Let's have a real convo about bonding w/ your child

jillianmb

We're leaving to meet our little man this weekend!  We'll fly into Russia on Sunday and meet him on Tuesday.  It will still be a few months before we get to bring him home, but I'm already thinking about bonding.

Whether you adopted an infant, toddler, or older kid, I'd love to hear your bonding stories.  Did you have that falling in love feeling right away or did it take time? What was the worst part about bonding? The best?  When did you truly feel like you loved your child? When did you feel like you liked them? 

 Looking forward to learning from those who have gone before me!  :-)

Foster1Mom

I cannot help in this conversation but I like that you are making the board more alive.

raecheleblue1

Can't really add to this, but I'm curious to see the answers too, so thanks for asking.  Plus, I just wanted to wish you safe travels and yay to meeting your sweet boy so soon!!

Dr.Loretta

For DH it was instant. He picked her up in the hospital room and she just fell asleep on his chest. We brought her home, and the first thing he said was, "There's no way I can ever give her back."

I don't really think there was an a-ha moment for me. She was a great kid, and she was ours. The toddler years have some challenging moments, but she also has amazing ones where she spontaneously says, "I love you Mommy" and it makes the tantrums and stubborn fits worth it.

elissaann26

Our situation is a little different since we are fostering with no intention to adopt.  If the opportunity presented itself, we would consider it but it isn't something we are looking for.

We have had the boys for just over 4 weeks now and neither of us are in love with the boys.  They are awesome kids but there just isn't that connection.  It may come or it may not, which is okay for us.  Another foster family told us that some kids will feel like the fit into your family and others just don't.  At this point, they don't feel like ours.  That might change in the future, but that is how we feel today.

At first I had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I didn't love them.  I felt guilty for it.  But I have never fallen in love instantly (not even with DH), so I'm not sure why I expected it with these guys.  I do care for them like any other child that I meet, so that is where I started.  I felt very ingenuine saying I loved them and giving them hugs/kisses/snuggles at first.  But then I thought about how I needed to show them compassion.  In order for them to feel safe and secure in our home, they needed those loving actions.  So I thought of it as compassion instead of love, with compassion being one of the first steps of love.  That change in mindset made the snuggles, hugs and kisses come from an honest place and made it MUCH easier for me to give them more freely.  And now I do care for them more and more as I get to know them more.  We are all still learning each other!

I have actually been working on a blog post about this for over two weeks.  It feels so weird to admit that we don't love them.  But that's the truth.  I just feel like there are so many ways that people can read into those words and come out to a conclusion that isn't true.  I'm about the bite the bullet and just post it as is, but I still keep hesitating.  But I guess I just about said it all here, so maybe I will hit post sooner rather than later.  We'll see!

 

ETA:  The boys are 5 and almost 2.  I should have included that.  I do feel like I have bonded more with Zucchini (the almost two year old) mainly because his strong preference is to be with me 24-7 and because there are less behavioral issues since he is younger.  Artichoke (the 5 year old) is a more complex person.  There is more of him to get to know.  And I have to try to set aside my frustration with some of his behaviors.  Example:  Like any 5 year old he asks a MILLION questions.  I never before knew how much I liked silence.  So yes, this annoys me.  But it isn't anything against him.  I just need to adjust to parenting and unfortunately my annoyance is at some level delaying our bonding. 

erinmc1

This post is awesome.  I love the honesty!  I know bonding is something my hubby really worried about, although we haven't talked about it in a long time.  As for myself, my recent dreams about kidnapping someone else's baby are probably a manifestation of my own anxiety about bonding, and feeling like the baby (when we do get him/her) is truly my own.  I guess only time will tell!

summergirl79

I was in the delivery room and fell in love the minute he was placed in my arms, I think for DH it also was when he met him a few minutes later.  I truly felt we began our bonding while taking care of him in the hospital, he was ours...I had a small fear in back of my mind until TPR but really felt like it was all meant to be and would work out.  Still am amazed at the adoption process!

FosterMomExtraordinaire

We have one child that we adopted at age two.  He was placed with us right at one year old.  With him, both DH & I bonded with him very quickly.  He was a foster placement that I was not suppose to fall in love with, but I was almost immediately smitten.

Before that, we had two children who came to us at ages 3 & 4.  They were also a foster situation, but we were told almost immediately they were probably going to be adoptable.  These kids had a lot of behavioral & emotional problems that no one was aware of and were our first placements.  We had them for two years and I did everything I could (therapists, attachment specialists, etc), and still could not honestly say that I was in love with them.  In the end, we realized that those children were not the ones who were meant for us.  Turning down the opportunity to adopt children who had been in my home for so long was very difficult - I felt like I was "giving up" on them. 

 They have now been placed with potential adoptive parents (the children must be placed there for 6 months before they can be adopted) and they are doing well.  I pray that they bond with these parents, or that these parents can accept them not bonding well (due to a diagnosis that makes it very difficult for the children to bond).

 

SoSweet06

 I was completely prepared to not love our son at first. He was 5, he had significant behavior issues, and I've never been a touchy-feely person in any other area of my life. I had done all of the research and reading and knew it probably wouldn't happen instantly.

  Except that it did. He was definitely mine from the minute that we met him. I will say that as we have gotten to know him more and learned his quirks and personality, I love him more and more. I think that it would have been much more difficult for me to bond with him if we hadn't been 99% certain we would be granted permission to adopt him. If we knew that we had to leave him for a period of time, I think we would have guarded our hearts more. 

   The most difficult part was the fact that he is never still. He literally eats, plays, etc., standing up and hates to be held. That, in combination with the fact that he did not necessarily fall instantly in love with us, makes attachment a little more difficult.

ChinaBB

Hi there,

We adopted DD when she was 10 months old from China. While it was also the most wonderful day, it was also the most difficult day of my life. She screamed whenever we tried to make eye contact with her or hold her. She was pretty underdeveloped but very healthy so she needed to allow us to feed her - she couldn't hold a bottle. 

I had very specific ideas about how we would bond - no one else was allowed to feed her except for me & DH. The first night I wanted to hold her as she feel asleep. She pointed toward the crib and tensed her body, so I put her in the crib. I had a Baby Bjorn thing so she would be against my body. She hated it and wanted to be in the stroller.  She realized on some level that she needed to bond with one of us and chose me. For me to even take a shower DH had to hold her where she could see me. We just tried to be as non-threatening as possible, but the reality was that we looked nothing like her, she had been in foster care and had formed a bond with her foster family, and ultimately, this was our dream, not hers.

It wasn't until we were home for a few months and she got sick for the first time. That is when she really bonded with us. I had thought prior to that that she had completely bonded, but realized she had still been holding back.

I loved her from the moment I saw her, but it is so hard to see your baby going through this - knowing that we could give her a better life - it really was very hard. I think for the first few nights, I cried myself to sleep and had some very serious questions about why we had decided to embark on this journey.

Fast forward.....last week for the first time, she said "Mommy, thank you so much for adopting me. I could never have had a more perfect Mommy in China". Feel free to let me know if you have any additional questions.

ChinaBB

 

 

jani7

We were so fortunate to be able to be in the room at the birth of our DS and stayed in the hospital with him.  We loved him instantly.  When we got home I did work on bonding such as holding him for naps (quite the bad habit, but worth it imo)   The bonding was pretty easy and quick for us and really grows more and more everyday.  DS is about to turn one and honestly I can't imagine our life without him. 

 

silliestbunny

DD1-  I was overwhelmed that it happened quickly (after a long and bumpy journey w/failed matches)... I looked at her and it felt surreal... I think I couldn't fully grasp that she was ours...  We took her home less than 48 hrs after birth.  I think it was the car ride home that it started to sink in that she really was my daughter.  Bonding and loving her just blossomed from there.

 DD2-  L/D was a bit chaotic with many people around-  BM, GrandBM, BF, tons of friends... and everyone wanted to see and oh and awe at DD2.  It scared me a bit.  I was somewhat guarded but it was the moments alone w/her that bonding started.

slndr042305

I can't speak to this yet, but thank you for posting this. It's something I definitely worry about, not bonding right away. Its nice to hear the different experiences and know the anxiety over this is normal!

Robby6

jillianmb:

We're leaving to meet our little man this weekend!  We'll fly into Russia on Sunday and meet him on Tuesday.  It will still be a few months before we get to bring him home, but I'm already thinking about bonding.

Whether you adopted an infant, toddler, or older kid, I'd love to hear your bonding stories.  Did you have that falling in love feeling right away or did it take time? What was the worst part about bonding? The best?  When did you truly feel like you loved your child? When did you feel like you liked them? 

 Looking forward to learning from those who have gone before me!  :-)

 

How old is your little guy in Russia?  When do you expect you might be able to bring him home?

DS came home at 23 months.  The moment I laid eyes on him, I totally started bawling (which I promised myself I wouldn't do, because I knew it would scare the crap out of him....and it did).  I literally had no control over my emotions for the first 1-2 days.  After 2 days it honestly felt like I was babysitting someone else's horribly behaved kid.  We're talking kicking, hitting, screaming.  He bit me 5-6 times the first week. Once while in the waiting rooms at the doctor's office he slapped my face so hard my glasses flew across the room.  Of course I sympathized with him completely and wasn't mad at all, it's just really hard to feel in love with someone who bites you with the intention of serious damage.  The first 2-3 weeks were the worst.  After about a month, we got to the point of enjoying being around each other.  After about 6 weeks I was so in love with him, I would have the urge to wake him up in the night just to cuddle him.  I would say it took about 4-6 months for us to feel like a real family.  Where in public DS would look to DH or I consistently instead of going up to random strangers.   I believe most of these difficulties were directly related to institutionalization (and the fact that he wasn't an infant).  He is a wonderful son with some ongoing challenges related to his history, but no more aggressive behaviors at all.  I love him beyond words and can't  imagine life without him.

Do you work or will you SAH with your DS when he comes home?   

 

spongebobsquarepanties

This whole thread makes me smile

mommytoconnor

I remember the first time I saw my son.  I went to his foster moms house ( I adopted thru foster care and he was 4 months old). I had prepared myself to protect my heart as I was told it was a high risk placement, because rights were not yet terminated and there were some potential medical issues.  His foster mom placed him in my arms and I looked into his beautiful brown eyes and looked across the room at my mom and we both cried.  I couldn't see that there were any medical problems and I am a nurse so I was all prepared to see the worst.  I looked into his eyes and knew he was meant for me.  He quickly fell asleep in my arms.  I couldn't put him down.  I loved him instantly.  The CPS worker said she wanted me to take 24 hours to think about it and let her know if I wanted to proceed.  Well I made it to the driveway before I told my mom that I was putting my faith in god's hands and I am proceeding, knowing this was "high risk". I called caseworker and told her.  She said she had a court appt the next afternoon and she would call me after to let me know if judge approved it.  After that we would schedule visits for him to transition.  Well I rec'd a call the next afternoon from CPS saying judge was pleased and wanted me to take custody immediately and could I pick him up in an hour.  Of course I said Yes.  I remember I couldn't wait to pick him up.  He was already mine in my heart.  I took my boy home and couldn't be away from him.  I wanted to see everything he did, every cry, every diaper, everything.  I recently found a pic that I didn't know was taken.  I was asleep on sofa with him asleep on my chest.  He must have only been with me for a few days.  I cried. I could never have imagined how bonded I could be to an adopted child.  But he is my child, I don't view him as adopted, he is just mine.  I love him more than anything in life and will give everything for him.  A friend of mine said that I had to wait so long because he hadn't been born.  I think that's so true.  I feel like it was meant to be for us to be together. As I sit here typing this, tears are in my eyes, thinking how much love you really do have for your children and you can't even fathom it until you are a parent.  So I guess my answer to your question was that I fell in love almost instantly.  I can't explain it, I think you just know when it's right. Thanks for posting such an interesting question.  You made me cry.

MauidAims

Hav=Fath:

I too am enjoying the board being more active!! 

We were in the nursery when Hadley was born and I just remember being in awe as soon as we saw her. I knew once the b-mom let her leave the delivery room that she was ours and that worrying part of her changing her mind was over (for me). I think that we bonded immediately, but honestly it wasn't what I thought it would feel like. We had very little time to prepare for adopting and to process what it would be like, so maybe that was it? But I just always pictured meeting my bio child being all exhausted and sweaty, being in a hurry to hold her etc. And here I was completely dressed, feeling great, just took a shower and it was just..... well, odd.

And I'll say this, before I had Hadley I really was a perfect parent haha, seriously I had imagined for years (literally years and years) how I would hold her every single second and spoil her b/c I wouldn't want to lay her down during her naps, she would sleep with me at night b/c I wouldn't want to be away from her, and forget anyone else getting to hold her... not b/c I didn't want them to but simply because I wouldn't want her away from me for that long. And it's not like that at all... not at all. She is such a happy and social little baby and makes everyone so happy that I love to share her, I let everyone hold her (even a stranger or two). And since I stay at home with her, I'm with her every single minute of every day, so when others want to keep her for a few hours (which happens a ton b/c everyone is so in love with her) I jump at the chance. My MIL keeps her one day a week for about 6 hours and I get so much done! I love having the freedom, I love the break. She sleeps in her crib (I would still love her to sleep with me but she doesn't do well doing so) and she naps like a champ in her crib... BUT, I have this little voice in the back of my mind that wonders sometimes if it might be because she isn't biologically mine, that I'm not the mom I thought I would be because I didn't give birth to her.

I know that isn't true, I think I'm much more normal than the vision I had of being a mom... but I think that it is just a lingering doubt that I sometimes wonder about.

I would lay down my life for her, love her, adore her... so I don't want you to read all that and think that I don't b/c I do. I just also enjoy getting a break too. 

LOL! I'm like this with my bio son so I don't think it's a biological thing. Us mommys need breaks no matter how they come Motherhood is exhausting.

We haven't adopted yet but I do have a bio son so I'm not sure my experience is helpful but I just wanted to add that even with a biological child sometimes the bond is not instant. Many of my moms friends will even say that it took months for them to really connect. When I first saw my son, I didn't see rainbows and puppy's like I saw in the movies. I was overwhelmed.  It took several months for me to "get it". Things that I think helped us bond was rocking while feeding, I wore him in a Moby wrap all the time, he co slept with us from newborn until ...still sometimes now and he's 4. Lol he was around me all the time. I just wanted to share because I've heard so many moms feel guillty because they didnt have that in love feeling right away, so I wanted to share that you are normal.

francophonia

jillianmb:

We're leaving to meet our little man this weekend!  We'll fly into Russia on Sunday and meet him on Tuesday.  It will still be a few months before we get to bring him home, but I'm already thinking about bonding.

Whether you adopted an infant, toddler, or older kid, I'd love to hear your bonding stories.  Did you have that falling in love feeling right away or did it take time? What was the worst part about bonding? The best?  When did you truly feel like you loved your child? When did you feel like you liked them? 

 Looking forward to learning from those who have gone before me!  :-)

 I know this is definitely not a typical thing, but I breastfed DD, and that's when I fell in love with her. Breastfeeding was such a wonderful bonding experience with DS, and he was nearly 2 when we decided to adopt (we breastfed him until he was 27 months using no ask no refuse) and after DS was weaned I kept pumping so I could keep up a milk supply. I remember when DD was around 2 weeks old, I was nursing her and I just remember a huge wave of maternal love wash over me as I looked at her and knew in the bottom of my soul that she was my daughter.