Got asked the dreaded question..so much for having a good night.

julesverne

DD and I were at the grocery store tonight. Everything was going well..DD wasn't running all over the place, or grabbing random things off the shelves, we were having a grand ol' time. When who should we run into? A lonely middle aged women who made some comment about DD..and that launched into how she couldn't wait to have grandkid, and that her daughter-in-law just had a miscarriage, and she use to teach preschool, and she loves that age of kids..etc etc...and then, just when I thought we exchanged enough pleasantries so that DD and I could make a graceful exit and finish our shopping....

"Is she your only one?"

After nearly 4 1/2 years, you would think that I would be use to this question, and have a simple answer. But each time, it catches me off guard, and I find myself struggling with the best way to answer that question in the 5 second silence before ultimately replying..

"Yeah"

I am sure, where ever Jack is, he understands why I don't tell every single person about him. He knows that I don't want to hear any of the assorted possible replies such as "Oh, I'm so sorry, tell me, a complete stranger that you have known for all of 3 seconds, every single painful detail" or "Well, you have her now!" (like having another child makes up for the loss of another) or "It's for the best"....

But it still hurts....

Mrs Nice

Big hugs to you! I hate that question and will never ask it of someone I don't know. I was reading the Still Standing Magazine earlier and came across this:

 https://stillstandingmag.com/2012/07/choosing-how-we-answer-tough-questions/

(sorry not clicky, on my iPad)

I feel a lot better now with my decision to not tell strangers about Ian. I hope it helps you too. 

lmielocl1

Many (((Hugs))).  I wish others would think more before asking such questions.  I am so sorry!!

 Thinking of you!

- Leslie

~ Mommy to Aaron, almost 21 months and to our angel, Ethan James, born sleeping at 18w on 6/15/12.  

weddedwife

I hate that question. I will never ask a stranger that question either. I feel terrible when I say DD is my only.

weddedwife

Mrs Nice-

Thank you for sharing that article! 

samakasrc

Hugs - I hate this question too.  I will never get used to or comfortable answering this one.  But I live by this rule: If I'll see or talk to you again I'll consider telling you, If I know I'll see or talk to you again on more than one occasion I'll say something, If I'll never see you again I won't say anything.   Its the only way I've been able to sort out what to respond with...

Bayberry12

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that...over 4 years later....it never gets easier does it.  I often worry/obsess about how I will answer questions like that in social situations.  And really, no matter how many times I play every possible scenario in my head, I am always caught off guard.  I had neighbor congratulate me and my husband on the new baby the other day, and it felt like I got stabbed in the heart. I just wanted to say thanks, and keep walking.  But that would be much worse than letting the neighbor know she didn't make it.  

That article that was shared, really says it best.  When we don't tell people about our lost babies, we are protecting them from some strangers insensitive comments.  Even though, I sometimes want everyone to know "I had a baby, but she died" and maybe right now, I need to tell everyone who asks, because it's still so new to me, and I'm still so angry sometimes.  And I'm still trying to figure out how to live this new life.  

 Just because our babies our gone, doesn't mean we can't protect them, and after reading that article, I think not telling some stranger who you will never see again about Jack, was a good way to protect him.    

Gizu92708

I hate that question too, it's awful. It's ok if you don't mention him. In your heart you know you have 2 beautiful babies. (hugs)

Jones3265

Ugh It just catches you so off guard you dont know what to say. Today I had my preemie to a new dr and they said oh he is a twin. where is his twin brother? I was in shock, why dont you read my chart?! I just say his brother is in heaven and then they apologize over and over. And when other people ask me if he is my first I feel so bad because if I say I have two I have to give details, but if I say just one I am leaving out my guardian angel. this stuff just sucks!