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Blended Families
new+tothis
member
Staying at home vs. daycare in a blended family q
new+tothis
member
A friend referred me to the board. I'm having an issue with my X and really want to get opinions from others who have been there, done that.
I have a 2 1/2 year old and recently remarried. My DS has been in day care full time for a little over a year. Every time I've had a chance I've kept him home with me (so he rarely actually goes 5 days / week). I am now able to stay at home with him and work part time. Great, right? Except my X has said that he objects to this and he wants to keep DS in day care. I offered to watch DS on his parenting days and either pick up / drop off or meet halfway between our homes. This seems like a win-win to me... X would have to pay less and I would get more time with DS without interfering with X's time.
At this point it looks like we will be going to court over this matter. It seems crazy to me that he thinks it would be better for strangers to care for DS rather than his mother. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I expect?
We have joint decision making but it says nothing about day care. Obviously we would need to agree to a new care provider but since I'd like to care for DS directly I don't think I need his permission. X won't give me any reasoning behind disagreeing with this. I let him know I wouldn't be utilizing day care anymore but that he was welcome to continue with that during his time. I also let him know I'll be filing for a change in child support which will actually reduce his overall costs. He will be paying much less towards day care and some more towards me but still several hundred cheaper than it is currently. This is a state calculation so it's standard. Do you think that was okay? This has me so stressed out!
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Re: Staying at home vs. daycare in a blended family q
That seems pretty strange. Maybe he feels like he is paying you to stay home? I don't know, but I don't think he has any ground to stand on here.
At one point we disagreed on preschool/daycare for SS and elementary school for SD. The issue went before a judge. The judge made a ruling on SD's school (since that is legally required school), but he didn't order anything for SS. He said each parent is responsible for choosing childcare for their own time. So SS went to one preschool on his mom's week and a different daycare on his dad's week.
Obviously it will depend on your state and your judge, but I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I have no experience, but wanted to wish you good luck. hopefully you have an attorney and are able to put together a good case. I really can't imagine what a judge would do in this situation. I guess it would be similar to a mother chosing to home school? I think someone on here does homeschool in a BF situation, but I think the other party consents.
anyways, the only side I might be able to see your X making is that your DS will not have as much social interaction if he is home with you versus at daycare. can you compromise and put him in daycare 2 days a week? I can see where it might be a big change for your DS as well.
FWIW, I'm a SAHM, my DS is not in daycare and he is very social, and academically bright, so I don't think this is a black and white situation, however I would try to compromise with X before spending the money to go back to court.
I'm not an attorney, so I can't be sure, BUT I would think that at 2 1/2, your XH could not insist that he go to daycare on your days with him.
At 4, I could sort of see making a case that a child would be better off in a pre-school type environment. But not at 2 1/2.
Your comments make me feel SO much better! I told X he was welcome to keep DS in day care on his days. I feel like I have no control over that, nor do I have an issue with it. If he wants to do that on his time he can. That's why it's so weird to me that he's trying to tell me I can't pull him from day care on my days. I can understand if he was about to go into kindergarten. I would actually like him to go to preschool the year before he starts K but that isn't for a few years. Based on his birthday he will go to K for the 2015-16 school year so preschool would be fall 2014. That's still 2 years away.
Sometimes I don't understand X at all. I asked him if there were specific issues he has with this so we could address them but he refuses. He will still be doing activities / classes through the recreation department as well as other activities like story time at the library so he will still have social interaction.
This. Unless you fight for more time or decision making rights I would be surprised if a judged ruled in your decision and you will be out money, your ex will be more annoyed bc they lost money on lawyer fees and your relationship would be worse. Think about what you want and what you think you will get but if everything else is the same you are not likely to win.
I agree but I would think he can insist that he gets to choose where DS goes on his days.
OP is not saying that BD can't send kid to daycare on his time. BD is saying OP/BM can't keep kid home on her days.
Sounds like a hissy fit.
If he wants to spend the lawyers fees to drag you to court, let him. I would sue him for the full cost of your attorney. You're not trying to tell him what to do on his time, and you informed him of the change and are willing to adjust child support to reflect it. If you were wanting to change to a different outside DCP and he disagreed I think that might be a "joint decision making" thing you'd have to work with him on. IMO though, this isn't.
Maybe I missed this in the OP, and if I did then I apologize. Does your son go to the same daycare when he's with you that he goes to when he's with BD?
If its the same daycare, they may not allow DS to only go a couple days a week, or whatever the timeshare between you and BD is. If BD has DS in daycare 2 days a week, that leaves 3 days of the week that the daycare isn't getting paid an probably can't fill that remaining time. Since daycare facilities have a limit in the amount of children they can have at a time, your daycare may not have space to bring on another full-time child to make up what they're losing if DS drops to part time. Maybe check into it and see what their policy is. That may be the reason BD is pushing so hard.
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I must have totally misread, sorry. Tough on him, her days her chice, his days his choice. And as long as a 3 or 4yo go to preschool a judge would not like care then too and might not care if no preschool.
Gosh, I am sorry you are going through this. I could totally see my ex doing something like this. His parents watch our son on Wednesdays which are his day. If I was off of work I would want to keep my son until he got out of work too. But I'm sure he would fight it because right now it is his day even though his parents are with our son.
Definitely you can do whatever you want with DS on your day.
To have your son during the day on his father's days you would need to revise your court order. And most likely since you will be home a judge would allow you that time. Then like you said you could send your DS to him when he gets off of work. What an a-hole. If I were you I would totally fight to keep your son if you are going to be home, even on his days. You deserve to take care of your own child.
I would imagine you would win this fight in court. I'm sorry that your ex is making you fight for it.
My daycare allows a minimum of three days a week. So I pay for three days a week. But my son only goes two days some weeks but I still pay for his spot.
Your X is just being an a$$. He can't tell you to put your S in daycare during your parenting time. You have nothing to worry about.
What a pain to have to deal with this just to be at home with your baby.
I actually agree with Job
Part-time Daycare is slim and more expensive. PERIOD. So your EX now needs to pay so much more for HIS days because you are staying home. But if your son went every day, the costs would be lowered.
More importantly would be even. Because right now, he is still paying on YOUR days, even though YOU are not using them.
And of course he is not going to have you stay home with DS on your days. That opens himself up to a change in childsupport because now you have more physical custody. I know it sounds petty on his part (but lets be honest here, how many BMs do this).
If you REALLY want to be fair (and if this is the reason why) then why dont you look at helping to cover the extra money it is costing him for the part time daycare.
In my state child support is based only partially on parenting time and only overnights. If I watched my son during the day on X's days it wouldn't affect child support at all. I'm not trying to find an underhanded way to get child support out of X.
His daycare does offer part time rates. They offer full days and half days from 1-5 days per week so part time care is available. I don't see why he wouldn't utilize free care (me) but that's his choice. I don't know whether that would be factored into child support or not (it may be since he would be actually paying those costs or it may not be if the judge says that since free care is available it's considered an "extra" like private school). That I honestly don't know about. What I do know is that he wouldn't have to pay for my days.
I would be more than willing to sit down and talk about child support, day costs, and everything else but X isn't willing to. I asked him yet again to do so. Hopefully he changes his mind. I don't even know what part he is objecting to. He hasn't paid child support lately but I've played with the state calculator and he would still be decreasing his monthly obligation even with the increased relational cost of part time day care.