still feeling guilty

meg_2006

My son is now nearly 6 1/2 months old and I still feel guilty about not being able to BF...to the point that I'm embarrassed to mix a bottle in public.  I'm embarrassed to buy formula at the store.  I feel like everyone stares and judges (especially when I use my WIC checks to get formula).  I want to wear a shirt everywhere that says "I wanted to but I couldn't!."

I was a BF fanatic, and FF was not even an option in my mind...until my son was born.  I was in tons of pain and hospitalized with mastitis after 1 week.  I kept trying, and everybody was saying "You just have to push through it- it hurts for a little while."  I knew something wasn't right though and went to a lactation consultant.  Problem #1: His latch was completely backwards (stupid nurses at the hospital told me it was fine).  Problem #2:  He was tongue tied. He was chewing on my nipple instead of sucking. Problem #3:  A more-than-normal recessed chin  Problem #4:  I was producing almost no milk.  I was in so much pain while feeding that I couldn't relax and let my milk come down.  

I was a mess.  I wanted nothing to do with my baby because he caused so much pain.  I fed him and handed him off to someone else.  I cried every time I had to feed him.  My mom or husband would bring him to me, and I would just beg them to wait another hour.  I'd say it wasn't possible he was hungry- it hadn't been three hours yet!  I was in a major depression.

We got his tongue clipped, but he still chewed b/c the habit had been developed already.  The lactation consultant suggested I take him to therapy, and in a few weeks they could break the habit...but I had had enough!  I couldn't do it anymore.  I had tried pumping, but after  pumping, feeding, and rocking him to sleep, it was time to pump again!  I was at the end of my rope physically and emotionally and decided to FF.

 I know that for my situation, FF was the right choice; and it wasn't even my "fault"- it was mostly problems with DS.  But to this day I still feel guilty.  I miss the feeling that I was the only one he needed.  I miss the closeness I felt with him.  I do love some of the advantages of FF, and now totally understand why some people FF.  But for me, it's not what I wanted.  I wonder what would've happened if I had taken him to therapy like recommended.  Is it normal to feel this way...still?

anhg80

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  I've recently started supplementing with formula and I feel the same way.  I want a sign that says "I did my best!  I don't want my daughter to starve!" whenever I mix her bottle in public.

Here's the thing though: Most families FF, and even those that breast feed face feeding challenges at some point.  No one is judging you.  

I've also struggled with some PPD, as it sounds like you have, so I think it's harder for us to think about this logically.  When I find myself having irrational thoughts, I try to think about where the thought is coming from.  It's really helped me to talk to other mothers who have done FF, especially those that tried BFing first.  In my case, I managed to find a parent group with a lot of APers, so when I started using formula I could imagine all of their disappointment.  It made me feel like I alone was a failure.  When I got out of that bubble, I realized that it is hardly the case.

In the end, you're doing the most important thing: feeding your LO.  You've put his needs above your own desires, which is the hallmark of a good parent.  You don't need to defend yourself.

As an aside, I've actually found that feeding DD from a bottle is a better bonding experience for us than feeding her from my boob.  When she eats from my boob, she is looking at the boob, maybe grabbing my face absentmindedly.  When she's drinking from the bottle, she's often looking me in the eye, grabbing my face with intent, smiling and cooing.  This is also something that my husband gets to experience, which increases their bond.  And "being the only one she needs" is way overrated!  I'm not sure that's even good attachment.  

Good luck moving past this!  I know it's really hard.  We get so much pressure to be a certain type of parent, but in the end you have to do what's best for you! 

kelleynb28

I was able to breastfeed for 6 months...but not exclusively. It was hard in the beginning...really hard! It hurt, it was time consuming, I wasn't comfortable doing it in front of anyone, and LO was always hungry. But I just kept doing it. I had a pretty low supply - LO had trouble gaining weight and even looked thin enough that strangers would mention it. 

By 2 weeks old, I was supplementing with formula at night. And by 4 months old, I started very slowly switching feedings for bottles until this week. I am still sad about not doing it anymore but my DS is happy, healthy and looks great! And I don't regret anything! 

Don't be embarrassed about buying formula...who cares what other people think! I stopped caring after DS was born because the only thing that matters is his well-being. I still feel a little weird mixing his bottle in public...but I would feel stranger nursing in public!

So now the only thing you can do is have another baby and give it a go again! LOL. Great excuse to add a little bundle to your family, right?!?!? 

namara5532

PP is absolutely right about FF being more the norm than BF.  I doubt there's strangers judging you for feeding your baby a bottle.  The only ones who would are probably lactivists, and they're not worth your energy to worry about.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time breastfeeding.  I don't think you're nuts for still feeling guilty after the trials you went through.  Breastfeeding is difficult even for those without serious complications.  In the end, what's important is your LO being fed and thriving.  Someone's going to always have an opinion about your parenting choices, but as long as you get the end result of a happy, healthy child, their opinions don't matter as much as your own.

CharlieTheUnicorn

I feel the same way. I kills me everyone I mix a bottle. I'm embarrassed to feed her in public, I've been avoiding some of my friends because they are doulas, LCs, midwives and the like, I feel like I'll be judged. I judge myself for not just powering through the pain longer then 4 months, and I feel guilty for not being able to give my best to Scar like I did my other children. However, even with all the self hate, I know we have a much better relationship now that the struggle is over, and I know in a few years it won't even matter and the ill feelings will be gone. 

raefre

It sucks feeling like you have to justify your decision to other people, and even worse yet having to justify it to yourself.

In the end, no one but me will really care how I fed my child and, even then, time will come where it will no longer matter.

Only reason I kept pumping until now (quitting on 8/7) was because I wanted to be able to justify not breastfeeding exclusively...saying I gave it my best shot.

NiniJ55

You are not alone.  I often feel mommy guilt over it also.  

I was able to BF DS until he was 12 months old. I had to EP for him due to multiple issues/ problems.  I thought I had been through it all with BFing and there would be no reason why I could not BF DD for the same amount of time.. or longer since I wanted to nurse instead of pumping this time around.

When DD was born we had all the same issues as we did with DS.  Bad latch, bleeding cracked nipples, thrush -- I never quit through those things and went back to EPing for instead of switching to formula.

Then DD presented with severe allergies at 4 months old.  What we all thought was baby acne was really eczema. I got worse and worse.  I could not help but feel like every bite I took - I was making her sick. We were unable to pin point all of her allergies although we only tested for dairy and soy (she has reacted to dairy, soy, rice and peanuts so far). She is currently on Alimentum formula and even now she still wakes up some days with blood on her onsie (I always tell this story) from scratching overnight.  I don't know what I would do without Caladryl or Benadryl (and her prescription steroid). 

Anyway -- do I have mommy guilt for not BFing DD?  Yes - I do.  But I had more mommy guilt when my milk was making her sick (not literally, but all the same).

It's hard - but we get over it.  There will be worse things to have mommy guilt over (falling off the bed, clipping nails too short, DS's delayed speach, DD's allergies,  - I can go on). 

The main goal is to feed the baby - make them healthy and strong.  Formula is not the devil, contrary to what some people try to advocate.  Sometimes BFing just plain does not work out - sometimes formula is what is best -- it's not the end of the world. Happy baby - happy mommy. 

i hope you feel better in knowing that you are not alone.  Never feel ashamed of your choice on how to best feed your baby and care for your family.

 

BTW -- I especially think about it when I dish out $60 a week on that Alimentum milk.  It's so freakin expensive!  I mostly buy my milk from diapers.com.  Believe it or not it's cheaper than getting it at Target.