POLL: "What NOT to Say to an Adoptive Parent"

jwpbride

Ok girls- when I was thinking about how we told our extended family we were adopting, I remembered all of the ridiculous, obnoxious things people said to us. Some of the worst comments (and then what I WISH I could respond with in parenthesis) were: 

"You know it's cheaper to do it the old fashion way, right?"
(Are you serious?! GAH! We should have tried that first!)

"Ugh. I could NEVER adopt."
(It's fine if you feel that way, but if you ever say that in front of me or my kids again, we are going to have a problem)

"Oh well you know as soon as you adopt you'll get pg!"
(Not really... my body makes babies just fine actually, it just can't keep them alive, thanks for the idea, though.)

 

What's the most thoughtless thing that's been said to you?

 

(also, I should totally plug "In on It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know about Adoption" https://www.inonadoption.com/ It's flipping great for parents/families of adopting families!) 

erinmc1

One of my college friend's pregnant wife told me "Oh, you're doing it the easy way!"

Ummm...sure.  If you don't count the background checks, home study, mortgaging our house, waiting indefinitely, and no paid maternity leave...I guess this is easier.  

christy2125

Since we just started telling people the one I've gotten a few times is " but, don't you want a real child?" 

As opposed to what? An imaginary one???  

Foster1Mom

It seems with Foster Care that people think kids are in this room waiting on when we are approved they go pick one or 2 off the shelf. I had someone ask "are you getting twins or triplets" WTF   I try and educate them but at the same time you want to smack them.

dholsapp

My dad has the names of all the grandkids tatooed on his arm. He was talking to my brother and his fiancee about adding their son's name to his arm and then looked at me and said, "Of course I will put the name of your baby on my arm too." I had to respond with, "Well that's good because it will be your grandchild also."

IRR

"You're looking into adoption - you can take one of mine". - Zero response

"Open adoption?  Why would you want to do that?"  - Don't you think its better for the child to know where they came from if possible vs. them always wondering?

bumpuser794640

The only thing that has really bothered me is everyone saying "oh, you'll get pregnant after you adopt!".  Well, it's always a possibility, but chances are slim.  I had 2 medical professionals in one week say that to me. :-/  I just laugh and shrug it off.

Art Teacher

You're looking into adoption - you can take one of mine

Why would you want to adopt from China? (We were considering it at the time.)  Everyone will know you adopted.  He/She won't look like you.

After being home study ready, someone said that now I would get pregnant. 

But how old is she?  (Over and over again - coworkers/boss asked our dd's birthmother's age and we weren't sharing it...no one's business but hers and dd's and ours.)

 

christineandaaron

I frequently get the line that many have already mentioned.."your adopting? You will definately get pg now". This drives me NUTS!

Julie721

christineandaaron:

I frequently get the line that many have already mentioned.."your adopting? You will definately get pg now". This drives me NUTS!

 

This. We can't figure out how that became the standard response to "we are adopting!" instead of "that's wonderful" haha

beaureve

Are you going to have any children of your own?

Robby6

Regarding my (bio) DD's upcoming birth and after DS had been home with us for 7 months, "oh, this time you'll be a real Mom!"

pinkzebra

We have gotten the "now you will get pregnant" comment so many times. It's so annoying! 

 Here are a few others:

"Will you tell her she's adopted?" -- Um, well, given the fact that she's a different race than we are, I think she can figure that one out on her own, but YES she will know that we adopted her. 

"She's going to be so smart because she's Asian" - Yeah, because just being Asian makes you smart. Idiot!!

 "Why didn't her mom want her?" - First of all, I am her mom...and I do want her...and also her BIRTHMOM wanted her very much but made a decision that she thought was best for her (DD). 

 There are actually so many more (sadly) but these are the ones that annoy me the most at the moment!  

 

jwpbride

Julie721:

This. We can't figure out how that became the standard response to "we are adopting!" instead of "that's wonderful" haha 

Right!? It's like when people are pregnant- you don't say "oh you're HUGE!" or "you're so little!"- IMO the only acceptable standard comment for pregnancy or adoption is "that's awesome!" or "congratulations!"

MagickalNarwhal

I have heard the "oh now you'll get preg" line twice which in our case is EXTRA awesome because we are a same sex couple (2 women). Because I guess adoption causes sperm to spontaneously generate in my vajay? 

jackieo1309

I get the "oh you know you're going to get pregnant as soon as you adopt, right??" ALL THE TIME. We've also gotten "But don't you want one of your own?" and "Why don't you just do IVF?" from close family members with no filter. My sister told me yesterday that this girl she used to be good friends with (they don't keep in touch as much anymore) sent her a FB message saying "Your sister is adopting?? Is she not able to get pregnant or is she just doing a good deed?" after I had posted some of our adoption photos on FB. Nice.

irismorning

The most annoying one I was ever asked was "what do they call you?"  Ummm MOM, because I am their mom.

silliestbunny

I am alternating btwn LOLing and wanting to scream at these responses.  I think the "you'll get pregnant" to the poster that is in a same-sex household is the best!!! ha!! Crazy people!!

Pink Zebra-  we get the same ones that you have...  good in school, possibly bad driver, will be obedient... etc. 

I love when they ask when we'll tell her she's adopted... hello, she looks nothing like us... we are Caucasian... she's Asian. 

The absolute two worst comments came from DH's family....

1-  "You know.... all the babies that are up for adoption are going to be real trouble... they are all drug and alcohol babies."

2-  This one was after having to do some home repairs in prep for the homestudy.... "Well, if they make you do all this, the least they can do is let you pick a good one.... make it's a really smart one."

 Lest I forget a recent comment where someone was talking about her strong bond to her son.... she said "it's just so different... when you carry them for nine months and then have pregnancy complications... he's my everything...  our bond is so different and close".  UGH!

Just recently I wanted to scream when a teacher in a music class saw me with DD2 who's Caucasian.  In front of the whole class she laughed and said, "So I see it happened.... you adopted DD1 and then got pregnant... that always happens..."  So there I was in front of a dozen other moms that I didn't know having to correct her.  I know we will get this many times... since my girls look so different... I just hate the people don't pull me aside to ask.  The girls are young now but they won't always be.

Julie721

silliestbunny:

I am alternating btwn LOLing and wanting to scream at these responses.  I think the "you'll get pregnant" to the poster that is in a same-sex household is the best!!! ha!! Crazy people!!

Pink Zebra-  we get the same ones that you have...  good in school, possibly bad driver, will be obedient... etc. 

I love when they ask when we'll tell her she's adopted... hello, she looks nothing like us... we are Caucasian... she's Asian. 

The absolute two worst comments came from DH's family....

1-  "You know.... all the babies that are up for adoption are going to be real trouble... they are all drug and alcohol babies."

2-  This one was after having to do some home repairs in prep for the homestudy.... "Well, if they make you do all this, the least they can do is let you pick a good one.... make it's a really smart one."

 Lest I forget a recent comment where someone was talking about her strong bond to her son.... she said "it's just so different... when you carry them for nine months and then have pregnancy complications... he's my everything...  our bond is so different and close".  UGH!

Just recently I wanted to scream when a teacher in a music class saw me with DD2 who's Caucasian.  In front of the whole class she laughed and said, "So I see it happened.... you adopted DD1 and then got pregnant... that always happens..."  So there I was in front of a dozen other moms that I didn't know having to correct her.  I know we will get this many times... since my girls look so different... I just hate the people don't pull me aside to ask.  The girls are young now but they won't always be.

 

I HATE comments like this!

SoSweet06

 The worst reaction that we had when we started telling people was actually complete silence. I had not one but two family members pretend as if I hadn't spoken...like it was just going to go away if they didn't respond. 

   DS has special needs, and I get these questions/comments (often): 

    Do you regret it? Are you going to have your own/real child now? Wow, that must be so hard/awful. I bet he will grow out of it/get better (lmao). What does he call you? Wow, it really takes a special person to do something like that/ I couldn't handle that.

    (To be honest, the "He will grow out of it" and "I couldn't handle that" are the worst for me because I think it's such BS. It's okay to say you wouldn't want to ask for a child with SN but please don't pretend like it's because we have some mutant gene that makes us saint-like. He is my son, not a charity project. And, thank you, but I will be taking your professional prognosis with a grain of salt.) 

 

lilmufish

My favorites that were said to me or to friends who are adopting...

"you must be rich if you can afford adoption..."

"are you afraid that the birth parent will stalk you and steal your kid in the middle of the night?"

I'm tired (like everyone else here on the board) of hearing "if you just relax you will get pregnant"  or "now that you're adopting you'll certainty get pregnant"

"will the birth parents live with you?"

"why don't you want one of your own?"

"are you allowed to discipline adopted kids?"

"IF you can't have kids, why don't you just travel?"

"why would you willingly pay money to adopt?"

jwpbride

lilmufish:

"are you allowed to discipline adopted kids?"

*headdesk* 

Courtneyluff

I like being asked every time I'm around a child, especially if said child is misbehaving, if I "still want one".

jackieo1309

jwpbride:

lilmufish:

"are you allowed to discipline adopted kids?"

*headdesk* 

I feel like that's the appropriate response to most of these questions. I really don't understand how people don't think before they open their mouths. 

julandjo

Whenever we're around my MIL and the kids are acting up, every.single.time. she shakes her head and says, "and you guys seriously want a third child? I can't believe you're going to all this trouble to bring that on yourselves."  The woman raised 3 kids herself, wth?  I'm so tempted to snark back with "so tell me, which of your 3 sons would you choose to not have now?".  And as for MY mom, she keeps talking about how she's not going to have any more grandchildren, so she's getting rid of all the baby toys at her house.  I keep reminding her that hello, we're in the adoption process!  Her response is, "oh, well yeah...".  Grrrrr.

mommytoconnor

I've heard a lot of stupid and insenstive comments from people.  The one that I hate the most is "Well if he were your real child" or some version of that.  My response is "he is my real child, just like you're a real ass." Then I walk away.  Makes that person feel just as awful as he/she has just made me feel.

katriley09

Lurker here...

I had someone ask "why would you want to adopt when you hate children?".  My reply "what makes you think I hate children?".  Their response "Well, you don't have any kids".  So apparently if you don't have kids, it means you hate children and therefore should not adopt. At that point I just walked away and thought to myself  'we don't have kids because of infertility you idiot!' .   This comment was from same person who told me how lucky I was not to have any children when my husband had major surgery with complications. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound! 

 

 

 

tuckerwed

My sister is planning on adopting so she tells me a lot of these and I get in trouble for saying a lot of these, like ?real mom? but I am very happy for her and supportive of her and her husband?s decision and will love my new niece or nephew deeply.  What you have to try and remember is most people are not trying to be mean, we just don?t know. Educate us but be tolerant, your child will have to deal with comments like this their entire lives, you have to teach them how to handle them. If they take everything ignorant people say to heart, then this process with be even more difficult on both of you.