xp from pgal: explaining loss to children ***siggy/ticker warning***

pb&fluff

Hey ladies!  I was a regular poster in October to December of last year before I became pregnant with what became our second loss, under the SN of becky515.  We chose to TFMR with our daughter Addison at 21 weeks last September due to her severe heart defects.  DH and I were talking at breakfast today about how to talk about Addison to our future children and when would be an appropriate age.

I have one of her 3D pictures up and a gift from a friend with her name on it, neither of which I plan on ever taking down.  She is my child, even if she is not here.  How do you discuss the loss with your children?  I assume saying, "Mommy had a baby in her belly who had to go to heaven" would be the easiest to explain, since toddlers don't really have a concept of what death or dying really is (if I'm wrong, please tell me).  I assume at some point they're going to ask about the pictures, and if we have a girl, we plan on using Addison as her middle name, to sort of commemorate her.

How did you explain your losses (especially late losses) to your current children, or how do you plan to when they're older?  At what age did you do it?  DH is not religious at all and doesn't believe in heaven (I'm not sure I really do either), but should we tell our children that until they're old enough to really understand?  I would appreciate any and all thoughts on this.  Thank you so much!!

MeggM1

I don't have any first hand advice right now but I'm glad you asked. My son is a twin and is still a twin even though his sister passed, and so we feel like it is important to talk to him about this from an early age so that he grows up knowing his sister, as opposed to us sitting him down some day and telling him like it is a family secret.

It is something I talk about a lot in therapy and with our pediatrician, who has been there for us literally since hour one of the twins' birth. I think I will be relying heavily on our pediatrician for age appropriate discussion points. I think having things around the home is a good start. Everytime we see a butterfly we stop and talk about Madelyn, and taking that as an opportunity to talk about her seems very organic, and that's how we want it to be - a very organic, ongoing discussion in which our son is always comfortable mentioning or talking about his twin sister.

One thing I've been advised not to do is say things like "Sonetimes good babies go to heaven" or "Your sister was needed somewhere else." I hate when people say things of that nature to me so I'd never say them to my son, but it's something to be cognizant of because I don't want him to associate good children with death or make him feel like his sister was chosen and it should have been/why wasn't it him.

A blog I think handles this very well is The Spohrs are Multiplying - their daughter passed away and they have a subsequent daughter who seems very familiar with her sister even though the loss was before Heather's (the moms) second pregnancy. It was not a pregnancy or infant loss, but I have a lot of respect for how she is raising her younger daughter with the memory of her older daughter.

I look forward to hearing from people who have already had some of these conversations. It is something I think about all the time. 

pb&fluff

MeggM1:

I don't have any first hand advice right now but I'm glad you asked. My son is a twin and is still a twin even though his sister passed, and so we feel like it is important to talk to him about this from an early age so that he grows up knowing his sister, as opposed to us sitting him down some day and telling him like it is a family secret.

It is something I talk about a lot in therapy and with our pediatrician, who has been there for us literally since hour one of the twins' birth. I think I will be relying heavily on our pediatrician for age appropriate discussion points. I think having things around the home is a good start. Everytime we see a butterfly we stop and talk about Madelyn, and taking that as an opportunity to talk about her seems very organic, and that's how we want it to be - a very organic, ongoing discussion in which our son is always comfortable mentioning or talking about his twin sister.

One thing I've been advised not to do is say things like "Sonetimes good babies go to heaven" or "Your sister was needed somewhere else." I hate when people say things of that nature to me so I'd never say them to my son, but it's something to be cognizant of because I don't want him to associate good children with death or make him feel like his sister was chosen and it should have been/why wasn't it him.

A blog I think handles this very well is The Spohrs are Multiplying - their daughter passed away and they have a subsequent daughter who seems very familiar with her sister even though the loss was before Heather's (the moms) second pregnancy. It was not a pregnancy or infant loss, but I have a lot of respect for how she is raising her younger daughter with the memory of her older daughter.

I look forward to hearing from people who have already had some of these conversations. It is something I think about all the time. 

Thank you so much for your input.  How did you tell him why Madelyn wasn't here anymore?  And at what age?  I totally agree with asking the pedi, I never even thought of that.  One of the things that concerns DH the most is that our future LOs will focus on the death aspect when they're supposed to be thinking happy thoughts.  Does that make sense?  He doesn't want our kids to be consumed with those thoughts.  I want our children to know Addison and know about her.  Not necessarily that we TFMR (which is a discussion for when they're much older), but that she was here and that we loved her and that she is in fact, part of our family.

weddedwife

Hi, I remember you

DD was 2&1/2 when Nathaniel died; now she is 3. She didn't quite understand at first, but I can see her mind processing it now, and I know she will continue to do so as she grows. The best advice I was given (by a support group leader, also a therapist and a loss mom herself) was to give a consistent explanation to DD that she could grow into, rather than changing the explanation as she grows.

We told her, "You have a baby brother, his name is Nathaniel, but he died." His u/s picture, his urn and all the cards we received are still out in our living room. She knows those are the baby's cards, and we routinely put flowers in the urn "for the baby". He's brought up by us, or by her, intermittently. Sometimes she asks questions and I answer them as straightforwardly as I can. "Why did he die?" -"Because he was too small". I have told her that he was supposed to come home and live with us, but he can't because he died. She has asked if he can come home later, and I tell her no, because he died he can't ever come home.

These are tough conversations to have, but I find they get easier with time. I want her to know that she has a brother, and that he is still a part of our family. I don't expect her to understand what death is but I'm already surprised by how much she seems to grasp. I want his life and death to be a normal part of the dialog in our family, and to do that I have to be able to talk honestly and openly with her about it.

pb&fluff

weddedwife:

Hi, I remember you

DD was 2&1/2 when Nathaniel died; now she is 3. She didn't quite understand at first, but I can see her mind processing it now, and I know she will continue to do so as she grows. The best advice I was given (by a support group leader, also a therapist and a loss mom herself) was to give a consistent explanation to DD that she could grow into, rather than changing the explanation as she grows.

We told her, "You have a baby brother, his name is Nathaniel, but he died." His u/s picture, his urn and all the cards we received are still out in our living room. She knows those are the baby's cards, and we routinely put flowers in the urn "for the baby". He's brought up by us, or by her, intermittently. Sometimes she asks questions and I answer them as straightforwardly as I can. "Why did he die?" -"Because he was too small". I have told her that he was supposed to come home and live with us, but he can't because he died. She has asked if he can come home later, and I tell her no, because he died he can't ever come home.

These are tough conversations to have, but I find they get easier with time. I want her to know that she has a brother, and that he is still a part of our family. I don't expect her to understand what death is but I'm already surprised by how much she seems to grasp. I want his life and death to be a normal part of the dialog in our family, and to do that I have to be able to talk honestly and openly with her about it.

Thanks, WW.  You were definitely someone I thought of when I thought to ask this question.  I knew you had a child that was old enough to process/remember that you had a loss.  How do you know she is processing it?  Does she focus on the thought that he died (which is what DH is afraid of)?

 

MeggM1

My son is only 14 months old.  So this is something that we will be coming up on sooner rather than later, but haven't dealt with head-on yet.  I loved the answers from women who lost a sibling on PgAL.  That's a really great thread, thank you for statring it.

xxswebbxx

Sorry for your loss. I dunno if this will help you at all but my DD is 6. Yesterday she handed me the book We were gonna have a baby, but We had an angel instead. Its an easy reader...DD could read most of it herself. My MIL ordered it for her from griefwatch.com. I think it helped DD alot already. Not that it said anything that we didnt already tell her but she loved that she now has a book that helps her relate to her sister.

pottermommy

There is a book called "Someone came before you"  we have already started reading it to Gabriel.  Kamryn's pictures are all around the house.  We talk about her.  We figure if we don't hide it then we will grow up just accepting it and we will answer the questions with age appropriate answers as they come.

Katelyn was 3 when Kamryn (19 months) died.  That was hard, and her questions or statements still throw me for a loop sometimes.  We are religious so we took a religious stance on it. 

"Sometimes people get hurt so badly that a Dr can not fix their body, and their body becomes broken and can not be used anymore.  When people get very very old this happens too. 

When this happens God takes the person up to be with him in heaven, he gives them a new body so they can be happy and loved and live with him there.  We take the body that is broken and place it beneath a special stone, or in a special place and everytime we put flowers or toys or go and visit the stone Kamryn and Grammy know and they remember that we care about them and see how much we still love them and miss them. 

We live everyday and be the best people we can be to make them proud of us, because we are proud of them."

I know the heaven thing doesn't work for everyone but it is what we believe in and our 7 year old will now happily tell anyone who will listen that she has an angel named Kamryn who waits in heaven until she can see her again. 

We also blow bubbles to heaven and blow kisses to butterflies so the carry them to Kam.  We release balloons and plant flowers.  We "watch the clouds with her" because as Katelyn puts it, if we watch them from here and Kam watches them from there we are doing something as a family. 

I want Gabriel to grow up knowing everything he can about the sister he will never meet.  And this is what worked for us.  Your family is individual and unique and you will know your child so well and intimately that the way you tell them of their sibling will be perfect for them.