DH and new baby on the way

CFjo2010

It seems like my husband is not on the baby train. At all. Yes, he moved the chaise into the room we?ll be using as the nursery and moved the desk out, but that?s all we?ve accomplished so far. When I?ve mentioned going baby shopping he says "we have plenty of time". We do still have plenty of time, I?m barely 18 weeks. However, once August 1st hits we?ll be jam packed with football, cheer, karate, and then school activities start. I would really like to get some of the big stuff out of the way so that I won?t feel quite so overwhelmed later.

I know a lot of it has to do with his previous experience with K. He and BM had broken up before she found out she was pregnant and when he said they weren?t going to get back together for K, she wouldn?t let him have any part of the planning or the pregnancy. I?m sure that?s what?s causing his lack of involvement now, he's actually said so. In other areas he?s been great: he keeps the fridge stocked with my must-have foods, rubs my belly, comes to all my appointments, etc. He was really excited when we found out we were pregnant and I?m hoping that when we find out if we?re having a boy or a girl on 7/29 it will feel more "real" to him and he?ll get more excited to start getting everything ready. If he?s not, then I know I need to have a major chat with him, I?m just curious if anyone else has experienced this.

For the other ladies here expecting a baby or have already had a baby, how is/did your husband/SO handle the pregnancy? Was he really hands-on? Was he fully on board the baby train with you?

doadance

LOL I just now realized you are on the Dec12 board too!  I was thinkin "man this sounds familiar!" haha. I replied on that board so I won't repeat on this one... :-)

CFjo2010

doadance:

LOL I just now realized you are on the Dec12 board too!  I was thinkin "man this sounds familiar!" haha. I replied on that board so I won't repeat on this one... :-)

I wanted not only crazy hormonal pregnant ladies input (j/k), but also input from BF.  I'm wondering how much of this is a result from his previous experience with K, and how much of it is just a guy thing.  My XH was deployed during most of my pregnancy with my daughter, so I planned and prepared for everything.  I'm not really sure what expectant fathers "normally" do, but I know my good friend is pregnant and her husband is doing more planning and preparing than she is!

Rhenna

That sounds exactly like FI around that time.  I kept asking him to go to BRU with me because I wanted to look at pack n plays and cars seats and what not.  He always brushed it off and I ended up going alone and left in tears seeing everyone in there with their SO's.  After we found out the sex though he started getting a lot better.  Now he talks to my stomach, texts me regularly asking me how the baby is doing.  Insists that the baby moves when it hears him because it is already a daddy's boy, brags about the baby to everyone.  It's like a complete 180.

I think at first he was in shock because this wasn't planned for us.  On top of the fact that he has such negative memories of when him and BM were parenting together it just had him worried and freaked out.  He's completely over it now.  He's gone for 3 weeks at the moment and he insisted I not touch the crib while he's gone, that he will put it together when he gets back.  That stuff just makes me smile now.  I'm sure YH will come around too, they just need time for it to become real and to get passed the past.

angelamaster1986

DH has the same history as yours. He left before he found out BM was expecting. With that said, I swear I heard DH's voice when you say he feels "Theres plenty of time". Ha! I hope DH really doesnt say this when we are finally expecting but I am sure he will. He wont be saying it because of his lack of involvement the first time but more because he is a guy. I think thats the issue here. He is just being a man. He probably doesnt think about how it is easier to get it out of the way ahead of time. I would try explaining to him that it is going to get very busy and you want to take the time preparing for it now so you can worry about other things later. If it is going to be done later, it wouldnt hurt to do it sooner. Its one less thing youll have to worry about when the time gets closer.

Rhenna

jobalchak:

doadance:

LOL I just now realized you are on the Dec12 board too!  I was thinkin "man this sounds familiar!" haha. I replied on that board so I won't repeat on this one... :-)

I wanted not only crazy hormonal pregnant ladies input (j/k), but also input from BF.  I'm wondering how much of this is a result from his previous experience with K, and how much of it is just a guy thing.  My XH was deployed during most of my pregnancy with my daughter, so I planned and prepared for everything.  I'm not really sure what expectant fathers "normally" do, but I know my good friend is pregnant and her husband is doing more planning and preparing than she is!

I remember FI being on the phone telling his brother about the pregnancy and I remember him saying something to the effect of "I know but this isn't like last time, this feels perfect and it feels right."  He felt that way but he still had trouble getting over what happened with BM.  Actually now that I type this he still has issues with it.  The other day we were driving and he just asked me out of nowhere if I'm sick of him.  I was really confused and he just broke down and said he just can't handle another one of his kids being taken from him   I think this is just an on going struggle.

Cheerilee

I think that's pretty typical.  DH is a procrastinator.  He truly does think "we have a while before we have to worry about this."  He's still like this and I'm 6 weeks from my due date - nothing is painted, the crib's still in a box, we have no idea what we're doing with SS when I go into labor, etc.  He's been great to talk about the baby, get me things, feel kicks, go to appointments (in fact, I didn't remind him about one appointment early on b/c I didn't think he would want to go since it was pee in a cup, take BP, measure stomach, and leave - he was upset), etc.  He's not once said something to make me think that it's because this isn't his first rodeo.  It's just him.  I think your DH will come around.  18 weeks is to early to be stressing over this  It's not real for him now.

FutureMrsWittig

My DH was this way.  But he was involved in BMs pregnancy to an extent (she was still in high school and living with her parents, so he was involved as much as they let him be).

You only want to be prepared and I think that's totally normal.  I also think it's normal that your H doesn't think that way.

Wahoo

I think you are reading too much into his behavior.  It seems to me that you are much more of a planner than your H is.  In fact, you seem pretty much more type-A than most of the population (I don't mean this in a bad way - just a factual way).

Baby shopping?  I didn't even have a registry until the invites to my baby shower were about to be sent out (6 mos+).  Why would you shop before you had a shower?  DH is a wonderful father and very involved, but shopping for onesies or the perfect highchair was not his thing.  He insisted we get the safest car seat around, and had it inspected by the local police.  That was the extent of his decorating.

 

kali55

DH was exactly like that.  I eventually got used to the idea that DH wouldn't feel it was "real" until the baby was born and that's exactly what happened

CFjo2010

tifanico:

Ehh, I was just like your husband and I was the pregnant one and  I was definitely on the baby train. I think it just doesn't matter whether is a BF, first time parent, 10th time parent, that is just the way people work. I'm a huge procrastinator and I guess I'm just like your husband. 

Does it take that long to get a nursery ready? I say just chill.  

Once August 1st hits we'll have football, cheer, karate and dance going on.  Basically our weekdays and every Saturday are shot until mid-November at the very earliest.  Add to that all the school activities that will be starting at the end of August and I know how busy we're going to be.  I would just prefer to get the big stuff out of the way now as to avoid feeling really overwhelmed later.

jnjmommy0609

Honestly my pregnancy is such a blur to me. I can barely remember the planning. I just remember he was very supportive through the entire pregnancy but I was more excited over baby things then he was. 

bebe11

jobalchak:

tifanico:

Ehh, I was just like your husband and I was the pregnant one and  I was definitely on the baby train. I think it just doesn't matter whether is a BF, first time parent, 10th time parent, that is just the way people work. I'm a huge procrastinator and I guess I'm just like your husband. 

Does it take that long to get a nursery ready? I say just chill.  

Once August 1st hits we'll have football, cheer, karate and dance going on.  Basically our weekdays and every Saturday are shot until mid-November at the very earliest.  Add to that all the school activities that will be starting at the end of August and I know how busy we're going to be.  I would just prefer to get the big stuff out of the way now as to avoid feeling really overwhelmed later.

 I am a big time procrastinator also and wait until the last minute for most things, even though I plan things well in advance.

Really, it doesn't take long to put things together.  It sounds like you have the room cleared out.  You probably want to find out what you are having before you decorate, then picking out a crib doesn't take up too much time.  Maybe schedule a Sunday and get it all knocked out then.  I wouldn't stress myself out over it. 

doadance

Wow, all this is really helping me out a lot as far as being more patient with my DH getting the "baby bug"!! I was a little discouraged because after all HE was the one trying to get me preggo as soon as we were married! lol. He is very excited and wants to have a baby, but his lack of involvement was getting discouraging! Now I have hope that once it gets closer to "go" time it will be more real for him! a/s is friday so maybe once he knows gender and we start calling baby by their name it will start to sink in! Plus we are waiting on approval for a bigger house so maybe once we move and start setting up "baby's area" in our large master it will be more real for him! 

karleegirl

Wahoo:

I think you are reading too much into his behavior.  It seems to me that you are much more of a planner than your H is.  In fact, you seem pretty much more type-A than most of the population (I don't mean this in a bad way - just a factual way).

Baby shopping?  I didn't even have a registry until the invites to my baby shower were about to be sent out (6 mos+).  Why would you shop before you had a shower?  DH is a wonderful father and very involved, but shopping for onesies or the perfect highchair was not his thing.  He insisted we get the safest car seat around, and had it inspected by the local police.  That was the extent of his decorating.

 

I agree. My 2 youngest are dh's only kids. He's a great dad but could give a flip less about a carseat or the nursery. Frankly I'd rather browse BRU with a girlfriend who gets more excited about a crib set thant dh who just smiles and nods.

CFjo2010

Thank you everyone for the input.  I know I'm a big planner and I like things to be done and out of the way early, and not everyone does things that way.  I just get overwhelmed when I look at our calendar for the next few months and realize that what few "open" days we have are few and far between.  Knowing that other people's husbands/SO's have shown the same lack of involvement early on lets me know that it's not just him.

Littlejen22

Honestly you are only 18 weeks, I am a huge planner/shopper and did not buy anything that early, is it possible he was raised like that and might not even realize or he might just be a guy that does not realize why you should shop when you are not even half way there. With both kids I did not have their nursery setup until about 6 weeks before. And will you be having a shower?  I would not buy anything besides furniture before then but I would not do it for at least a month. And in the positive side, you can shop without his opinion!

Littlejen22

Oh, and my DH was not involved with BMs PG at all but he had no real opinions unless I asked if he liked A or B. 

Kaeldrasmommy

This sounds pretty typical to me. DH was like that with Kaeldra. It took me a while to figure out that he was excited, but just wanted nothing to do with the shopping and picking stuff out aspect. I would bring it up with him though because he may not realise how exhausted you'll be later on and why you're trying to get things done now.

bdbelladonna

XH was not involved and he was very unsupportive when I tried to involve him. DH is usually awesome, he goes and looks at baby stuff with me everytime we're out. He does get in moods sometimes but I understand that or atleast try to.

The best thing you can do is just talk it out with your DH and come up with someway to get the help you need from him.

driveshorses

Such a guy thing. He loved buying her toys when she was an outside baby. He doesn't care about baby "stuff", but the toys! Wonderful, awesome toys!

He also acted completely underwhelmed with everything. It was my 2nd pregnancy, his 2nd kid, but our first (only) together, and I wanted him to act somewhat enthusiastic about it. I probably worded it a lot more hormonally than that. 

Ilumine

Not for nothing, but you have 22 weeks left till your baby comes. 

Your DH not wanting to do anything NOW, given you have 5.5 months left or 165ish days is not the mark of procrastination.  It is the mark of a man who just doesn't schedule the way you do.

And seriously, FOOTBALL (insert hockey for me) does not mean you wont have time on a weekend.  Going to BRU takes 2 hours.  Putting together a crib - 30-45 min.  Painting a room, which I did by myself at 22 weeks,  took me 3 hours  per day over 3 days (I was covering a striped blue room with yellow, so I had to do 2 coats of primer).  Moving furniture in, a couple of minutes.

YOUR need to have everythign done AT ONCE is YOUR bugaboo.  But his lack of doing it YOUR way does not make him a procrastinator or uninterested in his child.