feeling overwhelmed with guilt :(

justellabella

I feel so guilty today I often replay the day I lost Logan in my head ...he was 1 day old and I convinced a nurse that even though I was hooked up to machines in ICU I was well enough to go see him because he needed me, but by time they got me in wheelchair he had passed away due to brain bleed. I saw pics and videos of him while he was alive,thanx to my husband, but never saw him alive. Afterwards they brought him to me so I could Meet him and hold him, but he looked so lifeless, a doll that looked nothing like videos and pictures, but unmistakably mine, like some1 shrunk DH but when they asked if I wanted to keep him in my room, I declined. I couldn't face it. Today I'm feeling so guilty like the worst mom that ever lived like I betrayed Logan. My heart breaks all over again why couldn't I cuddle him? It was my one and only chance

ehlersm

For me, the guilt was (and still is) the hardest part. I asked myself all kinds of what ifs. The bottom line is that you did the best you could in your situation. Everyone reacts differently and no way is the right way. Cherish the pictures and videos you have of Logan. He knew and felt your love for the 26 weeks he was with you everyday.

dandywarhol

You did what you thought was best for you at the time. Self-preservation is an important thing. Mentally you needed it in order to cope. Just because you didn't hold Logan doesn't mean that you didn't love him and that you wouldn't do anything to have him back. He knows that you love him and he knows what a good mommy you are.

jbranden12

I am so sorry. Please do not feel guilty, you did not betray Logan. You were a wonderful mother to him and you loved him very much. Holding and cuddling him is something you were not able to do, but it is something to feel sad about, not feel guilty about. ((HUGS))

eroplane

Big hugs. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't think there is any around it but please know that Logan knows how much you love him. You carried him and even though I am not religious, I believe that our babies just know. I regret sending my babies to NICU - I should have just held them but we did what we thought was best. As moms we tried everything we could to save our sweet babies. You are not a horrible mom. What you experienced was traumatizing to say the least. Easier said than done but please don't be so hard on yourself. I realize this may sound silly but it has helped me to talk to my babies. Big, big hugs. 

foxxy1

*HUGS*

I still feel guilty and I'm over 7 months out. It's natural to feel that way, 'Why didn't I do this?' 'Could I have done that?' 'What if I did that instead?' The worst part about the guilt is there's no guarantee if a change would have saved your baby's life.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Your son will only know the love you and YH have given him in the short time.