my husband.  And I love the way he interacts with the kids and how he tries so frigging hard to fill that void that their father left.  Not saying he has them call him "Dad", but he's really made the effort to do the normal "dad" activities with them.  I love K and the family we've all created.  Sure being part of a blended family is incredibly hard sometimes and there are just so many outside factors that interfere sometimes, but at the end of the day when all 5 of us are playing Uno or watching a movie I feel my heart fill (I'm pregnant and sappy right now).  So I guess that's what I get out of it:  I get a sense of accomplishment that all the kids are loved and taken care of.

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  • Because I love my DH. Because I love the kids. watching DH as a parent was one of the biggest attractions to me. Because it makes everything go so much smoother, and probably the biggest reason, because my kid deserve a good mom. And obviously BM is not up for the job.

    Granted, by now they are horrendously behaved, drive me nuts and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. But I could never give up on them.

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  • imageHopeforthebest:

    Interesting.

    I wonder if the age of the SKs plays into the Why.

    My SKs are young and I think it is mostly human nature to nurture wee little ones, thus forming a bond.


    This. I love kids. Before I had kids of my own and met DH I taught Sunday School and loved babysitting for friends. After I became a mom it seemed natural to take care of kids even if they weren't mine. It's why I worked in daycare centers. SS and SD were 3 and 4 when I met DH. It would have seemed odd to not take care of them. I continue to take of them because I've formed a bond with them and I love them.

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  • imageHopeforthebest:

    Interesting.

    I wonder if the age of the SKs plays into the Why.

    My SKs are young and I think it is mostly human nature to nurture wee little ones, thus forming a bond.


    This. I love kids. Before I had kids of my own and met DH I taught Sunday School and loved babysitting for friends. After I became a mom it seemed natural to take care of kids even if they weren't mine. It's why I worked in daycare centers. SS and SD were 3 and 4 when I met DH. It would have seemed odd to not take care of them. I continue to take of them because I've formed a bond with them and I love them.

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  • imageHopeforthebest:

    Interesting.

    I wonder if the age of the SKs plays into the Why.

    My SKs are young and I think it is mostly human nature to nurture wee little ones, thus forming a bond.


    This. I love kids. Before I had kids of my own and met DH I taught Sunday School and loved babysitting for friends. After I became a mom it seemed natural to take care of kids even if they weren't mine. It's why I worked in daycare centers. SS and SD were 3 and 4 when I met DH. It would have seemed odd to not take care of them. I continue to take of them because I've formed a bond with them and I love them.

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • imagePhantomgirl:

    Anyone read Scientific America?

    I was reading an article to today about cooperation and why people cooperate or help others.  In the animal kingdon its basically survival of the fittest.  So why have humans evolved to cooperate and even help each other.

    Scientists have come up with five reasons...

    1.  Direct reciprocy -  (you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours)

    2. Spacial selection - where groups of people help each other to grow thus prevail in competition.

    3. Genetically related cooperation - survival of your kin

    4. Indirect reciprocy - get ahead by aiding the top brass

    5. Selfess acts for the greater good - tribes helping other tribe members at a cost to themselves for the good fo the tribe.

    I was thinking about blended families while reading the article.  I can't slot us into any of the above. 

    I suppose when I think about it, my reasons are selfish.  I want to be with my DH and I choose him to be the father of my children.  The only way I get what I want is if I accept SS as part of the deal. 

    I'll now have to go and read an article about forming attachments!  Because over the years I sure have formed an attachment to kiddo.

     

    This is discussed at length in Stepmonster.  It's been awhile since I read it but the consenus was that you do it because you want to be with your partner (to procreate) and in order to be with your partner it is obviously a requirement to help them raise their kids.  It is seen in animals that step parent too.

  • My answer is going to sound really corny, but i've re-written it several times and it still comes out sounding really mushy so I decided to just leave it.

    I do it because they are an extension of him.  When I decided I loved him, I was deciding i loved ALL of him (and that included the two kids).  It never occured to me to pick or choose which parts of him/his past I wanted...because honestly, I wanted HIM in his entirety.  Crazy BM (who has gotten WAAY better over time), Autistic son, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder daughter included.  Did I walk into the lion's den worth of problems/issues/stressors/difficulties?  Sure.  But have we, as a family, been able to make things work? 100%.  And My husband is a happier man, which makes me a happier wife, which makes the children happier and more well adjusted, and makes BM have less to harp about. 

    If I DIDN'T get involved and help with his children, I can only imagine how fractured and akward we would all feel.  I never want anyone whom I love to feel uncomfortable in their own home, and I know if I were "seperate" from the kids that DH would feel ill at ease every time they came to visit.

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  • imageCheerilee:

    Part of what I found so attractive about DH was that he was a great father.  SS was also so easy to love that it's taken no effort to see him as my own.  I wish I could just say "DS" when talking about SS but I know that confuses people because, biologically, he's not.  Right now, I am lamenting SS and my 1-on-1 time coming to an end.  I've really enjoyed spending my days with JUST SS while DH is at work and I know next summer it will be SS and DD so 1-on-1 time won't be possible.  I still plan on working in 1-on-1 time when DH is home from work so SS and I can still go do fun stuff on our own.  

    I think, for me, it's also been easier since BM is not in the picture.  I have been able to step in and be essentially the only mom in SS's life.  I'm not sure how I would handle it if I had some of you other ladies' situations. 

      My situation is very similar.  I met DH/SS when SS was 7 and we have become very close.  He's almost 14 now and even though he rolls his eyes and talks back I still love him and will still take care of him.  I know that if he lived with his mother our relationship would be different.  I also think that "3. Genetically related cooperation - survival of your kin." plays a part in this though.  One of the things that really attracted me to DH is that he is such a great father.  He is the man that I chose to be the father of my bio child(ren.) 
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  • Because I love 'em :) The girls & SO. I want them to get every opportunity in life & run with it. They,  (girls) I believe have actually also taught me a lot & helped me become a better person. Its so amazing how a kid can just plain out love you, even if you are not at your best (feeling, looking etc). These girls will come up to me when I am upset, looking like a hot mess or just not feeling well & tell me they love me, & it makes everything else well, not matter I guess. :)
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