Parenting after 35

Thinking about another child

My mother was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer last year when LO was 8 weeks old.  I had so much to learn and do being a first time parent that I didn?t fully process the extent of my mom?s situation.  Mom had a hysterectomy and all was well.  Jump forward to this past May when mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  With things going well and a lot more in order at home, this hit me really hard.  On top of that my father lost his job.  In June, mom had her surgery and I was there for my dad (who was very positive up to this moment) during the 4 hour operation and 4 hour recovery process.  In reality it was a blessing that dad didn?t have a job to return to because my mom was told she would need radiation every day for 4-6 weeks and that it effected people differently so to be aware.  Things were going along as usually, until the beginning of July when mom went back to the doctors for a mammogram recheck and was told that she still has cancer cells.  This is a real blow since she started the recovery process and now has to delay radiation to have another surgery.  Today is her surgery.  Doctors expect her surgery to go well and the radiation will hopefully ensure this won't happen again.

 

Taking this all in has me thinking about how LO?s grandparents will someday not be here. DH was aware from day 1 (12 years ago when I met him) how I never wanted to have an only child (he is but I have a brother 14 months younger) and that I didn?t want a huge age gap between them.  I?m only 39 and I know I still have plenty of time but with all this going on, it has me thinking about how little time I have.  I?m afraid if I broach the subject now with DH that he will think I?m just feeling insecure about my mom and that LO is only 14 months that we?re just getting into a routine why add more to the mix.  It?s true; because of my mom?s illness it has me thinking about my life and our family?s future but it?s not the only reason?Any advice on talking with DH about having another LO without sounding like I?m using the above as an excuse but a valid reason for why I feel the way I do.

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Re: Thinking about another child

  • PeskyPesky member
    Here's how I approached it:  "I don't want to wait and have a big age gap.  Let's have another."  I was subtle.  DH and I negotiated time and agreed on starting TTC when DD was 1 YO.  I'd just throw it out there.  Granted, the stuff with your mom is hard and complicates things a bit but you said that you always told your DH that you wanted another and didn't want a huge age gap.  I'd just start there.  


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  • MrsDLMrsDL member
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    I'm 37 (had DS had 36) and DH is 34 - so he's just a bit younger and I think his perspective on this is a bit different than mine - I don't feel like I have "all the time in the world" for a second, but we had agreed a 3 year age difference would be fine. Once I had DS, that thought changed quickly for many reasons. Similar to pp, I told him that I was having second thoughts on a 3-year age gap and wanted to discuss the pros/cons of moving-up our time line.

    He was very receptive and actually had some of the same thoughts, although he didn't bring it up first, the first thing he said was "I've been thinking about this myself." One thing he said was that he didn't want to be out of the baby stage (DS potty trained, etc) and then do it all over again (which was one of my thoughts). So, I would get your thoughts together so you can articulate all your reasons- with any age gap there are pros and cons. Think about those and start the discussion, listen to his own list, and see how it turns out. Good luck!

     
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  • steverstever member
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    Bring it up without mentioning your mom. Also, please forgive me, but 39 isn't particularly young in childbearing terms. When we decided to TTC #1 we did so because my 35th birthday was looming. TTC #2 was precipitated by me turning 38.

    Sure BFP's come easier to some of us than others, but age matters! Use that as jumping off point with your DH.

    Good luck to you and your mom!

  • I'm sorry about your mom.. and dad's situation.  Cancer sux at any age.

    But I think you need to leave that whole thing out of the equation. 

    Do YOU want another child to make your family complete?  If the answer is yes, then you probably need to move sooner than later... (speaking as a 45 year old here)

     

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  • mwdmwd member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments
    I am very sorry about your parents situation, but, if you want another child, you should do it.  regardless of your parentes, this is your family you are considering to change.  And  I was 41 when I had #2, and while we had no problem conceiving, having #2 while taking care of #1 was very tiring.  Good luck! 
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  • I would not even bring up your parents in the conversation.  You said you have talked about wanting 2 kids and having them close in age in the past so I would just bring it up in the same way you have in the past.  Mention that your child is now 14 months so it seems like the perfect time to start TTC as you are now 39 and you don't know how long it might take to get a BFP.  Good luck!!  I got a BFP with my 2nd a month after DD#1 turned 1 and the girls are 21 months apart and I love it - life was hard the 1st year with both being so young but I love it so much now (they are 4 and 6 years).
    Jenni Mom to DD#1 - 6-16-06 DD#2 - 3-13-08 
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  • image jlw2505:
    I would not even bring up your parents in the conversation.  You said you have talked about wanting 2 kids and having them close in age in the past so I would just bring it up in the same way you have in the past.  Mention that your child is now 14 months so it seems like the perfect time to start TTC as you are now 39 and you don't know how long it might take to get a BFP.  Good luck!!  I got a BFP with my 2nd a month after DD#1 turned 1 and the girls are 21 months apart and I love it - life was hard the 1st year with both being so young but I love it so much now (they are 4 and 6 years).

     

    Ditto and to add .. we conceived our first with no problem on the first serious try when I was 38 - DH was 40. Had DS at 39 then started trying again at 39 when he was 9 months old. Turns out that we needed to go to a Reproductive Specialist and ended up doing IVF.  We finally got pregnant with my eggs and DH sperm. I had NO issues except AMA. DH ended up having a varicocle  - had surgery  ( might have been part of the problem but we did not want to wait 6 months to a year and hope the surgery worked to conceive again). This is why IVF was recommended. I hear you that you are not old but would not waste any more time b/c your eggs are getting old... stress this DH if you both want another child. You never know how things will play out.. Think of it this way, if you get pregnant when your child is 18 months old, after nine months of pregnancy your child will be a little over 2 years old!

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