Feeling robbed...

PhillyGal34

All my life I've wanted to be a mom. I'm so blessed to finally be one.  My son is amazing and I couldn't be more in love with him. But I've always really looked forward to being pregnant too. I loved it and just when I started to really show and finally felt him it was taken away from me. I was just looking online at a store and saw the maternity clothes and started to cry. I feel so robbed of something I wanted so badly.  Most people wouldn't understand but I thought maybe you would.  I guess it adds to it that my dh says he doesn't want any more kids no. The idea of that kills me but I know he was really scared seeing me in the hospital and with our son in the nicu. Any words of wisdom?  

biesecke

I feel exactly the same way. I used to be able to watch "A Baby Story" on TLC, but last week I started balling when I watched a regular birth on there and the mother got to hold her baby immediately after giving birth, and then take the baby home. I get mad that I never really looked pregnant, never felt contractions until after he was born, and I never got to start any kind of a "routine" with DS, instead he had nurses setting a routine with him. I hope that as time goes on these feelings wills slowly get better, but like you, I may not have another child either.

PhillyGal34

Oh I've avoided all pregnancy shows like the plague. I used to watch them all the time... Even before I was married!! I just can't stop crying tonight.  I think part of it is that I'm still supposed to be pregnant... For two more weeks give or take. But then I can't imagine my life without my son here.  I'm so confused. 

Mandee2012

I feel the same way. My DS was born in May at 28w, and I couldn't help but feel that I got cheated on my pregnancy. With my DD, I never took the time to enjoy my pregnancy because I was so impatient for it to be over so that I could see my daughter. Then when I got pregnant with DS, I said that I would enjoy it more and not rush it. When he came early I was so disappointed that I didn't deliver at term. I already was disappointed that I was told that I would need a cesarean because of a complete previa. Because my delivery was such a scary experience, my DH also doesn't want anymore kids, but I can't help but to want to try again in a couple of years to make up for the pregnancy time I missed out on.

Mrs. Alice

Hugs sweetie, I think most of us can completely relate to you on that feeling.  My pregnancy went to crap at 22 weeks and at that point we didn't know if we would have one, two or no take home babies and also faced delivering them as early at 24 weeks with that time spent in the hospital hooked up to monitors.  I was such a buddle of nerves most of my pregnancy knowing I was such high risk.  I feel robbed too, but at the same time I feel incredibly lucky that we made it 28 weeks and had a good outcome.  My DH doesn't "get it" either.  I think he was pretty traumatized by the whole thing and for a while said no more kids but he's changed his tune and I think we both want another in the future.  I've struggled with these and more feelings over the past year but it DOES get better with time.

lwmooney87

I know exactly how you feel. I had started to feel "somewhat" better about it but now two of my best friends are pregnant and those feelings have started to surface again. I had a completely MELTDOWN on DH the other night. We were discussing a future pregnancy and at first, he said he was fine with just DD and that about crushed me. I don't feel like our family is "complete" and I feel those same emotions of feeling robbed from DD's pregnancy. I want SO badly to carry a baby to term and bring it home WITH me from the hospital. DH's response was "You did bring a baby home with you from the hospital". He just doesn't get it. It's so hard and it's such a lonely feeling. I also get the "it's time for another one!" comments now that DD is over a year old and walking now.

Both of my best friends that are pregnant have both already got things for their babies...like big items, crib, car seats, etc before they were even 8 weeks pregnant. I had a MC at 6 weeks before DD, so I don't even know what a "naive" pregnancy is like. But for some reason, it really bugs me that they are like that given all they watched me go through. I guess it's because they've never lived through it. I still struggle with all those feelings daily. I know how blessed we are to have DD and she's so healthy. I told DH that I think subconciously I think that if I get pregnant again and deliver at term, then the feelings that I feel now will be replaced by "happy" feelings. I know it's crazy and nothing will ever erase the trauma from the past 2 years but I can't help but feel that way.

Anyway, sorry to go on a rant... I just know how you feel! You're definitely not alone.

njdcgirl

I can completely relate to your feelings - and my son is 2 now!  I'm am sooooo thankful every day that my son is here with us and doing well, but there is a part of me that still mourns the pregnancy that I didn't get to have.  Those thoughts sneak up on me at the strangest times, but they are definitely a lot less than they were in the beginning.  I think you just need to treat yourself kindly right now and give yourself some time to process what happened. ((hugs))

PhillyGal34

Thank you all. It helps to feel not alone. My husband doesn't really get it. He says that we have a beautiful healthy son and I'm healthy so it's all in the past. I think he felt like it was all over when he came home the other week but I tried to explain that for me I'm still supposed to be pregnant and I'm still getting past seeing other people go to term. To him the result is the same. Baby at home. In fact its sooner for him so now that we are past the nicu it's a bonus. He gets that he'll never get it though and respects that I have these feelings but it's nice to talk to people who understand! 

rels09

I know what you mean. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm still supposed to be enjoying the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy. Instead, I spent the last 23 days of my pregnancy in the hospital, and now she is here in the NICU, and it's exhausting. 

I really need to unsubscribe from all those Motherhood emails, but then I keep thinking that maybe they will have a sale on nursing bras, haha.

thishappyhouse

These are such normal feelings, but such hard ones too.  Its so hard to balance being thankful and being angry.  I was in a desperately dire situation and could very well have lost my daughter before viability but I still found myself mourning the fact that I never wore maternity clothes, never had a baby shower, never came home to the balloons at my front door, etc.  It does get easier (and then sometimes hard again) but like others have said dont make any major decisions about future children now.  You  and your husband will likely feel differently in the future.  

DrRx

I totally felt, and sometimes still do feel, this way.  As others have said, it does get better with time.  However, you have to deal with those emotions of being "robbed" and mourn the loss of the pregnancy.  It was hard when I was visiting my daughter in the NICU to 1.) See and/or ride in the elevator with the mom's who were leaving with their babies in their arms and 2.) The really pregnant ladies who were visiting their OBGYN.

I actually went to a baby shower about a month ago, and I was nervous about how I was going to feel.  I'm happy to say that it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be and I ended up having a great time.  

GL and know that you are not alone in these feelings.  Like PPs have said don't worry about the future just yet--there's plenty of time for that.  I know what you mean about maybe not ever being able to experience a normal pregnancy.  My baby is an IVF baby and, although we are fortunate enough to have 6 snowbabies, there is no guarantee that they will survive the thaw and/or implant.  So, my daughter may very well be my only pregnancy.  

kelkel09

i have the same feelings. I feel robbed of a "normal" pregnancy and get so jealous/upset when I see large pregnant women. I especially get upset when I hear women complain. I get they are uncomfortable, but for me I feel like I wouldve done anything just to get that far in my pregnancy. I feel robbed of a joyful childbirth experience. Instead, I was in extreme pain and then rushed to the OR as I cried hysterically because I was only 27 weeks. Then my babies were taken to the NICU and I was unable to see them until a day later let alone hold them. There was nothing joyful about their birth...it was all very traumatic. And mostly, as we near their 1st birthday, I feel robbed of most of the first year of their lives. DS was in the hospital for 8 months and has only been home for 3. DD came home at 2 1/2 months but until DS came home our time was split between being home with her and the hospital so it was far from a normal life with a new baby at home. I feel like we missed out on so many experiences and it makes me sad all the time.

Mandee2012

I just noticed your screen name. Small world, I'm a Philly gal too!

PhillyGal34

Mandee2012:

I just noticed your screen name. Small world, I'm a Philly gal too!

 

Oh wow! What hospital were you at?  

MoFree

I'm feeling everything that has been expressed-jealousy,resentment, loss, etc.  I want to tell the whiners on my BMB to STFU because all of us would rather have a sore back, swollen ankles, etc to have a healthy full term baby.

PhillyGal34

MoFree:

I'm feeling everything that has been expressed-jealousy,resentment, loss, etc.  I want to tell the whiners on my BMB to STFU because all of us would rather have a sore back, swollen ankles, etc to have a healthy full term baby.

 

This is why I stopped visiting our bmb for now.  I couldn't handle it.  

MoFree

PhillyGal34:

MoFree:

I'm feeling everything that has been expressed-jealousy,resentment, loss, etc.  I want to tell the whiners on my BMB to STFU because all of us would rather have a sore back, swollen ankles, etc to have a healthy full term baby.

 

This is why I stopped visiting our bmb for now.  I couldn't handle it.  

. I never bonded with 99% of the posters and now all they do is irritate me. I think this board will be my new home.

jennifer1w

I don't think these emotions ever completely go away. I still feel them at times. Like a lot of the other ladies said it does get better with times. Some of the pain eases. Hang in there momma. *Hugs*

Mandee2012

I was at Pennsylvania.

gidget724

First of all, I don't post on here very often, but I am the mama of a 32 weeker, and this board has definitely been a support for me over the past 15 months. It is crazy to me that this post was made, only because I've been having the EXACT same feelings. In fact, just this past week, I went to my OB/GYN to discuss the possibility of having another baby. I came away from the appointment with no guarantees about anything other than the guarantee that I most likely will never have a full-term pregnancy. I know that is just coming from statistics, but it still sucks to hear it. After processing everything that was said at the doctor's appointment, I realized that the part I had to "mourn" the most was the loss of a full pregnancy. It is definitely hard to see really pregnant women, or hear women talk about the anticipation of when the baby will come, etc.

 I appreciate the women on this board, because we have some type of a common bond that we at least understand each other, and it reminds me that I'm not going through any of this alone.  

Mandee2012

PhillyGal34:

Mandee2012:

I just noticed your screen name. Small world, I'm a Philly gal too!

 

Oh wow! What hospital were you at?  

Pennsylvania 

PhillyGal34

You are all so amazing and strang. I'm so glad I have you to vent and talk to. I'm realizing that the reason in focusing on having another baby is because I want to fix this pregnancy.  But I need to focus on my awesome healthy son and I'll deal with that later. I hope that after some time we can think about another baby but only time will tell. We are blessed with the one we have now!