What do you do about lying?

mavs_girl07

DD has started this recently and we're not quite sure how to handle it.  For example,  yesterday DD and DS were having a blast playing together and giggling away while I was cooking dinner.  We have an open floorplan so I was able to keep an eye on them the whole time.  But they wondered off into our bedroom, and DS started screaming.  DH went to check on them and found DS with 3 huge, deep scratches all the way down his back.  They were so bad that they were actually bleeding.  When we asked DD what happened, she said "Um, he scratched himself".  And I said "Really?  He scratched his own back like this?" And she said "Yeah, he did that to himself".  Now, obviously she did it with her fingernails.  Maybe it was intentional, maybe she just got carried away while playing, I'm not sure which.  But I told her how important it is to tell the truth, especially when someone is hurt, and she came clean and told us she did it.  Then about 10 minutes later DS was in the kitchen with us looking at books.  All of a sudden DD starts crying in her bedroom and is clinging to her blankey.  DH asks her what's wrong and she says "He hit me..."  Me: "Jackson hit you?  When did he hit you?"  DD: "Just now, in the bedroom".  No, he didn't hit her.  He had been in the kitchen with us the entire time, but I think she was trying to get him in trouble or maybe was trying to get sympathy since he got attention from the scratches on his back.

How do you address stuff like this?  How do you teach them to tell the truth?  I feel like these are things she should be disciplined for, but I worry disciplining her will teach her to not tell us the truth.  Like "Well, if I tell the truth I'm gonna be in trouble so I'll just lie",  Hopefully that makes sense...I'm tired.

Pesky

I point out that I know she is lying.  Like with the scratches.  "There is no way he could scratch his own back like that.  These look like fingernail scratches.  You are the only person in the room.  I will be more angry with you for not telling me the truth than for doing this.  Now do you want to tell me what happened?  Did you scratch him?"  She usually confesses at that point.  It's a constant thing and I just continually remind her that while it is okay to imagine and I understand how she wishes that she hadn't done something, it's VERY important to take responsbility for what you did wrong and do what you can to make it right. 

mavs_girl07

Thanks for the responses, I'll check out NurtureShock. 

It sounds like the way you guys would address it is pretty much what we're already doing.  We always call her on it, and stress how important it is to tell the truth.  If it's a lie that's inconsequential, I still address it but don't make a huge deal out of it.  I guess the part I'm struggling with is in the instances where she's lying to cover up something bad that she's done.  I always tell her "I won't be angry if you tell me the truth..."  That is when she owns up to it and tells me what happened. So then I feel bad for disciplining her for what she did.  I feel like I'm confusing her if I say "I won't be mad, just tell me the truth" so then she does, and proceeds to get a timeout.  Like with the scratches on DS.  She didn't get any sort of consequence for doing that.  I feel like she should have, but she didn't.  I was afraid of sending mixed messages because on one hand I'm telling her I won't get mad, but on the other hand I'm doling out a punishment.  KWIM?

anonsouthernbell

fredalina:

Also there's a really interesting chapter on lying in NurtureShock.

https://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

 

 

ladyprof

I am a total lurker here, but when I was younger I used to get double punishment for lying, and only regular punishment if I came clean and told the truth. So like time out for the scratches and something taken away for the lying. Worked for me, just an idea.