How to handle relatives when LO comes home?

jennbent

My DS probably has at least another month in the NICU, but we're already getting comments from relatives and friends like "hopefully we'll get to meet him soon."  We live out of state, so traveling to see many of these people is out of the question for quite awhile. 

Then, tonight MIL posted on her Facebook page that she can't wait for our DS to come home so she can "hug him, hold him, and kiss him."  I practically shuddered when I read it.  DS was born weighing 1 lb. 3 oz at 28 weeks.  We've been told by his nurses that he'll basically need to be quarantined throughout RSV season.  The idea of anyone but DH and I "hugging, holding, and kissing" him is terrifying to me.  I have nightmares of him being passed around like a football, being exposed to way too many germs and overstimulated.  I think she means well, but just doesn't understand the severity of the situation. 

DH doesn't think we need to handle it until he gets out of the hospital, but I am of the opinion that we need to take the bull by the horns and educate people like MIL now about why preemies are not just "all better" when they leave the NICU. 

How did you all handle it with pushy relatives when your LO's first came home?  Any advice for me?

ijustcantthinkrightnow

BostonKisses2:

Set some firm ground rules, and stick to them - no exceptions.  We were this way with Judith since she came home right in the middle of RSV season, and thankfully our family was understanding and compliant.  You can certainly start discussing rules with your husband so you're sure you're both on the same page when LO does come home.

We had very few friends visit us during RSV season, and we asked them to wait until closer to the end to come visit.  Family usually came on the weekends, and they had to be healthy before they were allowed in the house.  Once inside, they had to wash their hands, and were asked to sanitize often.  If anyone had a cold or other respiratory illness, they had to wait 7-10 days before they were allowed to visit.  Once the season was over, people were still asked to avoid contact with Judith until they were past the contagious part of their illness, and we relaxed a little bit with some of the hand washing/sanitizing rules (she was older by that point, and our pedi and pulmo felt comfortable with allowing us to do so).

 

All of this ^^^

 We also asked that all grandparents having a Whooping Cough Vaccine and their Flu shots. Also if MIL visits the NICU may e have one of the nurses address the precautions you should take Infront of MIL.

 

crystaleyes39

This was hard for us too. All our friends wanted to come over, some in groups. Our girls were born during RSV season too so we really didn't want tons of visitors. We just explained to people that our doctors said no visitors until RSV season was over (or they were such and such age). We still had our immediate family over but I was EXTREMELY strict with people washing and sanitizing their hands, and if anyone felt even slightly under the weather they were not aloud over.

Some people wont get it, but at the end of the day who cares, you're kids health is more important.

urbanflowerpot

Oh no! That's what I thought reading this The PP's all gave you fantastic advice. I wanted to agree with you that you shouldn't wait until he's out to address this - do it stat. I know people/family have the best of intentions which is why with the right wording early on you can explain that's what's best isn't the fun answer. It's hard but it's for his safety. Def speak with your neo and get a "doctor's note."

GL - and let us know how it's going! 

MrsPookaLuv

Here are 2 websites on March of Dimes I used to educate friends and family. Unfortunately, you can't force people to read them, and sometimes the people who need to read them most are the people who are least likely to read them. But at least you'll have tried to get them some good info. (The first one takes a few minutes to read. The second takes about 3 hours to go through all the modules, but it is well-worth the time.)

https://www.marchofdimes.com/baby/premature_indepth.html

https://www.marchofdimes.com/modpreemie/preemie.html

I'll agree with PP that you need to set rules and stick to them. We allowed grandparents (healthy) to hold DS and kiss him on the top of his head. As he got older and the risk decreased, we allowed the grandparents to kiss him on the cheek. He was not a "pass around baby" until RSV season was over and even then, we have still been fairly picky about who holds him. (No kids, no sick people)

I also hung a sign on the door asking everyone who entered our home to Purell (bottle next to the door) and not to enter if they were sick. I hit the point home with a picture of him in full hospital regalia with a caption reading "Please keep me out of the hospital." It worked well.

Plan ahead for a winter at home. It isn't as exciting as you might have planned, but you can do lots of things to make it more bearable: get a reliable sitter to take baby once a week/month/etc. so you can do something fun with DH, get Netflix so you have something new to watch when you are bored, get crafty, invite healthy guests to your home or visit healthy friends/family at their homes. GL!

 

Thanks for the links!

jennbent

I'm finally getting a chance to respond and just wanted to say thank you for all of your helpful suggestions.  I feel relieved that others have felt/do feel the same way as I do.  I have wondered sometimes if I am being overly protective and need to relax about it.  I am glad to hear that my reaction appears to be normal. 

I was also wondering about the vaccination thing.  My mom has voluntarily agreed to getting them without me even asking.  But I've been wondering if I would have the balls to ask the other grandparents to do it as well. 

Our primary nurse briefly talked to MIL one time about this stuff while she was visiting the NICU with me, but I'm not sure how much of it actually sunk in. 

 Thank you all again - I really appreciate it!

urbanflowerpot

jennbent:

I'm finally getting a chance to respond and just wanted to say thank you for all of your helpful suggestions.  I feel relieved that others have felt/do feel the same way as I do.  I have wondered sometimes if I am being overly protective and need to relax about it.  I am glad to hear that my reaction appears to be normal. 

You're normal! Sadly, it's something you should probably get used to People tend to make preemie moms feel like crazy germaphobes because they don't know better/can't understand.

aquariogirl

Ditto everyone! 

I still struggle w this w MIL, and others. People just don't want to wash  their hands! I even have a sign in LO's door that says "Please wash your hands and remove your shoes before entering this room". MIL looked at it, mumbled something and the next day she visited I know i didnt see her wash her hands , 3 days later she called and said she had a cold.! You had no idea how I freaked out!  It's been over 10 days and I didn't allowed her to come back, in a nice way of course, told her I want to be sure she's completely over it. She also insists in bringing him to heir home which is a long ride so other relatives can meet LO. Ain't gonna happen.

Thank God LO didn't get a cold but it was a Huge warning sign for me to be evn more careful. I have tons of hand sanitizers at home at still it has to be me reminding grown ups to sanitize their hands.

I know I need help taking care of LO but sometimes I serouriously think just to suck it up and do it all myself, specially during RSV and cold/flu season.

 

jennbent

M&MHaveMyHeart:

I would make the rules now. 

My DS came home in the start of flu season. Our discharge instructions were to get the flu shot & have family members do the same. Well, since my family is about 7 hours away, we told them this when they were planning on coming out.

Apparently this was unacceptable to them. Long story short, they didn't get the shot & did not see him as a newborn & I did NOT budge. I went through enough when he was born & did not want to take a chance on him getting sick.

Due to my 'demands', the first time my parents saw him was when we made the trip to see him this past May. He was born last August.

I say stick to your feelings & only care about your child. You've been through enough in the NICU. You want to do all you can to keep him safe, no matter who's feelings get hurt.

Good luck 

This is what I fear.  There's a lot of strong emotions surrounding vaccinations.  Hopefully we won't have a problem in our case, but planting the idea now would be a good idea.