weird trigger related to home rennovations...

lrichmond86

Since we moved into our new home we've done a TON of work to the exterior.  Then, in the last two weeks I've painted the kitchen, living room, entry way and main hallway.  Left to go is the bathroom, dining room, and three bedrooms... one of which is our master, one our office, and one that should have been our nursery.  Here's where things get tricky.  We began the buying process prior to losing baby Gary and had his room picked out and everything.  After we lost him we even considered withdrawing our offer and eating the cost of the down payment because it felt too much like "his" house and wouldn't be the same without him there.  I'm glad that we went through with the purchase anyway.  Right now what would have been the nursery is empty.  I haven't done anything to it.  Every time I walk by it I remind myself that I can't leave it like that forever, that I need to pick a color for it, that I need to use it for something.  And every time I think those things I feel anxious and weepy because how could I dare turn my little boys bedroom into anything else?!  This is such a weird trigger to me... we're doing great things with the house and it already looks 100% better than it did when we moved in.  So why can't I take the step to make the change?  We're on our second cycle ttc and I keep making the excuse that I'll just wait until I'm pregnant again to pick a color.  But then I can't help but think just because I'll be pregnant doesn't mean that I'll ever have a baby to put to sleep in that room.  I don't dare tell DH about this irrational thought process... he'd worry about me unnecessarily.  I feel like I'm doing pretty well in most other parts of this process, but for some reason this one really bothers me. 

This was kind of a pointless post... just wanted to get it out there.  Hope all you lovely ladies are having a wonderful weekend!  

HollyBee1022

I don't think it's weird at all. We started our home buying process before we lost baby Ruby, and of course at every house we said, That will be the nursery. We're under contract now on a house, and I know when we move in I'll still be thinking the same thing, That's the nursery, that should have been Ruby's bedroom.

 I don't have any advice other than maybe it would help to paint the room a neutral color that could work for a nursery, and use the room for something soothing, like reading, or whatever you do that you enjoy. I hope you can figure something out, and I bet your DH would be able to help, if you tell him how you're feeling. He might not worry if you talk about how you'd like to get past it. Good luck. 

eroplane

I am so sorry. What you said sounds rational. I feel the same way when I pass the room that would have been their nursery. I just use it for storage now. Big hugs to you. 

Mrs Nice

It's not weird at all. That should be his room. I get it. When I lost Ian I actually already had most of his nursery finished. I couldn't even open the door to his room for months, then it took even longer for me to be able to go in there. His room is right across the hall from our master bedroom and every night I couldn't help but think that he should be sleeping in there and I actually heard phantom cring on a few occasions. I felt hopeless. Like I would never be able to hear an actual baby in there. 

Slowly, very slowly, I started to think about opening the door. Then one day I did. I just left it open and looked in from time to time. Then one day I took one step inside the door. The next day two steps. I had to believe that my rainbow would one day sleep in there. Eventually I was able to finish the room before my rainbow was born but only just before he was born.

Well, I now have Zachary and he still doesn't sleep in there! I like to have him sleeping right beside my bed in his swing where I can keep him close. 

I guess what I am trying to say is take it slow. No rush. So what if that one room doesn't get painted right away? It WILL happen for you! You WILL have a baby to put in there!

Big hugs! 

weddedwife

HollyBee1022:

 I don't have any advice other than maybe it would help to paint the room a neutral color that could work for a nursery, and use the room for something soothing, like reading, or whatever you do that you enjoy.

I agree with this, I think it's a lovely idea.