Husband doesn't understand my pain....

Dori722

Our story:

We got pregnant very easily and had a beautiful healthy son who is almost 4. When we started to try to baby #2 I just couldn't get pregnant. After some test they found scar tissue around one of my tubes. All things considered, I should still be able to get pregnant but even with "help" like clomid, IUI's, it wasn't working for us and we turned to IVF. 

We got pregnant with boy girl twins on our first IVF attempt and were SO excited. We always wanted 3 kids, DS wanted both a brother and sister - it was perfect. at 18.5 weeks (in January) I went into preterm labor and lost our sweet babies. 

I had a lot of scar tissue from that pregnancy and had a hysteroscopy to remove it in Feb. In April we decided to move ahead with a FET and it failed. Our RE suggested another fresh cycle and it also failed. It's been about 4 weeks since we found out it didn't work.

I have really been struggling with everything. Nothing can take the pain away from our loss but I felt that a new baby on the way would at least ease that pain. I am really disappointed that our attempts have failed and frankly, I'm surprised. I'm beyond frustrated and I am confused on our next steps.

I had a breakdown on vacation when DH told me that a friend (who was on vacation near us) was expecting again. It just set me off. It seems that this comes easily to most people and I just exploded and all the pain came back - I was angry that we lost our babies, angry at everyone who can get pregnant easily. I cried the entire day.

Yesterday we had a baptism to attend and I was really on edge. The idea of going was hard for me and I was a little cranky in the morning. My husband just exploded on me and I was angry that he didn't realize that attending a baptism may be hard on me.

When we came home he was being cranky toward me and we just got into a huge fight. I won't get into the details but DH just doesn't get my pain. He thinks it's time to move on and be positive and that it's terrible that I can't be happy for people who are expecting. I flipped on him. I make no apologies for how I grieve and from the few months post loss that I was in therapy, I know its very normal to feel that way. I am truly sick of him minimizing my pain and I don't feel he has the right to judge me. I was in the hospital in hell for a week prior to the loss, gave birth, held my sweet babies (he couldn't handle seeing them), I went through surgeries, procedures, biopsies, testing, etc. I have been poked and prodded to try and get preg again and we have spend SO much $. OF COURSE I am frustrated. It's normal.

Has anyone been through this with DH and if so, how did you get though. 

 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I first want to say I'm so sorry to hear about all that your going through.  My situation is not the same as yours but my DH and I have gone through spurts of anger.  He's now at the point of being excited to TTCAL and I'm not always there.  We finally sat down one night and I explained my fears to him.  He also doesn't get that certain situations are rough for me.  We were supposed to go to a church festival this weekend with friends.  We normally go every year.  This year I told him that I simply didn't want to go.  He was mad at me and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go.  I truly love the people we go with but every year the same things happen.  The men of the group go off to the casino area and play cards and stuff and the girls end up in the beer garden.  Last year there were 4 of us girls and 3 of us were pregnant.  We had a great time talking about impending motherhood and talking to the one girl that was having her 4th.  Well this year, I'd have been the only one without a child and I know they'd all be sitting around talking about their kids and I just knew I couldn't handle it.  He didn't get it.  I've found that rather than thinking he should realize why certain things are hard for me (it's a guy thing).  I have to be very clear and tell him exactly why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I agree to go but we have a code word (Hoover - because it sucks) and if I use it, we leave. 

It's hard for men to understand what we put ourselves through and how it is for us - but on the flip side, I think it's hard for us to understand what they're going through.  Try to talk as much as possible and be honest with each other and listen to each other.  {{HUGS}}

lrichmond86

Although my situation is very different than yours (we lost our son at 31 weeks due to a cord accident in combination with a partial placenta abruption.  It was our first pregnancy) I can certainly relate to the difficulty that you're having with DH.  I think it's very common for the dad to not understand the way that us mom's grieve the loss of our babies.  I have had almost identical conversations with DH and I've talked about it quite a bit with my therapist.  She said that for women everything that is related to our loss (pregnant women, other babies, etc.) reminds us of our own losses, so even though we can be happy for those other people, the overwhelming feeling is sad for us.  She said this is because women interact based on shared experiences.  Men don't really understand this because they operate in a more logical way.  Other babies don't remind them so much of their own baby because it's NOT their own baby.  (I'm not wording this very well and it made a lot more sense when she said it).  Point being, men don't understand why we can't separate ourselves from what happened to us and be happy for someone else.  It's taken seven months of hard work and DH and I still aren't always on the same page when it comes to this.  It's also really hard for me to know that he doesn't really accept the way that I grieve when I have accepted his grieving process.  I also think it's hard for our husbands when they feel like they can't "fix" us. As we know all too well, this isn't something that can ever be "fixed".

I'm sorry this post was so disjointed, but I hope it makes a little sense and is helpful.  It's a long road that we're on and it sucks.  I think what you're feeling is totally normal, but I also think that what your DH is feeling is, also.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do regarding your journey TTCAL.  Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

jbranden12

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. For me, every disappointment is magnified by our loss, especially disappointments related to ttc!

I think lrichmond is right, though. Men don't understand as much how others' (even strangers') pregnancies and babies are so painful. For me, it all boils down to shock that the world can go on when I am in so much pain over the loss of my child. I just want time to freeze for everyone until I can get pregnant and have another child, so things can be like they were supposed to. I'm not trying to replace my daughter, I know I cannot do that. But I am supposed to have a baby now. Everyone who gets pregnant after me should have children younger than my own. It's all wrong, and it makes me angry.

DH doesn't feel that way, and I know he gets rubbed the wrong way when I'm bitter and angry. He tries to understand, and we have worked on it a bit in therapy, because I know when I feel that way it only makes things worse for myself. But I am allowed to feel pain at things that remind me of what I am missing. 

littleMissMeggers

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.  

My DH and I have had several fights about how being around newborns makes me feel uncomfortable and sad. It's not that I want that person's baby, it's just that it reminds me of my loss and how badly I want my DD who is gone. I also don't always like to hear about people who are expecting because it's kinda like rubbing salt in the wound.  It took about a month for DH to understand how our loss affected me in that way.  I kept letting it go everytime we'd fight until I just exploded and told him that we grieve in different ways and how I'm feeling is completely normal. I told him how I'd read several books and did research to understand how the way he's acting is normal.  For example, he was always kinda quiet and hid his emotions about losing DD and I read that that's normal for guys to do while grieving and it doesn't mean that they aren't torn about what happened, they're just trying to be strong for us.  Anyways, I told him that maybe he needs to do some research as well to understand why being around babies and pregnant women bothers me the way it does. I told him how every person that I'd talked to had agreed that my feelings were normal and that he may need to think about seeing a therapist so he can "get it". So a few days later he told me that he did some research and apologized about the whole thing. And, knock on wood, I haven't had any issues with him about it since then. 

I don't know if that helps at all, but I think that my DH needed to hear it from someone else rather than me that what I was experiencing was normal.   I think maybe he thought that I was just being crazy and hormonal at the time, which was obviously not the case.  

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this during such an already difficult time and I hope your DH will come to understand how hard this is for you.