Lila's Birth - it didn't go as planned (kind of long)

rica21483

I'll try to be short with this birth story because I really just need some support or encouragement, perhaps from someone who has gone through this...

Our plan was to deliver at a freestanding birth center.  My water broke at 6:30PM on 7/9.  Contractions started at around 10:30PM.  From the beginning, they were 3 minutes apart, lasting for about 1 minute.  We waited until 12;30 to call the birth center to let them know what was going on.  It was decided we would wait another hour, then call back.  My husband called back 20 minutes later because I was in so much pain.  We met the midwife at the birth center at 1:30.  I was checked and was already 6cm.  I got into the tub and felt so much relief.  The midwife checked me around 5:30 and I was 9 1/2cm.  She told me I could start pushing.  I pushed for over an hour, when they had me get out of the tub.  Apparently there are 2 bags of water, and the second bag broke.  They figured out that the second bag was holding my cervix open, so I wasn't dilated as much anymore, so I wasn't allowed to push anymore.  I got into the shower and waited about 45 minutes.  I was checked again and was 10cm and fully effaced, so I was allowed to start pushing again.  The baby's heart rate dropped twice over the next 2 hours.  After the second time, it was determined I needed to be transferred to the hospital.  They normally transfer to a hospital 20 minutes away, but they decided to transfer me to the hospital a block away because it was that much of an emergency.  At the hospital, we decided I needed a c-section because the baby hadn't descended at all.  Lila Grace was born at 12:28PM.

I am trying to come to terms with what happened.  I know I have a healthy baby girl, but I am still so sad and upset.  I almost feel cheated out of the birth that I thought I was going to have.  I can't even tell about what happened without crying.  I feel like no one really understands because I do have a healthy baby.  My husband has been amazing through all of this so he gets it to a degree.  Anyone have any advice on how to cope with what I am feeling? 

Holly_1007

honestly, what you are feeling is normal, but I would talk to your midwife about seeing a therapist so you can be watched for PPD.

congrats on the birth of your babygirl, and for being able to make the decisions that were best for your baby. 

big hugs

meltoine

First, congratulations!

Second, I know how you feel and it's totally appropriate and okay. I felt the same way after DS's birth. Everyone around me was saying, "Oh why does it matter? You have a healthy baby! That's all that counts!".

But it isn't. Of course it's the most important thing, but it's NOT the only thing. You've been envisioning this beautiful, life-altering experience over and over for months. And you got a totally different experience. It's necessary to mourn the loss of what you thought you were going to have. Of course be grateful for your healthy baby, but it is absolutely okay to mourn the loss of the birth you wanted and worked really hard for.

 If you find that you're still having a hard time with this in a few weeks, please consider talking to someone about it. I went to therapy for PPD, and learning the mourn the loss of my ideal birth experience was a huge part of it.  

anonsouthernbell

meltoine:

First, congratulations!

Second, I know how you feel and it's totally appropriate and okay. I felt the same way after DS's birth. Everyone around me was saying, "Oh why does it matter? You have a healthy baby! That's all that counts!".

But it isn't. Of course it's the most important thing, but it's NOT the only thing. You've been envisioning this beautiful, life-altering experience over and over for months. And you got a totally different experience. It's necessary to mourn the loss of what you thought you were going to have. Of course be grateful for your healthy baby, but it is absolutely okay to mourn the loss of the birth you wanted and worked really hard for.

 If you find that you're still having a hard time with this in a few weeks, please consider talking to someone about it. I went to therapy for PPD, and learning the mourn the loss of my ideal birth experience was a huge part of it.  

 

ITA...do you have an ICAN chapter near you?

pillowass

meltoine:

First, congratulations!

Second, I know how you feel and it's totally appropriate and okay. I felt the same way after DS's birth. Everyone around me was saying, "Oh why does it matter? You have a healthy baby! That's all that counts!".

But it isn't. Of course it's the most important thing, but it's NOT the only thing. You've been envisioning this beautiful, life-altering experience over and over for months. And you got a totally different experience. It's necessary to mourn the loss of what you thought you were going to have. Of course be grateful for your healthy baby, but it is absolutely okay to mourn the loss of the birth you wanted and worked really hard for.

 If you find that you're still having a hard time with this in a few weeks, please consider talking to someone about it. I went to therapy for PPD, and learning the mourn the loss of my ideal birth experience was a huge part of it.  

What she said

You are not limited to one emotion in a situation like this - your disappointment and sadness can exist right along with your joy over the birth of your daughter, and one does not diminish the other.

I also had a disappointing birth experience with my DS, and in retrospect I wish that I had reached out for help. Even the most well-meaning, supportive people in your life can have a hard time understanding this. 

LiebeMama

That must have been scary at the end for you. You got to 10 cm which is practically the finish line, and then you have to have medical interventions when you are so close. I can see how this would be upsetting. Me, I had a different kind of upset. Even though I was un unbearable pain in my 23 hour labor, I really miss the fact that I didn't hold my son for much longer right after birth since he unexpectedly went to the NICU and soon after, life support. I never got the experience of taking a baby home with me until two months later. I look at the pictures of my labor and I could see the car seat in the pictures. Little did we know at the time we would be taking that back home and not using it until discharge two months later. Even though your situation is different than mine, we spend all 9-10 months preparing for the births we read about and anticipate, then things go awry.

RockyMtnMama

Congratulations on becoming a mom and your daughter's arrival.  I'm sorry it wasn't a positive birth experience. 

It's okay to be disappointed in your birth experience and still love that baby.  I think I've said it on here before, but my girlfriend, who had a disappointing and traumatic first birth/labor experience, was more pissed over the people who kept telling her, "...at least the baby is healthy" b/c they were basically telling her that she was not allowed to feel badly about the experience.  Her most healing moment was her amazing 2nd birth, which was natural and a healing water birth. 

Do you have a close girlfriend or family member that you could mention and talk about this with?  Also, visit the midwives at the free-standing birth center again or call them b/c most of those centers have groups of moms who meet-up after and could connect you with other moms with similar transfer experiences. 

silkyhorse

I totally understand how you feel.  I found out really late in the game that my baby was breech (I was going to have a homebirth).  I was still in the process of looking into options when I went into labor.  It's a long story with a lot of bad luck, but the end result was a c-section. 

Honestly, I still can't think about it too much almost two months later or I will get upset.  I feel so cheated out of the birth that I wanted.  I can tell you it will get better with time.  Other than that, all I can say is that I know exactly how you feel and I feel the same way

rica21483

Thanks so much for your kind words and understanding. I don't think I'm depressed, although I am sad. I guess the loss of the birth I wanted does have to be mourned. The birth center does pair people up with similar experiences. They are working on setting me up with someone else who was transferred and needed a c-section. I hope that helps. I also hope that in the coming weeks and months the reality of what happened isn't as painful. Thanks again!

RayRay007

I'm sorry. It must've been hard to be so close and have it unravel at the end. I'm sure you have questions about what went wrong. Make sure you have a good discussion with your MW about what happened. I prepared for a natural birth with a MW at the hospital and ended up with an emergency c/s without even having gone into labour and without my MW or H present. MW and I looked at the NST strip (I was overdue so I had gone to the hospital by myself for a NST as a formality, not expecting anything to come of it) and had a good discussion about what happened. Take care of yourself!

mAnYaSha

Congratulations on your little blessing !

Birth is unpredictible and you did everything you could to make it the experience you wanted. You are sad for the loss of your dream. Hormones are not making it easy on you either. I would recommend a therapist too. I do not think I was depressed after DS#1 was born, but looking back, it would have been easier on me if I talked to a professional.

zaramarie81

I am so sorry you had this experience. Honestly, I think it is unfair when people blow off a c-section - major surgery for momma! - with words like "But you got a healthy baby!" As others have pointed out, you can both rejoice over your baby but also be sad/upset over the birthing experience.

My sisters have had their own traumatic experiences in spite of the best laid plans, so just know you did all you could. And as others suggested, finding local support may be helpful in mourning the situation.

pepomntpat

I had a very similar experience and it was really hard for me to come to terms with at first. Please realize that you are allowed to grieve for your experience. That does not mean you do not love your child and that you are not grateful for her. Surgery is traumatic in the best of circumstances. When it is unplanned and involves the health of your child it is even more so.  

What I did was mostly just rest and nurse my baby and took things one day at a time. One day after I got out of the shower I looked at my scar and realized that my little girl came out of there. For me at least, that was a very healing moment.  

If it helps at all, I understand.  I would suggest talking about your experience with people who care about you. If you can find a local ican chapter they can be very helpful. Your midwife should have resources for you as well. {hugs} and congratulations on the birth of your little girl. 

nosoup4u

mAnYaSha:

I would recommend a therapist too. I do not think I was depressed after DS#1 was born, but looking back, it would have been easier on me if I talked to a professional.

Yep, I agree with this. Talk to someone about what you went through! I had a stressful birth with my first son (unplanned c/s also, and then he was unexpectedly hospitalized after birth), and it affected me for a really, really long time. Much more than I realized until after the birth of my *second* son.

It's definitely worth the time to make sure you know how to cope and deal with a stressful birth. Take care, and congrats on the new baby!

rica21483

anonsouthernbell:

meltoine:

First, congratulations!

Second, I know how you feel and it's totally appropriate and okay. I felt the same way after DS's birth. Everyone around me was saying, "Oh why does it matter? You have a healthy baby! That's all that counts!".

But it isn't. Of course it's the most important thing, but it's NOT the only thing. You've been envisioning this beautiful, life-altering experience over and over for months. And you got a totally different experience. It's necessary to mourn the loss of what you thought you were going to have. Of course be grateful for your healthy baby, but it is absolutely okay to mourn the loss of the birth you wanted and worked really hard for.

 If you find that you're still having a hard time with this in a few weeks, please consider talking to someone about it. I went to therapy for PPD, and learning the mourn the loss of my ideal birth experience was a huge part of it.  

 

ITA...do you have an ICAN chapter near you?

I wasn't sure what this was and had to look it up. I do have a local chapter. Thanks for making me aware that something like this exists!

Jade1010

As someone who had a stillborn baby you need to get your head out of your butt and just be happy you had a healthy baby. Quit your ridiculous whining